Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Today my H makes an offhanded comment to me that although I have been scared of him all our marriage, he is not a scary or intimating man. Read.. It is just your perception
I feel like my experience had just been invalidated. It leaves me thinking am I crazy, am I making it up/ overreacting?
I readily admit that I have issues with trust and often I can find myself reading things into his comments and behavior ie. some of the issues ARE mine. But I don't think I am completely nuts in my perception of him.
I read other peoples posts and think, well he doesn't treat me THAT badly compared to most
True, he is not often overtly intimidating,doesn't hit me or threaten me.
It's a bit like comparing a brick layer to a specialist surgeon. He can cut
my heart out with a few carefully wielded words, not much bleeding, can hardly see a scar. What is your problem?
He isn't physically intimidating, but he can dissolve you with his eloquent logic, make you feel small, useless, worthless
Yes, words are his weapon of choice and he is a master. He has even
said to me 'What's wrong, it's not like I hit you"
A few years back, I was so worn down and anxious from the continual criticism and fights that I lost a lot of weight. My clothes were literally falling off me. He starts to mock me and physically imitate me, ridiculing me and telling me I look like an abused woman....
It's that sort of intimidation, the kind where the person who is supposed to love you roasts you with his words or makes you look like a dipshit
Do I need to be hit?
He doesn't seem to see anything wrong with this behaviour, like it is normal or something
It just FEELS wrong, I feel controlled and defined. I wouldn't accept this from someone else so why do I start to doubt my own perceptions?
I feel like my experience had just been invalidated. It leaves me thinking am I crazy, am I making it up/ overreacting?
I readily admit that I have issues with trust and often I can find myself reading things into his comments and behavior ie. some of the issues ARE mine. But I don't think I am completely nuts in my perception of him.
I read other peoples posts and think, well he doesn't treat me THAT badly compared to most
True, he is not often overtly intimidating,doesn't hit me or threaten me.
It's a bit like comparing a brick layer to a specialist surgeon. He can cut
my heart out with a few carefully wielded words, not much bleeding, can hardly see a scar. What is your problem?
He isn't physically intimidating, but he can dissolve you with his eloquent logic, make you feel small, useless, worthless
Yes, words are his weapon of choice and he is a master. He has even
said to me 'What's wrong, it's not like I hit you"
A few years back, I was so worn down and anxious from the continual criticism and fights that I lost a lot of weight. My clothes were literally falling off me. He starts to mock me and physically imitate me, ridiculing me and telling me I look like an abused woman....
It's that sort of intimidation, the kind where the person who is supposed to love you roasts you with his words or makes you look like a dipshit
Do I need to be hit?
He doesn't seem to see anything wrong with this behaviour, like it is normal or something
It just FEELS wrong, I feel controlled and defined. I wouldn't accept this from someone else so why do I start to doubt my own perceptions?
ABUSE IS ABUSE...none of it is good and the more it goes on, the more it takes its toll on us.
When my therapist told me I was in an abusive relationship & I needed to leave, I said that I wasn't because he didn't call me names & he didn't hit me. I had no idea what he was doing was gaslighting & withholding, among other stuff.
Have you read Patricia Evans' book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship? It was a real eye opener for me. It described so many of the ex's behaviors and defined them ALL as abusive! I really had no idea. Her website is very helpful too, www.youarenotcrazy.com
Abusers don't see anything wrong w/what they do. They are totally blameless in their own minds.
It FEELS wrong because it IS wrong! When we live with abuse, we doubt our perceptions. We think we are crazy. They turn everything around on us. They make themselves look good to everyone else. So people come up to you and tell you how lucky you are to be w/this wonderful person. OMG, I can't tell you how many times that happened to me. I had to be wrong because he & everyone else kept telling me how great he was.
There is nothing wrong with you. When you start doubting yourself, stop and take a few deep breaths & remind yourself that you wouldn't & shouldn't accept this behavior from others, so you certainly shouldn't from him either.
You deserve to be treated with love and respect!
Hugs!
But the verbal and emotional abuse he is dishing out to you IS abuse...of course he says it's not. My ex loved to think that he wasn't abusive because he didn't hit us. (He didn't consider the breaking of things, kicking my chair, screaming at me 2" from my face, to be physical abuse.)
Undermining everything you do, the way you look, the way you perform in bed, the way you walk, your family, your interests...is all designed to make you doubt who you are at your very center. They find your buttons, the places that perhaps you feel a little weak, and instead of helping you learn to overcome the issues, they strengthen the weaknesses.
I love to read, so my ex ridiculed it to the point I stopped for years. Really, reading? Not many people will tell you that's bad. He attacked my family of origin and my friends, so that I wouldn't want to be with them. He told me I was fat, when I was not, so I became that way. He complained about my hair, what I said, how I walked...you name it.
To beat me down, just like yours is doing to you. To make you question yourself, to get you to believe that he is the only one who would put up with you. I worked with mine for most of my life. He used to tell me if I worked for anyone else I'd be fired. Well....now I work for someone else, I've been there for 7 years, and have been promoted...not fired.....
Please remember that everything he says or does to you, is a manipulation, with the end in his mind, of gaining power and control. It's not about love, because abusers are not capable of unconditional love, they believe the only way they can keep people close to them is to keep them afraid of leaving them. It's not love for us that drives them, it's power and control. That's all.....
So, don't buy into it. Bring it here... and we'll help you straighten it out.
big hugs!
If it feels wrong, then it is wrong. You are certainly not overreacting. As you said, you wouldn't accept that from someone else...same here, and I was changing who I was to conform to his needs. I think that's what scared me the most.
with their behavior.
You are being abused.
Abuse is abuse. It's not about
comparing types or degrees
of abuse. Abuse is abuse
and you are being abused.
What's your vision, for
the rest of your life?
Until 2 days ago, I was feeling the way that you feel-why was I even here? mine wasn't even a quarter as bad as everyone else.
Now, I got hit, and can see from the other side, that indeed, it doesn't matter how far they go-it will be minimized.
So it doesn't matter if he hits you or not. In his mind it will never be 'abuse'.
MY husband told me that he feels closer to me, and loves me even more after what happened on saturday night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
he's acting like he has to be my protector now, even though he's the one I need protection from.
He's out right now buying me a present.
I guess he wants to 'celebrate' our new closeness.
He's buying presents for the boys too.
And he used to always say to me "it's not like I hit you."
the EXACT same words your husband uses on you.
And so telling, that when you lost all that weight from the stress, he would mock you and tell you that you looked like an abused woman.
that actually really scares me.
he sounds cruel beyond belief-and a thousand times worse than my husband, who yes, did hit me, but he's never been so cruel the way yours sounds.
It's just abuse all across the board. and all terrible. whether it's getting shaken, or being mocked. it's all freaking cruel and unacceptable.
Read that Patricia Evans book that MyTrueColors recommended. I couldn't believe it when my therapist had told me that I was in an abusive relationship and suggested I read that book. Wow, my husband and his behaviors were on every page!
Stop doubting yourself and start trusting your gut instincts. Now that I have learned to trust my decisions again, I fell like a new person - or the old one that disappeared out of fear years ago:) Hang in there!
Hockey mom, I can really relate to your comments,
I used to play the piano, listen to the music I liked, do a lot of things that have just died over the years. I guess I shouldn't have let his opinions affect me so profoundly, but I did and I lost who I am.
There is so much I am scared to do with him for fear of being corrected or ridiculed. I keep who I am deep inside and don't bring it out very often. I know that a lot of this has to do with my own insecurities but I just want to be with someone whom I feel safe with.
Maybe for the moment that is just myself and my kids..
What you are doing is what you have to do to survive. For many of us, at some point survival just isn't enough. We weren't put on this earth to just survive. I believe our birthright is the right to try to create a joyful life... Joy - Full.
You're getting there.. Big hugs...