Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Been trying to talk to H about why I feel anxious in this relationship, ie my anxiety comes from anticipating his anger and cruel comments. He said, no, my anxiety is a result of my childhood abuse and is nothing to do with him. Yesterday he came home from work and spent ages typing up a very involved flow chart, all about my issues, as a way of helping me see what is really going on.....truly, who does this sort of stuff, cataloguing another persons problems and telling them where they come from and what they should do about them?
Is this in any way normal, does this happen in any one else's relationship? I feel like a science project. Is this some really weird kind of control?
He just cannot see that his behaviour produces anxiety in me , it is all somehow my issue, I can't connect emotionally to him because I have 'emotional deficits', not because he is being a d---head and I don't want to be close to him.
I talked to a counsellor today and she said that blaming me and making everything my issue is a way for him to avoid looking at himself and if I accept the blame and keep trying to change myself, he will never be forced to look at his own behaviour. She challenged me to stop accepting responsibility for his depression, anger and bad behaviour.
Anyone have any insight into this? Don't know if I feel confident enough
to stand up for myself.
Is this in any way normal, does this happen in any one else's relationship? I feel like a science project. Is this some really weird kind of control?
He just cannot see that his behaviour produces anxiety in me , it is all somehow my issue, I can't connect emotionally to him because I have 'emotional deficits', not because he is being a d---head and I don't want to be close to him.
I talked to a counsellor today and she said that blaming me and making everything my issue is a way for him to avoid looking at himself and if I accept the blame and keep trying to change myself, he will never be forced to look at his own behaviour. She challenged me to stop accepting responsibility for his depression, anger and bad behaviour.
Anyone have any insight into this? Don't know if I feel confident enough
to stand up for myself.
Your counsellor (sorry) doesn't seem to understand abuse if she's saying that the answer is to stand up to him, make him see. You can NOT make him see. He will never, ever, accept any form of behaviour from you that forces him to look at himself, because that is the LAST thing he wants to do.
Don't accept responsibility for his depression, anger and bad behaviour. But don't put yourself in harm's way any more than you already are. The only things you need to change about yourself are your belief in what he says is his opinion of you and your belief that he will ever hear and learn to respect you.
what you NEED to do is to leave his sorry ass!!!!
all of the years that me and my ex were together, there was never anything wrong with me-he'd always say how happy he was to have someone so sane, so together....that was 12 or so years..
then, when I finally had had enough of his abuse, and wanted to leave, I suddenly had 'childhood issues', which soon became 'I was crazy/mentally ill/f*cked in the head'....
there was NEVER anything wrong with HIM-the one who raged, lost jobs, fell into depression and couldn't get out of bed..
nope...it was all me...
I never got a flow chart though, I'm kind of jealous...*sniff*
Second, for now, work on not accepting responsibility for him and his actions .... on the inside of you....not the outside towards him. That is just a downright dangerous proposition. At your next session, ask your therapist to clarify what they meant by that statement, because if they are suggesting that you openly confront him, then you might want to consider a new therapist. Abusers only get worse with confrontation. However, if your therapist meant something else, like simply stop blaming yourself for this crap he's dishing out and the crap he refuses to do....that's an inside job and you can ask your therapist for help on how to do that.
This man cannot be fixed. And he's not going to hear you because he's already convinced there isn't a damn thing wrong with him. In fact, he's utterly convinced its you and he's even going way out of his way to try to get you to believe it, too. DO NOT BUY IT!!! He's full of crap. You are not deficient!!
VERY SPECIFIC lists of what I was expected to accomplish each day.
Flow charts, schmo charts. He needs to take them in the bathroom with him and use them for toilet paper. Or you can, that might be better....
He's never gonna get it Possum. Never. Never. Never. If you want a life without this chaos, the craziiness, without fucking FLOW charts...you gotta go. And trust me, your kid needs it worse than you do. Imagine growing up and thinking that is NORMAL??? He will...You're the only one who can save him.
and I remember trying to write down every single thing I did, from the second I got up,until he got home..just so I could 'prove' to him that I wasn't slacking..
but I was too busy to keep it up,and it wouldn't have worked anyway....
now, I don't have to prove anything to anybody, about how I spend my time-MY time..(abusers think they own everything about you, your time, your mind, your soul, your feelings...they are CRAZY!)
Your therapist has it right. He's putting it on you so that he doesn't have to look at himself. But quitting your job of trying to make him feel better will not make him take responsibility. No matter what you say or do, he will NEVER look at himself. (It's too scary!) Everything will always be someone else's fault. You happen to be a convenient target as he doesn't have to impress you in order to keep you anymore.
Standing up for yourself can be an important turning point. Because that's when they really get pissed off and the mask comes off. You are no longer compliant after trying for years to arrange everything so that he would be happy, twisting yourself into pretzels. I would say that if you stand up to him, things are likely to escalate. He will get worse and/or change his tactics.
Seems legit.
All I got was detailed text messages of how I need to leave my family behind and be his wife.