Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
OK I have been back and forth with my off and on boyfriend and have been in domestic violence counseling and some support groups. He has been verbally and emotionally abusive and seems to be much kinder when he is on his meds for depression, it is when he went off nearly a year ago things started to change and I signed up to be on counseling waiting list because of his anger. It was very manipulative. It's like I felt fearful to bring stuff up that was upsetting or hurtful. Anyway several breakups later and I'm back. I know I have issues with self esteem and love addiction and loneliness. I know abusive relationships are in my experience.
What I need support with is a most recent upset. I know I am a volunteer in this situation and I am hoping if I get some supportive feedback it will help me decide to stop subjecting myself to stuff that is bringing out the worst in me (his lack of compassion and dishonesty).
Well he got a job as a tattoo artist and makes tons of money with his lack of education (8th grade graduate). I am college educated and have at times worked for minimum wage. I don't think he has any concept of how much it hurts when I talk about work and he says he won't work for less than so much an hour (OK I am envious).
We were in Target and I'd worked there 18 years ago in another state where minimum wage was less than here, anyway not much. I just told him I used to work here for so much an hour. He said "I wouldn't look at someone for that much"
So a couple days later I got offered a job that pays more per hour than I've ever made. I told him it pays more and he asked me how much.
I said I don't want to tell him he's mean about money. I said he's never known how much I make. I never told him, he never asked. I brought up his comment and said it hurt. He did not offer an apology so I REMINDED him he could apologize. He said sorry, I said WHY. He said because he's being assasinated by me.
That is not a real apology and I don't think he is sorry. Why would he say that? Why would he say something that is such a put down. This is how I responded.
I just want to stay away. It hurts.
What I need support with is a most recent upset. I know I am a volunteer in this situation and I am hoping if I get some supportive feedback it will help me decide to stop subjecting myself to stuff that is bringing out the worst in me (his lack of compassion and dishonesty).
Well he got a job as a tattoo artist and makes tons of money with his lack of education (8th grade graduate). I am college educated and have at times worked for minimum wage. I don't think he has any concept of how much it hurts when I talk about work and he says he won't work for less than so much an hour (OK I am envious).
We were in Target and I'd worked there 18 years ago in another state where minimum wage was less than here, anyway not much. I just told him I used to work here for so much an hour. He said "I wouldn't look at someone for that much"
So a couple days later I got offered a job that pays more per hour than I've ever made. I told him it pays more and he asked me how much.
I said I don't want to tell him he's mean about money. I said he's never known how much I make. I never told him, he never asked. I brought up his comment and said it hurt. He did not offer an apology so I REMINDED him he could apologize. He said sorry, I said WHY. He said because he's being assasinated by me.
That is not a real apology and I don't think he is sorry. Why would he say that? Why would he say something that is such a put down. This is how I responded.
I just want to stay away. It hurts.
I ordered the book. I think it will help me with this situation and also with this step 9 I am stuck on (making amends).
When I put up with disrespect I feel more prone to deserve it and take it and the cycle spirals down.
When I respect myself and feel I deserve it from others I feel more uplifted and less prone to put up with disrespect.
Its funny early on I understood he just wasn't raised that way to show self respect or respect for me and as I grow and change I realize how by overlooking this need I have for respect I have really harmed myself.
you stated above: "I am hoping if I get some supportive feedback it will help me decide to stop subjecting myself to..." him, essentially.
That statement indicates that you don't really need help DECIDING... because you already stated what the decision is that you need support with... deciding to STOP subjecting yourself.
You asked why he would say that... and I am going to assume that the 'that' you are referring to is when he said that you were assassinating him... he was telling you that he felt under attack, and that the reason he said sorry was not because he was sorry but because you were pressuring him.
As far as put downs go... I think in his own unhealthy way, with the money discussions, he was trying to tell you that you should think that you are worth more than you are being paid, or were being paid... and that he has set his standards high in this regard. Now was he looking down his nose, yes... was he being a prick, yes... but only you can decide what you are going to do with that. You can focus on the hurtfulness of the delivery, or shift focus onto what power and sentiment is hidden beneath the surface... even if its not his intent, you can still pull out a more fruitful meaning. You really can choose to hear something constructive even in the midst of a destructive delivery. He is financially more successful than you are, and you admit that you are envious of that. Well... part of his success is in his attitude toward what he will accept for pay. So if you want to experience that level of financial success, you might decide to take his criticism as a call for you to raise the bar on what you will settle for in terms of pay.
I'm not justifying his attitude or minimizing the hurtfulness of how he came across. Certainly he sounds like a jerk, and if you find it appropriate to quit him, don't hesitate.
But for however long you do decide to continue to subject yourself, you can also choose what you are going to do in terms of reframing his comments and making them something that can inspire you inspite of him.
Think of a rosebush. His attitude and his comments are the thorns. When he pricks you, for a bit ya focus on the pain and the blood and ya lick your wound for a few minutes.... but when you are done with that, you can still smell the flower and appreciate its sweetness. Don't ever let the pricks keep you from finding the sweetness in the rose.
Incidentally, the cornering him into the apology and then questioning him as to WHY he apologized... I'm not sure but I smell a hint of manipulation... be careful of that. When my 6 year old apologizes, I ask her to explain what she is apologizing for, so that I can know if she gathers the depth of whatever has happened. But she is 6, and its my job to teach her. He is not your child... and when you asked WHY... there was an insult insinuation there... not just a quest for the information, but also an insinuation that his apology was not sincere (an obviously true insinuation) BUT ALSO an insinuation that he is incapable of knowing what he should be apologizing for... that he is inept when it comes to basic decency... and has to be REMINDED into an apology which then in delivering, comprimised his very integrity... ugh. Ultimately it all reflects much more badly on him than you... but all you can do is learn and grow through your side of it... so just be careful about insinuation insults and coercing apologies.
Its one thing to be a jerk who isn't sorry. Its another to be a lying jerk who will flippantly say sorry and not mean it. He should have told you that he wasn't apologizing because he wasn't sorry. At least then you could respect that he was honest. I can handle a certain amount of 'jerk' but I won't tolerate a liar.
I wanted feedback on why he would say the putdown comment. The whole thing just has me avoiding him because it is not bringing out the best in me and it is useless to try to take it out on him.
Once again I am a volunteer in this. Just trying to get objective feedback to see it for what it is.
I thought you meant the repeated references to his income demands.... was I wrong?
I was hoping to get support agreeing with me on this from people experienced with learning about verbal abuse.
I do see the arrogance in what I perceive his tone to have been. But I guess I still just see it as an "I" statement, albeit an arrogant one.
Sometimes its hard to tell where the implications really are... you would know better than anyone how to interpret it based on the history of his level of respect for you.
I do understand the quest for validation, but sometimes just what your gut says has to be enough. If the whole world told you this guy was a peach and treated you wonderfully, your heart would still know that he doesn't treat you the way you feel you should be treated. when it comes down to it, you have to sometimes let that be enough and act accordingly regardless of who agrees.
Mind you, I don't disagree with you. I just didn't read it the way you heard it the first time... but I definately got the part where he is an arrogant jerk, if that helps.