Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Hi, Im new here, obviously. My story is too long to tell in one sitting, but to get to the point, Im in an emotionally abusive marriage. Ive known about my husbands narcisstic behavior about 10 months into our relationship, but it always too late to leavelease was signed, baby on the way, oops, were married now. Ive known him for 10 years, but the faade he put on outside of the relationship was shattered once we got into the relationship.
We havent been married a year yet. Our daughter is 6 months old. Im going through all these emotionsI dont want to be a failure in my marriage, I dont want my daughter to have a broken home, he may change, its just too hard financially to leave. I know all the reasons not to go along with my excuses, but still, it is SO HARD. Especially when my husband switches up on me and is as sweet as pie (classic, I know).
How do I get over these feelings? How do I start to leave?
The main things keeping me is that one, were in an apartment lease until the end of Augustplenty of time for ups and downs. I can afford the apartment by myself (hell, I pay for everything now since he doesnt work), but, of course, he wont leave. Also, I dreamed of getting a house this year. Ive been making strides to afford one, even by myself. But if he throws any kink in my plans, that dream is gone. I just wish he would quietly go away at the end of this lease and not drive me too crazy while Im here.
I really have no support. Hes charmed my family and Im far away from my friends. I have one good friend here who can help me emotionally, but definitely not financially. He claims if we ever divorce, hes gonna fight me tooth and nail for our daughter. And that Im a bad mom for driving her father away. I know, this is probably all classic to you guys, but Im dying here.
Well, I just popped in to say hello and nice to meet you all. I hope to learn from you guys and share too.
We havent been married a year yet. Our daughter is 6 months old. Im going through all these emotionsI dont want to be a failure in my marriage, I dont want my daughter to have a broken home, he may change, its just too hard financially to leave. I know all the reasons not to go along with my excuses, but still, it is SO HARD. Especially when my husband switches up on me and is as sweet as pie (classic, I know).
How do I get over these feelings? How do I start to leave?
The main things keeping me is that one, were in an apartment lease until the end of Augustplenty of time for ups and downs. I can afford the apartment by myself (hell, I pay for everything now since he doesnt work), but, of course, he wont leave. Also, I dreamed of getting a house this year. Ive been making strides to afford one, even by myself. But if he throws any kink in my plans, that dream is gone. I just wish he would quietly go away at the end of this lease and not drive me too crazy while Im here.
I really have no support. Hes charmed my family and Im far away from my friends. I have one good friend here who can help me emotionally, but definitely not financially. He claims if we ever divorce, hes gonna fight me tooth and nail for our daughter. And that Im a bad mom for driving her father away. I know, this is probably all classic to you guys, but Im dying here.
Well, I just popped in to say hello and nice to meet you all. I hope to learn from you guys and share too.
DO NOT BUY A HOUSE WITH HIM!
DO NOT BUY A HOUSE WHILE STILL MARRIED!
Seriously. Read my story.
I've been married 17 months and we bought a house together, and now he's holding it hostage to get back at me for leaving. I believe he is purposely damaging the house as well. It is probably going to be a lengthy court battle to get this house sold, which he doesn't pay one red cent to.
Please file for divorce and leave him now. He will never change, despite his pleas that he will. No matter how much you love him, he will still treat you like dirt.
As for how you start this process ...
1) Get a checking account in your name only.
2) Start saving away a little bit of money here or there when you can.
3) If he's not on the lease, kick him out of the apartment. If he is on the lease, I suppose you could wait until August and then get a smaller place yourself to give you money for the legal fees.
4) Make copies of important documents, like bank statements and tax returns.
5) Contact the local women's shelter. They may be able to provide you with some free counseling, support group, legal aid, etc. and they are experts at this stuff.
6) He might get some partial custody, but he's not going to be able to take your daughter away from you. Don't let that threat keep you in this marriage.
Since you have decided that you do want to leave. Start putting money in a seperate account and start making plans. Keep a copy of any and all documents with the friend you trust. A change of clothes for you and the baby and anything else you feel would be needed in the event you are ready for flight.
Never ever ever for one minute tell him what you are doing, thinking about doing, and never tell him about this site. Keep anything you do to help you escape to yourself.
Remember sometimes they will charm your friends into betraying you. This is what happened to me. Read all the post you can here. Great ladies and great ideas here. We can help you. Hugs!
So it does take a LOT of courage to leave. But there is support and help out there for you if you ask ...
we hit at the same time. Sorry if it looked like I was reiterating what you said. I think we post posted simultainiously. ;)
Your story sounds a lot like mine. Get out as soon as you can. There is absolutely nothing you can do to make it better living with a narcissist.
If you like your apartment, kick him out. If he won't leave, you will need to.
Many were fooled by my ex who could be very charming, but the reality is that you have to live with him 24/7/365, right? No one knows what that is like or what you have gone through.
Think about your future and your child;s future and where you want to go. Get a lawyer and start stashing cash somewhere. And come back here as often as you like, we are here to support you.
Don't be like me. I stayed for many years too long because I too wanted to preserve the image of a happy family. My heart goes out to you because I have been where you are.
Believe what you read here.
He will NEVER change for the better.
DON'T get in any deeper.
Cut your losses.
You will not be a failure in your marriage.
The marriage contract was b roken by abuse.
ABUSE BREAKS the CONTRACT.
If you stay, you'll be teaching your daughter that it's okay to sit around and be abused by your partner. If you leave, he may still be in her life, but she'll see a mother who stood for her respect and dignity, and for that of her child, as well.
I'm sorry this has happened to you, but it's never "too late" to leave. Teach your baby that no one should be abused.
Listen to the posters who've been on already, and please take care of yourself!
Ilene
Sue, Welcome to the group.
Do Not Buy A House While Still Married.
he will be intitle to 1/2 even if the loan is soly in your name and he can tieup the sale of the house.
Ladys please stop finacally supporting Jerks
espically since thier beating you up while you take care of thier sorry butts.
Take care of yourself for yourself and well being of your child and your child future.
You are in a very tough situation, but as the victim of a narc, I can tell you, NOTHING is worth staying with them. They don't change, the are abnormal, their brain is abnormal, you are living with a cardboard cut-out of a person, a fake man who only cares about himself.
When my exN abandoned me just a couple of months ago, he tried his damndest to work his way back in. I wouldn't let him. As a result, I have to deal with a lot of financial and practical stuff on my own now. I basically have to rethink my life. Not easy, but it's not as bad as him being in my life again.
When/if you decide you can no longer be with him, be smart about planning. Narcs are nasty when it comes to divorce. Try to get the best lawyer you can, document everything, don't tell him your plans--you and your child's safety come first.
Once the process gets in gear, talk to your family, tell them everything you know about him, what he's done so you can get their support . It's very hard for people who haven't been with a Narc to understand, so you may have to prepare for a bit of that too. Tell them they are not to speak to him, and you must have their support during this very difficult time, especially NOT engaging him in conversations - he may try to gain their sympathy - again...typical behavior. If some can't get on board, you need to detach from them too. That friend that you say will support you emotionally - fantastic! You will likely need them more than you know.
YOU are not the failure in the marriage, HE is. Your daughter will be much better off without a narcissist influencing her day in and day out.
There is a lot of good, practical advice here for getting started. Also, read about Narcs and what they are capable of - things like, what they do and say when they're trying to 'win' you back, how they handle divorce..etc. He's already threatened to take your daughter away, what does that mean? Oh, it's to hurt YOU, not because it's good for the child. That is a prime example of their sick, twisted reality. Prepare your best for what's in store so you're not blindsided.
Best of luck!
Lots of great posts. Probably not much I can say that hasn't been touched on already.
It sounds like you are a very strong person. You say he doesn't even have a job. It'll be pretty tough on him to try to take your kid because he is a man with no job, no place (other than what you are providing), and he is abusive. Start documenting his abuse in a journal or somewhere you can access it later. I agree NOT to buy a house with him. That will cause all kinds of legal hassels when you decide to leave.
Abusers rarely change.
Hugs and welcome!
It's never too late to leave....I was in my 31st year of marriage when I left!!! With a 15 yr. old son...My ex was so much like yours. Not so much when we were young but it got worse as it got older.
The thing with abusers...It never gets better. It always gets worse. It's about Power and Control....
Save the house buying till you are free of him, or he will own half of it, even if he's not on the deed or the mtg.
Time to start making plans he knows nothing about. There is a lot of good info on this site about exiting safely from a n abusive relationship. I got a PO box in my name, used it as an address to get a credit card...and put my atty's retainer on that...He had no idea....
Where there's a will there's a way, and you will have lots of support here as you travel down this path.
Hugs...you are in my prayers....
I agree with everyone else, listen to your gut feeling it sounds like its screaming RED FLAG..
Do not sign anything in a joint account, if you buy the house put it in your name only.....
There are a million excuses, wanting a baby, wanting a house, wanting some peace and a partner to work with - worrying that your baby doesn't have a proper father. These are just SOME of the things that I cried about and believe me there were more.
Well, how about a post-nuptual agreement? I don't know a lot about them, but they could center on finances, thereby protecting the money you came in with. You can get a free consult on that, just to explore it.
Get a free consult with a divorce lawyer to know your rights, since you're not ready to leave him now. Let them paint the picture of custody and marital property. That can only be helpful.
Visit a battered woman's clinic to talk with a counselor there. They have heard it all. No one will force you to leave him, but they might tell you some experiences that you may, in fact, encounter in the future. Anticipate anything or everything because you just don't know what you're facing. Then you will be prepared.
From a simplistic standpoint, you can start documenting the abuse, and keep it very private, along with your thoughts and feelings about the marriage not being what it needs to be.
Give yourself some protection with boundaries around the baby, around your own money and shared money. This has got to happen right away.
All the comments above are well-founded. If you open up some bank account and protect your credit, it will give you some reassurances whether you stay or leave. I haven't heard about one abusive spouse that hasn't threatened to take everything and everyone down with him. That's just the way they see it.
The lease is up in August? Well, that's right around the corner. If you try to prepare yourself, then this is actually a workable timetable for making a decision as to whether you simply kick him out with the help of a restraining order or decide to move out on your own. Sometimes a deadline is helpful.
Perhaps I'm not listening to where you are, and pushing ideas on you too fast. But, at least give yourself some input from professionals that see this everyday. They will allow you to go through all the things that are holding you back, face all your fears, and do it with the support you need.
My DV counselor had lots of strategies, for staying, for leaving and all that lies in between. For me, it was amazing to have someone acknowledge what I was going through because my EX is charming and manipulative as well. She gave me strength just by understanding and putting words to the confusion.
But, the house becomes marital property and then you'll have to split it, wonder if you can support it, and that can complicate things.
Please ask the lawyer, just for your own sanity. It will be deemed a short marriage. Just worried that if it stays this way, and you're supporting him, that as time goes by, you may just be giving him temporary spousal support to get him on his feet. That would be awful as he's already thinking he deserves everything you have now, but he'll want a piece of the future, too.
Glad you're here. RB
Great advice posted in this thread.
I can only add to get out now. Things will not get better.
From one who knows!
My ex, is Narcississtic. I relate to all that you have said. He sucked the life right out of me in ways I didnt know were possible. Emotionally, physically, finanacially,..He took my life that seemed to be good when i met him, and flipped it several times.
Making the decision to leave is the easy part....maintaining the strength to see it through is were the battle begins...
First..plan.
Second. Make back up plan.
Third. Execute plan
Love yourself everyday, if you don't who will?
There were days when the urge to go back was so overwhelming I once threw a 250.00 cell phone from the car window because it wouldn't stop ringing. I had lost everything to him, all my savings, my car was a wreck, my bills unpaid, my house unkept, i was crying all the time, i was a nervous wreck, physically i was sick all the time, run down,..I blamed myself over and over for all the things that went wrong..what did i do, not do...di i not buy enough things for him, pay enough bills for him,..have sex enough,..did i gain too much weight...finally i convinced (or started to) myself that it was him, not me,..that he can not be fixed,..by me...(or anyone)
the only thing left was to run..save myself literally before i became like him...cold, unfeeling, selfish,..moody,...manipulative...i didnt want that...
i told myself over and over that all the calls, emails, visits unexpectedly were his fake persona...his charming, win me back BS...the real bastard lie in wait someplace inside...lurking like a serial killer..cuz to me thats what he is...he kills off (people with NPD) piece by piece of me..torturously, slowly, and without regret...like a sport...the minute i cave he thinks...touchdown...she's mine again to play with like a toy...the love is empty, unfeeling, and non existant....cold as ice...
Do the only thing you can now.....run.....
do not get tangled in a mess with him any further than u have to....i know people can say this easily sometimes but it is just house,..its material. At the end of the day it means nothing up against your safety, sanity, and well-being. If its meant to be, in time you'll get one without him...
Good Luck, Kepp coming here too there are some amazing postings here about NPD...