Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Well, I thought things were moving along. I felt strong in my resolve and talked about moving forward with a divorce in IC. I contacted my attorney last week and had the retainer and forms emailed, but I'm sitting on them...
Something happened yesterday and I'm feeling a mix of emotions. I don't know if it's normal or if this is some kind of sign to perhaps not move forward with the divorce??
I went out to lunch and hung out with a few girlfriends sunday from 1 - 5. My husband stayed with the kids. He didn't harass me, txt or call. He let me be and enjoy my day. I came home and kissed the kids hello and kissed him too. I just felt it at the moment because this is what married life is supposed to be like, right? Each spouse having some alone time with friends without being harassed.
Monday morning he asked why I kissed him. Said it made him feel weird. Went on to say how he needs space. I thought...from ME?? I was the one who needed space tho, because he wasn't being a partner, and rather just controlling me. I discussed again and gave examples. He said if we're not gonna try to fix things then we cant go on like this. And I understand that, I just wanted space to formulate my thoughts and feelings. I then ask him what does he love about me and why does he want to fix things? Because of the kids? Or he doesn't want the hassle of being a single dad, moving out? Or because he genuinely is in love with me? He said I put him on the spot and he couldn't answer me. I felt so hurt. It hurts to think he doesn't love me.
Now I'm feeling, what is wrong with me? I guess it shouldn't matter because I lost those feelings for him. And i know I started pulling back and not speaking up in order to avoid his passive/aggressive behaviors. But then I felt ok sunday because he let me go out without harassing me. Why did he wait so long thought? Why does he give me space now?
Last night he came home and said he truly does love me and wants to grow old with me. I said I don't think we fill each others needs. I get thats he's not good with words, and is not very affectionate - I'm used to that, he's always been that way. I told him, I was very relaxed and not stressed when he went away for 3 days on business last week. I said I like to do my thing and have freedom and be relaxed and not account for every second of the day. He promised he understands now. He's continuing with therapy, meditation now, signed up for a cooking class to be able to help more around the house.
This is long.. just getting my feeling sand thoughts out. I dont know what to do :(
How do I turn back after having all these moving forward feelings, envisioning my life without him? Am I just feeling crappy now, because he's not pestering me anymore? What is wrong with me?
Something happened yesterday and I'm feeling a mix of emotions. I don't know if it's normal or if this is some kind of sign to perhaps not move forward with the divorce??
I went out to lunch and hung out with a few girlfriends sunday from 1 - 5. My husband stayed with the kids. He didn't harass me, txt or call. He let me be and enjoy my day. I came home and kissed the kids hello and kissed him too. I just felt it at the moment because this is what married life is supposed to be like, right? Each spouse having some alone time with friends without being harassed.
Monday morning he asked why I kissed him. Said it made him feel weird. Went on to say how he needs space. I thought...from ME?? I was the one who needed space tho, because he wasn't being a partner, and rather just controlling me. I discussed again and gave examples. He said if we're not gonna try to fix things then we cant go on like this. And I understand that, I just wanted space to formulate my thoughts and feelings. I then ask him what does he love about me and why does he want to fix things? Because of the kids? Or he doesn't want the hassle of being a single dad, moving out? Or because he genuinely is in love with me? He said I put him on the spot and he couldn't answer me. I felt so hurt. It hurts to think he doesn't love me.
Now I'm feeling, what is wrong with me? I guess it shouldn't matter because I lost those feelings for him. And i know I started pulling back and not speaking up in order to avoid his passive/aggressive behaviors. But then I felt ok sunday because he let me go out without harassing me. Why did he wait so long thought? Why does he give me space now?
Last night he came home and said he truly does love me and wants to grow old with me. I said I don't think we fill each others needs. I get thats he's not good with words, and is not very affectionate - I'm used to that, he's always been that way. I told him, I was very relaxed and not stressed when he went away for 3 days on business last week. I said I like to do my thing and have freedom and be relaxed and not account for every second of the day. He promised he understands now. He's continuing with therapy, meditation now, signed up for a cooking class to be able to help more around the house.
This is long.. just getting my feeling sand thoughts out. I dont know what to do :(
How do I turn back after having all these moving forward feelings, envisioning my life without him? Am I just feeling crappy now, because he's not pestering me anymore? What is wrong with me?
I want to share with you guys, that I told him tonite. It was brutal. The talk lasted an hour and a half. My therapist is Not gonna be pleased ;)
So much for short and sweet. I had my few lines memorized like Ilene suggested. And I spit them out but was calm.
Then the boat started rocking... He pleaded w me, brought up the kids, brought up the early years, guilted me, he pulled out all stops. And I was feeling sick inside :( But every now and then he'd say something - selfish or a dig towards me, minimize the situation - and I leveled off a bit and caught my balance.
The next few months are gonna be tough. But he just went downstairs and I feel a little lighter inside.
Thank you for the strength. I hope I can pass it on to others.
Hugs,
Now that it has been said, be careful with your emotions and feelings...He will be quite pathetic, he will pull on your heart strings, and totally try to make you feel guilty...Stand firm...it's all just another abuse tactic! Listen to your gut, not your heart...Remember, he's losing his victim and you are gaining your life...
Lots and Lots of HUGS...
the crazy thing now is he's going to have to make this into a rejection of you. so, let him. let him pout and yell and turn it a thousand different ways and just hold on and wear safety goggles. you can explain whats really going on to the kids later, for now let him think whatever he needs to.
and then post here and we'll make fun of him behind his back.
you are a superstar!
Thanks for the smiles
We get disappointed or thrown for a loop when we expect an abuser to respond to us as though they have the same goals as we do. Their goal is to win, while someone who is not abusive has mutuality as a goal.
Your feelings are all normal.
His actions at this point
are all
TOTALLY PREDICTABLE.
He's an abuser who knows
he's about to lose his victim.
A couple questions:
[1] Have you done my
Clarifying Index Card exercise?
[2] If you've done the exercise,
how tall is the stack of cards?
[3] If his recent bits of
"improvement"
ultimately turn out to be
manipulations based on
a desperate attempt to
keep from losing his victim,
and once you're recaptured,
the abusive actions returned,
would you be okay, spending
the rest of your life, living with
him?
If you haven't documented
his abuse, to this point,
and if you want to give
him a chance to demonstrate
that he can actually suddenly
change from being abusive
to being non-abusive, then
definitely, you should consider
postponing going forward with
the divorce.
If this is the route you take,
before going down that road
decide for yourself what you
will do if/when the abuse
resumes.
Divorcing is not an emergency
situation. You can postpone it
or ultimately decide not to. You
don't have to decide today. You
don't have to decide tomorrow.
But, please DO decide
whether you will tolerate
being abused or not. If
not, then know within
yourself that the next
time you encounter
his disrespect, you'll
re-activate your plans
and proceed with the
divorce.
Please take good care!
Please don't beat yourself up for being caught by his manipulations, even when we here can see them so clearly. The reason we can see them so clearly is because they are not aimed at us. We can see them side on, where they present a much bigger, much more obvious face.
And yes, be prepared now for a range of responses, from anger, to sadness and guilt, to blame shifting and projection, to indifference, to pretending the discussion never happened and making plans for the future. He may even shift between the various possibilities within the one conversation at times (my ex did - it was ridiculous, I'd tell him I wanted him to leave at which point he'd tell me he'd already decided the marriage was over some time ago and then comment on the renovations "we" should do to my house).
You can do this.