It's so hard, isn't it Not? I've struggled with this a lot too. Is he for real or is he acting how he thinks I want him to be and it will all dissolved back into the same old same old without me even realizing?

I was talking to my counselor at the DV shelter about this exact thing. She said "it depends on his motivation for change. If he's doing it to keep you in the marriage, it will all crumble. If he's doing it because HE wants to change, it may lead to some real change". My answer was, a little of him wanting to change, and a LOT of him trying to keep me in the marriage. Can you determine this about your husband?

I wrestle with feelings of wanting to keep our family together, and dreading the adjustment to the change of being a single mom to very young children, versus feeling like I'm not sure if I love him anymore, or if I can open up emotionally again the way I want to. I also feel like I don't want to play policewoman for the rest of my life, constantly on guard for signs of emotional abuse. However, I think I may be policewoman anyway, with my husband or any other relationships, friends or romantic, that I may encounter in the future.

Anyway big hugs to you, it all seems so much worse when you're sick on top of everything else. I hope you feel better soon!!!! xoxo

That's exactly how I feel Day... Like I'm on guard, waiting, watching. I think, can I ever have those feelings for him again - will his be real? Will mine? I don't want to be a Debbie Downer but I feel so gloomy about it all.

I feel like things arent back to normal bc im sick. Id like to see how he is in a few days when im better.

Big hugs back to you xoxo

Not, I felt that way about my H. He said we would change and it lasted about 1 week. You know all the details of what happened with us. Since then he has changed and its been almost 2 years. He said he didn't want to be remembered and live the rest of his live the nasty person that he was. I still wait for the shoe to drop. So how long is enough time to not feel that way any longer and when is it just too little too late.

Icnu - you've been by me thru all this and I value your insight. Great questions btw.. Im full of the questions... I was kinda hoping you'd give me the answers ;)

I know talking w him could either prove to be futile or we'll go in a circular argument. We shall see.

I have been away for some time.... but watching the boards on a weekly basis.
I actually feel the same as you do.
I feel blah. given up, not caring, etc.
My spouse and I are both in IC and MC.... he has been great....
Well the last few weeks he stopped taking his meds. He is getting back to some of the same old habits, but not towards me. He puts others down, says short quick responses that are unkind towards others actions, nothing major... but bothersome to me.
I wonder if I am just too emotional, sensative, or maybe even "prissy?" Do I expect too much out of others?
I am ok, but just wonder... am I just doing this because he wants me to? What do I want?
I guess I am just sharing-
I have no help for others- but miss ability to openly say what is on my mind and since I saw this notmyself's thread I just keep thinking "I feel blah too.... and it isn't suppose to be this way."

Keep your chin up.
Prayers for all of you!

ICNU- My H says the same thing about not wanting to be the nasty person he was. I moved back in Dec 30th after a 4 month separation. I wonder when he will stop being nice and all the slow small things start to pile up which aggravate me, but he has not been abusive to me or my pets, etc........I hate that I wonder if this is temporary or if I am really the problem bc of the way I think.... It is hard to know who is causing the unhappiness and what is truly abuse versus sensitivity.

Yellow - wondering why you feel as though you no longer have the ability to open up and say what's on your mind ?

Yellow! I've been thinking about you. I just mentioned you bc I feel like here I am - took 3 years building up, finding out and realizing my husbands behaviors and how miserable I've become. He's chipped away at my self esteem and killed my spirit. I'd become so unhappy and detached that I took the time, researched and met w 4 atty's, and finally retained one last Thursday. I have my stack of Ilene's Clarifying cards, and then we talked twice today and I find myself softening up!?

I know we're supposed to keep certain thoughts to ourselves and not show all our cards to our abuser, but I feel like - what the hell, I'm at the end of my rope. I'm emotionally ready to leave, I'm emotionally divorced already. Have no loving feelings for him. So I told him. I said I feel like I'm being an ass if I even consider trying. Yet again.

But here I am. Considering it. I don't know if it's bc I'm sick. We're not in a normal routine. I told him I still don't want him upstairs. He said he's fine w that. He doesn't want to come up to my bed if I don't want him there.

We'll see, I guess. I still feel nothing. I told him it may be too little too late. The thing is I feel a lil less anxious. But I don't know If it's just bc I'm settling into " the comfortable" and not pushing forward towards the unknown. I don't know if I'm just giving my heart and nerves a rest from all the overwhelming stress??

I'm glad your here Yellow. I know our situations weren't exactly the same. But I know you got pretty far in your decision to move forward without him and you even separated. I'm just feeling like am I being foolish trying to turn back and try again after coming this far? After being so detached?

I just want to b happy. I just want to BE. Not have "discussions" "talks". I want to feel genuinely loved. I want romance.

And here I am left feeling blah.

my ex loved when i was sick.

he would walk around like a superstar, dealing with our son and bringing me soup and medicine. it was an easy way for him to look compassionate without ever giving me a hug and i was too tired to open my damn mouth. when i was depressed it was the same thing, he would "leave me alone" and act like he was doing me a favor, not abandoning someone who felt too crappy to get off the couch. the more i was sick in one way or another, the less of a person i was to be dealt with.

in our final downward slide when i refused accept his crumbs of love as a marriage, i noticed he would say "do you have a headache? you look tired. oh were you sleeping? i didn't mean to bother you." wanting me to be down. wanting me to be too tired to fight. the irony is that the prolonged stress did cause me to break down physically, and i got sick over and over. at one point we were really splintering in half, and we were trying to create modes of communicating because he complained our talks went on too long. i said maybe he could email me every day, just about what he was thinking about or processing about what was happening with us, and then we could build something a little at a time, instead of trying to cover everything in drawn out arguments. (of course they took hours because he spend all the time on bullshit, deflecting focus, bickering about meaningless details, all his stupid little games) this was only because he kept telling me he wanted to fix things and was desperate to make the marriage work. but i was falling apart, and it was hard for me to keep sticking around and giving chances and coming up with ideas and he could see that, and he could see the toll it was taking on me. so he begs to send emails. then i get sick. and he comes walking into my house and hangs out with his son to "help" me and everything stops. the emails, and every other thing we talked about. after being out of the house for months, he rolled right back in and went right back to everything he used to do because i was too sick to stop him.

when i called him on it, i got the same crap.excuses, denials, ridiculous. i pushed him back out, and after that even if i felt so lousy i was looking down a tunnel with my dead grandmother at the end of it i made sure every time he saw me i was dressed and looked ready to go dancing because i'll be damned if he was going to use that way back in.

i get what you are all saying about never being able to let down your guard.i feel like i have to have bear traps around my house.

notmyself, keep on keeping on. divorce (unfortunately) doesn't take 20 minutes. if he's turned over a new leaf, time will tell. if it's an act, you'll know soon enough.

Hey Vern - I never thought of it like that. I mean it's true - he looks amazing now. Swooping in. Helping. When the girls gravitate towards me and want to snuggle and play - he says, leave mommy alone, she's sick and needs to rest. And then he'll go play w them and look like the hero to me and the best dad ever.

It's frustrating bc over the years I've been sick, he never did that. He would b in denial of how sick I was. Would just expect me to keep doing everything. But when he got sick - look out! The world came crashing to a stop.

I need to pull myself together and get things back on the usual routine so I can see just how genuine he is or if this is just another fake act.

So sorry for what you went thru Vern, thanks for sharing.

It's funny, after a decent nights sleep I woke up and am thinking... I'm an ass if I consider trying again. He may make little changes but he is who he is. Even in our talk last night, he was showing defensiveness and confusion and I found myself too tired to try and explain and just let some of his comments slip by. I remembered that's how things got so bad in the first place. I seriously don't have the energy to do all this again....

It is interesting to me that some of you have spouses who become "devoted caretakers" when you're ill or down. My husband uses those occasions to up his abuse and demands. If I need his assist with health issues - such as when I needed dressing changes to the surgical site following back surgery ....... well, that's just my problem.... he doesn't have time for me. There are so many examples - More than once when I've fallen, he's just casually watched while I literally crawled to something to grab onto and slowly and painfully pulled myself back up. No attempt to help me. Has quite a cruel streak. I could have sworn there was something in the wedding vows about cherishing. Hell, I'd be happy with at least being tolerated. I feel despised most of the time.

""""""""""""""Is he doing this bc if his IC, self help reading, meditation? Is it real?"""""""""""""""""""

No.


""""""""""""""Or is he panicking bc he knows I retained an atty."""""""""""""


Yes,


Okay. . . . . . for not and anyone in this phase of the journey to healing and recovery. . . . . . . .

If this is where your relationship is,
at this point in time,

and if you feel that you'll never
feel okay about your decision
if you don't give the desperate abuser
the chance that he (or she) is
begging to be given. . . . . .

then give it to him (or her).

Know that in some cases,
you're putting your life at risk.

Know that in 99.999999999999999
percent of instances where
victims give abusers
the chance that the
abuser is begging for,

the abuser returns to
not merely the same level
of abuse as before the promise,
but when the abuser feels that
the victim is now safely recaptured,
then the level of abuse
ESCALATES
because now the abuser
has the freedom to feel
FURIOUS about the
victim's near-escape
and RETALIATES
for the victim's
audacity at
attempting to escape.

So. . . . . . . . if you
absolutely must
give the abuser
the chance that
he (or she) is
begging for. . . .
then give the chance.

Just do it with the
clear knowledge
of what you are
risking.

If you want to give the
RELATIONSHIP a chance,
then,

totally separate with the
commitment of NO CONTACT
or limited contact to be able
to co-parent
and
the abuser's commitment
to ON GOING COUNSELING
for an INDEFINITE period

and a commitment that
NO CONTACT will be
followed until no
sooner than EIGHTEEN MONTHS

at which time there may be
LIMITED contact, to be able
to see if a year and a half
of counseling has had
any effect at all.

After six months of
seeing each other,
(which is TWO YEARS
from this date),
then you may make
a decision about
whether the abuser
has become
NON-ABUSIVE.

THAT's the only way
I'd actually sign off
on giving an abuser
another chance.

Anyway. . . . that's
my perspective, for
what it's worth (as a
survivor and a clinician
with a specialty in
recovery from abuse).

Whatever you choose,
TAKE GOOD CARE.

Sending hugs and
healing prayers.

Reading what y'all have said is always a great reminder to watch for the little things. Thanks e eryone for sharing. Sorry ive been so absent. Its fling to get worse since I'm about to lose Internet please take. Care everyone. I will stop in when I can :(

I've missed you Giggle and will look for your future posts. Take care.

i think sickness is just another tool to be used, if it's easy and convenient. i would get medicine if he needed a dose of "hero" but if i was depressed into a coma he would walk past me like he didn't see me on the couch and hide in the back bedroom until the next morning.literally. come home from work, straight to the room and close the door, not to emerge until leaving for work the next day. i don't think he'd even eat. then if i asked him about it he would say "what?" like it was normal. he would do this for days or weeks, as long as it took.

it's like looking good. i could do myself up using pamela anderson's make up people, he wouldn't say a thing. but if we're with someone he wants to impress, well then he can enjoy it and even comment on it, as long as it makes him look like a human.

giggle can you go somewhere with free internet? mcdonald's? good excuse to drink fake-food milkshakes.