you need to do what you and only you feel is right and for your girls , do not stay married if in your heart you know you should not, you can talk to me anytime, if your mom dosent support your ideas find someone who does ,is there a women in crisis in your area?
please write back
take care of you and your girls
Diane

It's not you-it is extremely common that if we were abused in childhood we end up in an abusive adult relationship-that very normal pattern is the common denominator here-not anything about who you are or the things you do. This vacillating is going on right now is in part because what you are doing is so difficult, and in part because abuse makes us doubt our abilities to make decisions. Remember what brought you here.

Remember that what you are doing IS best for your girls-being in a household where abuse is going on, the potential of abuse coming at them is extremely damaging. It will create a whole range of negative behavior patterns they will have to deal with for the rest of their lives. I am trying to deal with the damage done to my daughter now and it is horrible. Because of the sacrifices you are making now you're girls will have the example of someone who says no to abuse as a model, they will have opportunities to see with you someone who is not abusive some day in the future and see what healthy relationships look like. This is HUGE, and it is your gift to them! Being a parent is always more about what is best for our children in the long term and not in the moment.

If your mother is not supportive be sure you are reaching out to those who are! Make yourself a priority, and do things that rejuvenate yourself-it's okay, and necessary to do this-even if you don't feel like it.

I am so sorry you are going through this. It can get better, even if it doesn't seem like it now.

Notmyself, it is REALLY, REALLY hard, I completely hear what you're saying in your post. Everything you're stating is what I have felt and questioned. You are not selfish, you are seeing an unhealthy situation for you and your kids. You know what is best for you and your kids, only you can make the decision. Trust yourself, trust your gut instincts.

Cant74deal brought up some really good points. Empower yourself, be proud that you are seeing realities with your kids early. My kids were much older when I finally saw what our situation truly was.

To be living in the same household and have it drag longer is very hard, stay strong, do what you know is best for you and your kids. Regardless of what others think, this is your life and you know what is best. Take good care

I'm so sorry to read this. I know its so hard. Someone asked me once would u rather ur kids be from a broken home or in one? I think holding on to that is the most solid thing I can do. Hold on to all of his self acts. Do you want that to be the constant in ur life and in their life? I have to say for me no maybe even hell no! I wan't better for my kids. I want better for you and your kids too.
Hugs and prayer

Not, I`m so sorry things are so hard. Huge hugs.

I had an emotionally abusive parent and ended up in an abusive marriage too. Yet, with the other people I know, the relationships are normal. It was not me, and it is not you. You are a great person and we here all know that. You are not the one who caused any of this.

If it is any comfort, I wish my mother had divorced my father. Knowing what he is like now, I would rather have spent less time with him during my later childhood/adolescent years. He is very similar to your mother and stbx. You are doing a very brave thing by filing. One day, the proceedings will be over.

Please keep going. We are all with you, and we know you are in the right. Hugs xxx

Thank you so much for the support and encouragement. I seem to still need validation and that's sad. I'm working on that with my therapist.

The points you've made about the patterns is really quite scary. I mean, if growing up these things happened, one would think a person would do everything in their power to NOT end up in a relationship with the same dynamics. Although, I'm just realizing Now, that my moms behavior towards me does tear me down and is toxic.

I am very close with my sister and she has been my rock - through this and over the years. We've been talking about breaking this cycle. How our grandmother treated my mom the same way my moms treated me. And yet she always felt awful with the guilt that was dumped on her... And yet she's doing it to me :((

I am trying desperately Not to turn into the same person. I love my girls with all my heart. I am a very sensitive empathetic person and want my girls to have a happy healthy childhood. My grandfather ran out on my grandmother when my mom was 3 and my grandma had just given birth to my aunt. It was brutal. My grandmother had a breakdown and was never the same.

I do not want this divorce to shape me and turn me into some bitter person who will feel entitled for the rest of myself. I really want to break the cycle. I want to build up my confidence, realize this is a huge life-changing event, but also view it as a positive step in the right direction - for me and especially for my girls.

Reading how you women were strong enough to get out gives me the push to keep moving forward. You understand and lived with the dynamics of abusive parent(s) and got out of your bad relationships. And your showing your kids your strength - that's a wonderful thing :)

It is heart breaking to see our kids suffering. I will say that my older daughter (9) had already picked up on my stbx behaviors and negative attitude. She had also become very anxious. I'm seeing it now and am so happy I'm able to help her and try and turn things around before it shapes her too much.

I'll keep moving forward and limit my time spent with my mom while going through this process. As I become stronger, I hope to work on my relationship with her and be able to stand up to her when she starts treating me poorly. But for now, I'll keep building myself up and focus on my girls.

Sending hugs and strength to you ladies :)

You're in a very hard place
in a very difficult process.

I'm glad that your response
this morning is in a clearer,
stronger place than last night.

You are NOT the "common denominator."

You were raised in a
dysfunctional family of origin
which made you VULNERABLE
to becoming a target for
a PREDATOR.

Please take
GOOD CARE
of yourself!!!!!!!!

Sending you hugs
and wishes for
strength and clarity
to make it through
this tough time.

oh not, I am so sorry. I know how hard it is to live in the same house, waiting for it to be over. The thing I realized in hindsight is that as long as you live w/them, even if you're in separate rooms, there is no true healing (and barely survival). And that means we continue to feel confused, doubt our own sanity and revert back to blaming ourselves.

Living w/the abuser is like living in a toxic waste dump. Abuse causes our brain to not be able to see things clearly or know what all of our options. There is much research around this and they say that it can actually cause the hippocampus to shrink. That's the part of the brain that sees the options and makes decisions based on what it sees. (It's also part of the brain that is connected to PTSD.) When it shrinks, decision making is skewed and options seem limited. Because you grew up w/abuse and then married it, it's really hard to make headway, even w/therapy when you are still living in & with the toxic cesspool of the abuser.

For me it was impossible to begin to heal, even w/therapy, until I was out of the toxicity. That made it hard to trust my own instincts and intuition. It was like living in as close to hell as I ever want to be. Even after I left, I struggled w/self-blame until I found the right therapist w/the right modalities that finally helped me start to heal.

You are NOT selfish. You do NOT expect too much. Well actually, you can't expect much from an abuser. They are who they are and they will not get better. But when speaking of non-abusers, you wouldn't be expecting too much.

I know you may not be able to see it clearly right now, but you have come so far. You have tried everything and done more than most to make this work. The problem is it won't work w/just one person doing all the work. And that is one of the dynamics of abuse - the source ends up being the only one trying and working so hard to make things right but nothing satisfies the abuser and the source blames her/himself when the blame lies elsewhere.


If you can get out of the house that he has made so toxic and go to a park or any place in nature, even for an hour, please go there and sit quietly. Allow the peace and calm of nature to flow over you. Take a moment to go within and listen to your inner knowing. You will know what your (NOT HIS) truth is.

You will see that you are a kind loving beautiful soul who wants the best for her children and herself. And you will know, even if just for a brief moment, that what you are doing is right for you and your children mentally, physically emotionally and spiritually. Do this as often as you can, as nature is very healing and it will help you keep your sanity and bring you back to who you really are.

Once you get out (or he moves out), things will begin to calm down. It will be then that you will truly begin the healing process. Together w/a therapist who understands and has additional training in the dynamics and recovery from abuse, you will begin your new life. It takes time - a lot of time - to recover and heal.

Please take good care of you and never ever forget that you deserve to be loved, respected, treated kindly and live in an abuse-free environment.

I understand what is happening I too was raised by a Mom like that an slowly slipped into an abusive marriage that lasted till he died.
No don't call off the divorce, Start some counseling for you an the girls together.and some for you alone.
What Mom thinks is not important here, its how about your life with him your not happy it isn't a healthy relationship .Don't let someone elses thoughts undermine what your doing they haven't walked in your shoes. I am here for you

It's NOT you. It's them. The abusers are all experts at twisting things and making us feel that we are the guilty ones. MyTrueColors and others have said some very important things here. Also, your custody demands are NOT unreasonable. The kids need to be with you on school nights because otherwise it would cause an even greater disruption in their lives. I think you are being very generous to even give him one week night dinner! Definitely, separate school and weekend times.
Sending you much love.

He is making things difficult and not honoring your decision. That in no way indicates that the decision is the wrong one (quite the opposite, actually!). Mine did the same thing. He drug his feet, wouldn't move out, told me he wouldn't let me divorce him, tried to take my kids from me. It took three years before our divorce was final. I'm sorry, but none of these things are the actions of a person who loving wants to build a healthy relationship! He would have had a thousand better alternatives! Instead, he chose terrorist tactics and tried to scare me into staying. It almost worked, but what kind of marriage would we have had after that? I know it's really hard right now, but it will get better with time! And you will be able to get some distance from him, which will be so important so that you can teach your girls that disrespect is not okay!

And I do agree that the kids should be in their own beds (with you!) on school nights. Mine also requested for the kids to stay with him on Sunday nights. Well, he is extremely irresponsible and late for everything. That is just way too much stress for kids. Kids need stability and routine!

Please talk to your doctor about your depression. It can be treated. I took Zoloft for several years and it really helped me a lot. (And I *am* off it now for a couple of years.)

Hang in there. xx

I am so very sorry not,
I was hoping things were better.
MTC states everything point on. Please listen to what all these great people are saying to you. I know things are horribly hard, but things will get better, just hang on.
Please practice a lot of self care and try and treat yourself often. You deserve it.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))

Wow I'm always amazed at my friends here. People who get it. Know what to say. Are always there offering amazing words of encouragement and support.

I haven't been able to reply. I've been wiped out. Took a really bad dip on this roller coaster the last week but reading these replies has helped me so much.

I do like it when I have some clarity and strength. I feel like I can do anything and me and the girls will be ok. I only wish those moments lasted longer ;) But I understand it's all part of the process.

MTC - you make such great points and have taught me so much. Describing my living situation like a Toxic waste dump and how our brains just can't handle it all. The PTSD and triggers. It all makes sense. It's true. Therapy helps while I'm there and in the few hours afterwards but when he comes home at night I just feel different inside. Like I don't want this stranger in my house anymore. Then I read replies from you guys and again I feel empowered and confident.... Until I have to interact with him again. It's like a yo-yo and can really wear you thin.

I know I've come a long way from the person I was over the last 8 months even. It's just when the dips come in waves it's so completely overwhelming, depressing and I can feel myself and my thinking reverting back to my old ways.

I do love being outside - the beach with the girls is so much fun! I'm sad summers over and pray that we can move this process along. Thank you so much for the kind words ;)

Catlady- thank you for your support. I am in therapy since Oct and it's helpful. I've also started my 9 yr old in therapy a few months ago because she was suffering from anxiety. It's helping. And I know things will be easier emotionally once he moves out. I'm So sorry to hear about your struggles.

Q- I'm working hard on standing my ground for my girls. I know what's best for them. I know he's their father and he needs to be in their lives but it has to be on terms that's best for them. They can't be shuffled around all the time. It wouldn't be good for them.

Rose- it's funny because he never honored my requests during our marriage, so why am I surprised that he's digging his heels and making the divorce difficult. I've told my atty a few times my feelings on the custody. I pray it works out for the best. Because if he and I can't agree they will send a court appointed social worker to come into our home and evaluate. I will NOT let happen.

Gem - I'm listening and doing my best with self care :)

Update..
I spoke to my attorney Friday and stbx atty finally returned the calls/email we've been trying to contact him since Aug 30th to set up our first 4-way mtg. However, he said he was going out of town for a week and will contact my stbx when he returns to try and push the date up to the first week of october

Yesterday, I lost it with my husband. It started out with the cars. I have a 2006 minivan which is now pd off but has about 90k miles on it. He has a 2012 truck thats leased - and we have car payments still. He's over on his lease and still has a few months to go and said he still wants to share my van when he takes the girls out of state to visit his family! He said he still owns my minivan. I said we have 2 cars - we each take ours. He said I should pay him half of what the minivan is valued at since it's paid off. I was incensed that he could be so fckin money hungry. I asked him if he thought I'd be shitting out that money??? Then he went on to ask if I even thought about all of his expenses, etc. I said ya know, when we were married, a couple, a team, YES I cared. But now, its clear you are only thinking of yourself and I am now starting to doing the same. I don't have the energy to think/worry about you anymore!

When I asked if he's found a place yet, he said, no. But everything will be over by october, so I'll move then. I said - I don't think it'll be over in october. And then I lost it bc he said he spoke to his atty. So either HE is lying right to my face, or his atty lied to my atty or whatever! I said to him that his atty has been MIA since Aug 30th and now claims he'll be out of town for yet another week.

Either you or he is dragging this out. And I can deal with it, but it's confusing as hell for the girls.

He's still planning on fighting for the girls for 2 nights after school for dinner a week. The he turned on the fake tears I was not falling for his crap. he's a liar! He tried to lay the guilt in regards to the girls how it's not fair for them - they deserve to see their father more than once a week and every other weekend.

My older daughter just got accepted into the Talented/Gifted program and with that comes a lot of extra school work, school work she'll miss form her regular school when she gets pulled out to attend these classes for the Gifted. I just don't see stbx sitting with her going over her assignments and getting the girls dinner and back home to my place all within 2 hours!

My question I can get him out if I wanted. It'll take one call to my atty and he can draw up papers saying that stbx has to move out during the divorce. Would that set him off? Would it make me look bad, because I can just see/hear him twisting everything to the attys - how he's trying to comply, helps with the girls, gives me my space, etc. and I'm just being mean.

Please, any advice would be welcomed!

Hi not,
It appears that he may be just giving you lip service while he then goes and plans things differently. It also appears he hi going to be mean no matter what you do.
I would make sure the attorney knows about the gifted program and all the extra homework so your daughter needs to come home on school nights.
I also think you shouldn't tell him (husband) a thing about what you are going to do as he will use it against you and finally, I would get rid of him as fast as possible. It is detrimental to you and the girls well being.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))
I wish you the very best.