Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Last night was the worst it has been in a long time and I am sick to my stomach about it. My abuser is my husband and he has serious anger issues.
The night before he was angry and yelled and wrote me a letter the next day apologizing and saying he will try to stop yelling at me.
Last night I did one little thing to set him off and that was it - he flipped out completely blaming me for ruining his night and called me every name in the book.
Unfortunately, our 11 year old son heard everything and got very upset. My husband is a controller and when he thinks I am to blame for something, he will use it to manipulate me into thinking I need to kiss his ass. I tried to reason with him, but he would not have it.
He left me a nasty note this morning before he went to work, and now all I can think about is going back in time to change what happened.
The worst part is the anxiety I will feel before he comes home tonight and how he will act. I hate feeling this way and there is no talking to him when he is like this.
I called his mom last night just to vent, because she knows everything pretty much. I think she is the only one who knows all the details. I know he has some chemical imbalances in his brain that cause these mood swings, but he cannot take any meds for it.
I don't know what to do right now or how to act when he gets home and I know he will still be angry and mean to me. I can't leave the house tonight because of my son, and at this point - I don't think it will help anything. Do I just ignore him or try to reason with him. I think I just need to know what to do.
I feel so vulnerable right now because he blames me instead of himself, which is usually the case.
I hate this!!!
The night before he was angry and yelled and wrote me a letter the next day apologizing and saying he will try to stop yelling at me.
Last night I did one little thing to set him off and that was it - he flipped out completely blaming me for ruining his night and called me every name in the book.
Unfortunately, our 11 year old son heard everything and got very upset. My husband is a controller and when he thinks I am to blame for something, he will use it to manipulate me into thinking I need to kiss his ass. I tried to reason with him, but he would not have it.
He left me a nasty note this morning before he went to work, and now all I can think about is going back in time to change what happened.
The worst part is the anxiety I will feel before he comes home tonight and how he will act. I hate feeling this way and there is no talking to him when he is like this.
I called his mom last night just to vent, because she knows everything pretty much. I think she is the only one who knows all the details. I know he has some chemical imbalances in his brain that cause these mood swings, but he cannot take any meds for it.
I don't know what to do right now or how to act when he gets home and I know he will still be angry and mean to me. I can't leave the house tonight because of my son, and at this point - I don't think it will help anything. Do I just ignore him or try to reason with him. I think I just need to know what to do.
I feel so vulnerable right now because he blames me instead of himself, which is usually the case.
I hate this!!!
The only solution I can give u is neither, because the only thing you can do to be abuse free is leave him or kick him out!
Otherwise no matter how much u brush it under the carpet or reason with him, you will never be successful in changing him or this situation! You have to make the change, it comes from you not him!
And don't expect that if u leave him or reel him to leave that he will all of a sudden realize in a way were he will change and it will all be ok because it won't!
There are plenty of people who have metal illnesses and don't abuse, please do not give the chemical imbalances as an excuse for him!
How does anyone know he has these imbalances? Have they scientifically been measured? Or has he been diagnosed by his behavior?
His behavior is that of an abuser, unfortunately it can be diagnosed as the symptoms of someone who's got a mental illness !
Please reads the book "why does he do that? Inside the minds of controlling and angry men"
Here's a link for u to buy it, if recommend u hide it from him make sure he doesn't know your reading it !
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0425191656/ref=mp_s_a_1?qid=1359546804&sr=8-1&pi=SL75
He was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and used to take Xanax, which really helped, but he cannot take it anymore because he drives a truck.
I am by no means making excuses for him, believe me, I know who and what he is. I also know that there is probably more to it than a chemical imbalance,
I know I need a long term solution, but I really need help with the short term right now. My anxiety is through the roof right now.
I will definitely look into ordering the book
I tried it all. I would sit on his lap kissing him...made him beautiful dinners...tried talking...crying...you name it..I did it. I came down with pneumonia twice...bronchitis...stomach problems...etc. I lived on an inhaler for 2 years. (I haven't used it once since I filed)
I don't think there is a solution any of us will be able to provide you with to help you get thru walking on eggshells and learning to live with the fear of setting him off. How do you tell someone how to learn to be called disgusting names?
I will share my first abusive ex with you who did the same in front of one of my sons. (my oldest) My son is now in his 30's. He heard the names and the rage at me. He felt defenseless as a young 11 yr old. He so badly wanted to stand up to this piece of crap and tell him to stop abusing his mom. At 14 turned to drugs. At 24 he was on life support for 7 weeks. He defied the odds and thankfully he survived. He is in his 30's and won't commit to any girl. He is trying to overcome his anger and fights to stay clean everyday.
I wish I could go back in time for a redo. I thought at that time I had no options. My heart hurts when I think back and see what life was like for my son.
Sometimes we have to make choices that aren't always the easy ones for us when kids are involved. They can't make those choices for themselves.
This is just my story...and by no means am I telling you what to do. I feel for you as I feel for all of us here. We can only share our experience with you when you ask.
Please think about whats best for your son. It isn't too late for him to see that you removed yourself from a bad situation because abuse isn't acceptable.
Wish you luck!
The book is one, next is to give your local women's shelter a call and discuss your situation with them, they can put u in touch with resources and also help u do develope a plan if you want to!
They won't force u into anything, they r just very insightful into abusive relationships and will know how to help u on a level we can't on here.
And keep posting because the one thing u can get from us in here is support night and day and a common understanding of really knowing what your going through as we've been there or r there!
I'd also recommend a counseller, not for him but just for you!
Can I ask, why can't u leave? Is there a specific reason?
You are really in the thick of things. I feel your anxiousness. I can;t give you tips on how to cope, That would be like me encouraging you to stay in your abuse.
If you are in in physical danger than you really need to go. There is no way around it.
Can you start working on a plan to leave? Start the pep work? Baby steps will still get you there.
Stay safe
Seewae
-also the codependant no more books are good reads!
I found the hard way that trying to cope while in a toxic environment, even going to alanon & therapy every week, will only do one thing...maybe...and that is barely survive. In the meantime, I got sicker and sicker, physically, mentally, emotionally & spiritually.
Please contact your local shelter for assistance. Most have groups that anyone dealing w/any kind of abuse can attend for free. They can also help you make a safe plan to leave when you're ready.
Do NOT (I repeat, DO NOT) tell him what you're doing. It will only make things worse.
Get you and your son into therapy, but do NOT do couples counseling. Couples counseling doesn't work w/an abuser. Going to CODA (codependence anonymous) meetings can also be helpful.
DO take better care of you. Nurture yourself. Love yourself above all others. If you don't take care of you, you can't take good care of your son.
Staying in an abusive relationship is not only hurting your son, it's teaching him it's ok to abuse and to be abused.
Please stay safe, he sounds very dangerous.