Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
:'( why is remembering all the things my mom has done to hurt me hurt so much? Thinking of all the times she hit me and reasons why, all the cuss words she's called me, to all the times she's told me my opinion isn't allowed or how overweight I am, or when She got called to counselor because I was depressed she said I embarrassed her. She didn't care about how I felt. Just that I had embarrassed her. I am so numb idk how to feel. Should I be angry, upset, hurt because of her? Thoughts? Advice? Help me please. :'(
Sometimes the feelings get a little powerful, and then it's wise to carefully judge your actions - but the feeling is always right. Try not to question it, wonder if it's right, or try to get away from it. Feel it, process it, vent here if you need to if it's feeling really intense.
You don't need to have feelings about your feelings. You don't need to be ashamed because you're angry, or afraid because you're depressed, or worried because you're embarrassed. Just be angry, depressed, or embarrassed. It'll pass with time. The hard part is holding on and enduring when you just think you're going to pop. But you won't. Promise. It takes lots of practice, though.
It's worth it in the end, though - if you get good at it, you'll never be like them: needing to lash out or manipulate people in order to control everyone around you. Because you can handle whatever gets thrown at you. Deep breaths.
abuse hurts because
abuse hurts.
You're numb for the same
reason that our skin develops
a callous where something
keeps rubbing it. The callous
develops to protect what's
underneath. When we're
the target of repeated abuse,
like you, the body eventually
makes us numb, to help
protect what's underneath.
My thoughts are that I hope
you will look around in your
area for a therapist with whom
you can work.
My advice: I hope you will
look around in your area for
a therapist with whom you
can work.
That's how you can
HELP YOURSELF.
Hugs and prayers
for your happy life.
I'm so sad for you.
Yes, I know the pain
of cutting is a coping
tool to anesthetize
the pain of abuse.
But there are healthier
tools. I hope you'll
choose one of them
instead of cutting.
do you see that picture of bax? you see that armor he's wearing? you need armor. you need it in the form of a mantra you repeat to yourself every time your mom says something that makes you feel bad. "i am precious, i am worthy, i am lovable. her words are about her, not me." something like that. something you practice and memorize and say to yourself every time she hurts you, to deflect it from you. do you see bax's sword? do you think that's for opening letters? he's protecting himself, and so should you. use the sword to cut off the sound of her voice, not your own skin. get armor in the form of a therapist, a school counselor, a teacher, a supportive friend, someone who encourages you to keep going and being the best you that is possible until you are able to put physical distance between yourself and this situation. get armor in the form of your words and creativity, and channel this anger into those things. turning pain into beauty changes its power, it is healing and nurturing and reminds you that there are other, bigger things in this universe, and you are not powerless.
find the light and go towards it, cutting is darkness and despair and pain on top of pain. seriously stop it. your mother doesn't need any help hurting you, don't do her work for her.
What you are feeling is understandable. I agree with what the others said about numbness being our body & psyche's way to protect us from feeling so terribly hurt and sad, and even mad - all of which are perfectly normal reactions to the trauma. You have lived with a lot of hurtful, painful trauma for a long time. You asked should you feel angry, upset, hurt because of her. An immediate answer would be 'of course.' That said, we are each entitled to feel & have whatever feelings in response to our specific situations. So if you feel something different than what's been mentioned it's ok. Feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are.
I'm gonna repeat that - feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are. Honor them by feeling them and then releasing them.
I know you might be tired of us suggesting that you to talk w/someone you trust. I get that that it's hard to do that when you don't trust anyone. But having someone trained like a therapist to talk to is critical in your growth and healing.
It's understandable that you don't trust anyone because your own mother isn't trustworthy. If we can't trust our mother, who can we trust? And I admit, the world outside of our family can be scary - scarier than our own family. The thing is that we humans are so scared of what we don't know we would rather stay in something that we know the outcome even if it's horrible. My question is what do you really have to lose? The answer is nothing more than the illusion that your mom isn't who you wish/want her to be.
That's a hard one cuz we all have that illusion about our parents, spouses, partners, etc. But that illusion is what keeps us sick & stuck and that's what makes us stay and cut or drink or do any/every other thing that is harmful to us.
In order for you to start healing you will, at some point, need to take that risk and venture outside of your family of origin and trust someone to help guide you thru the healing process. It might take trying more than one counselor, but when you find the right one, you will be on the path to healing.
It isn't fair that you will have to do the work to learn to reparent and to heal yourself, but that will be the best gift you will ever give yourself! And you are young so it won't take nearly as long as it has for me (I'm old, lol).
Therapy will be hard and it will hurt, but it won't hurt nearly as much as it hurts now. Holding in all your feelings and feeling afraid and not reaching out takes a lot more energy than going to therapy and releasing and just adds to the hurt. I know that sounds crazy but it's true.
There's a saying that we are only as sick as the secrets we keep and you are keeping a lot of secrets. Imagine how freeing it will be to let go of all your parent's stuff. (BTW, you aren't imagining it - the abuse is as bad as you think and it's making you sick.)
Please reach out to a therapist who is trained to help recover from abuse, PTSD and trauma. Not all therapists specialize in this and it is critical that they understand those dynamics.
Big healing hugs to you...
A word of caution on cutting: not only is it dangerous (blood poisoning is HIGHLY unpleasant, and untreated - lethal) but it's addictive. Yeah, it's addictive because it works. For me even knowing that, by the third time I cut, I was already starting to look for reasons to do it. Bad, bad plan.
My advice: Make yourself a list of other things to try first, to cope. A physical list - eat a meal, take a shower, take a nap, take a walk, draw a picture, sing a song, talk to someone, pray, whatever you like... and then at the bottom of the list, put cut. It's there, it's an option, but dedicate yourself to working down the list to it, so you know that it stays the option of LAST resort.
Please find someone to talk to, face to face. It'll help.
It won't help
more than
a little.
A little
isn't
enough.
What will help a lot is therapy. That's where you will learn healthy coping tools.
Keeping all the hurt inside will only make you feel worse and worse and worse. The only way past the pain is thru it and one of the best ways is w/therapy. A therapist can help you work your way thru this so it's not so painful. A therapist can help you learn to heal yourself, set healthy boundaries and reduce, if not eliminate, wanting to cut yourself.
Cutting will NOT release the emotional pain. It just delays it and shoves it down deeper.
Claim your life.