Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
My father is verbally abusive and emotionally detached. Now he's almost 80 years old. I have tried a couple times to get him to see how his treatment of me wasn't right, but of course, there's no getting past his denial and refusal to see things from my point of view. He "corrects" me because he "loves" me.
A few weeks ago we had to go to the city and he was very inattentive in his driving and I pointed it out to him in a factual way.
Last week we went to the city again with my sister and her grandson to take the boy to the children's museum and I was downright rude to him about the driving issue. I knew I shouldn't be putting him down in front of his great-grandson but the remarks just kept popping out.
When he and I were alone I was able to be civil about pointing out the issues but with an audience it was different. Any advice on how to get past this taking revenge would be appreciated.
A few weeks ago we had to go to the city and he was very inattentive in his driving and I pointed it out to him in a factual way.
Last week we went to the city again with my sister and her grandson to take the boy to the children's museum and I was downright rude to him about the driving issue. I knew I shouldn't be putting him down in front of his great-grandson but the remarks just kept popping out.
When he and I were alone I was able to be civil about pointing out the issues but with an audience it was different. Any advice on how to get past this taking revenge would be appreciated.
It's very decent of you to be feeling concerned
about being able to resist striking back.
At this point, it's not likely your father
would ever "hear" any important information,
like how his mistreatment of you wasn't right,
or even anything in the present.
Here's what I did, in the last years
of my narcissistic mother's life:
I decided that since (at that point in time),
I was beginning to put pieces of recovery
together), and the possibility of "reaching" my
mother about what she done was non-existent,
I decided I'd interact with her superficially, just
tallking about on-the-surface kinds of things
and that would be that. I brought nothing up.
I felt satisfied that I was working hard on my
recovery and that narcissistic-mother was
too damaged to be a part of that recovery.
Even, the day she turned towards me, leaning
on her walker, and point-blank asked me:
Ilene, was I a good mother?
I responded to her by saying:
Well, I turned out okay I guess, didn't I?
No. I didn't answer her with the reality
that the abuse she'd perpetrated had
left me with injuries that weren't yet,
even remotely okay.
But that information wouldn't help me
and wouldn't help her die peacefully.
That information wouldn't help empower
her to change in any way. If she'd gotten
important information when she was 25,
it might not have actually reached her,
even then. It certainly wouldn't at 85.
So I sent her to her grave, un-confronted.
Fifteen years later, I'm a great deal more
recovered and I'm content that I left her
die without the pain of the reality of what
she'd done.
That may not be the answer for everyone.
It's just how I dealt with her parental abuse
at the end of her life.