Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
This is such a little thing, in light of all the other crap I (and everyone else on here!) puts up with on a daily basis, but for some reason, THIS behavior gets my heart racing and my blood boiling more than most others. I cannot even fathom why, but damn I'm sitting here shaking with irritation right now and just had to vent!
I'm off work today as Friday is ALWAYS my day off--for the past 3 years. I work weekends, and YES even I am entitled to a day off. (Although, day off is such a relative term, since this is the only day I have to do laundry, clean house, go to the dump, and do the shopping etc). Yet, every single week I go through this interrogation process of "Are you off tomorrow? What are your plans for the day?" On and on; then he calls me ALL freaking day long so I cannot possibly actually get anything done! If I don't sit on the phone with him (saying absolutely nothing most of the time, unless we have been "arguing" at which time I have to listen to the lecture about why I was so wrong and he was so right), then I don't care about him, I'm being selfish, I'm up to something, oh the list of my faults could fill an encyclopedia at this point anyway.
Now, this week he knows that I have no access to my money until my new debit card comes in. We ALREADY DISCUSSED LAST NIGHT THAT I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO DO THE SHOPPING, OR INDEED GO ANYWHERE BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE THE GAS TO DO SO! Yet, I come out of the bathroom at 7:02 AM and my phone is ringing. He is distraught because apparently he has been trying to call me and because I didn't keep my phone on me while I was taking our girls to the bus, I didn't know.
Him: 'What did you go back to sleep?"
Me: "No, I just got back from taking the girls to the bus and went to the bathroom."
Him: "Oh, why didn't you answer when I called you before?"
Me: "Ummmm....because I just got back from taking the girls to the bus and went to the bathroom."
Him: "Oh so why are you ignoring me?"
Me: "Ummmm...I wasn't ignoring you; I didn't have my phone on me and I JUST GOT BACK FROM TAKING THE GIRLS TO THE BUS AND USING THE BATHROOM."
Him: "Oh, so were you going to call me back or something?"
Me: "I would have when I realized that you had called."
Him: "So, why didn't you call me to let me know you were taking the girls to the bus and using the bathroom? And, what are you planning for today? You never tell me anything."
Me: "I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were thinking anything would be different this morning from every other morning, and we discussed last night that I won't be able to do anything other than clean today because I cannot access my money."
Him: "Oh, so what are you going to do today?"
Me: I got nothing.......I really just cannot say anything.
So, anyway, this ridiculous circular conversation goes on for about 10 minutes, and now I am getting antsy. I don't feel like sitting on the phone rehashing any of what has just been said over and over and over again; and I don't understand WHY on earth this goes on every single time I actually have the possibility of a few minutes to myself. It drives me insane!!!!
In reality, it is just a small thing; no big deal, but damn it I feel like a two year old that may have the thought of misbehaving in my head and my daddy has to keep me in line by calling me fifty times during the day. (and this is no exaggeration unfortunately; he literally calls me so many times during the day when I am off that I will spend the majority of my day sitting on the phone; neither of us saying much of anything; but afraid to hang up because it becomes just more ammunition for why I am such a horrible, uncaring wife to him! I can't win!
I'm off work today as Friday is ALWAYS my day off--for the past 3 years. I work weekends, and YES even I am entitled to a day off. (Although, day off is such a relative term, since this is the only day I have to do laundry, clean house, go to the dump, and do the shopping etc). Yet, every single week I go through this interrogation process of "Are you off tomorrow? What are your plans for the day?" On and on; then he calls me ALL freaking day long so I cannot possibly actually get anything done! If I don't sit on the phone with him (saying absolutely nothing most of the time, unless we have been "arguing" at which time I have to listen to the lecture about why I was so wrong and he was so right), then I don't care about him, I'm being selfish, I'm up to something, oh the list of my faults could fill an encyclopedia at this point anyway.
Now, this week he knows that I have no access to my money until my new debit card comes in. We ALREADY DISCUSSED LAST NIGHT THAT I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO DO THE SHOPPING, OR INDEED GO ANYWHERE BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE THE GAS TO DO SO! Yet, I come out of the bathroom at 7:02 AM and my phone is ringing. He is distraught because apparently he has been trying to call me and because I didn't keep my phone on me while I was taking our girls to the bus, I didn't know.
Him: 'What did you go back to sleep?"
Me: "No, I just got back from taking the girls to the bus and went to the bathroom."
Him: "Oh, why didn't you answer when I called you before?"
Me: "Ummmm....because I just got back from taking the girls to the bus and went to the bathroom."
Him: "Oh so why are you ignoring me?"
Me: "Ummmm...I wasn't ignoring you; I didn't have my phone on me and I JUST GOT BACK FROM TAKING THE GIRLS TO THE BUS AND USING THE BATHROOM."
Him: "Oh, so were you going to call me back or something?"
Me: "I would have when I realized that you had called."
Him: "So, why didn't you call me to let me know you were taking the girls to the bus and using the bathroom? And, what are you planning for today? You never tell me anything."
Me: "I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were thinking anything would be different this morning from every other morning, and we discussed last night that I won't be able to do anything other than clean today because I cannot access my money."
Him: "Oh, so what are you going to do today?"
Me: I got nothing.......I really just cannot say anything.
So, anyway, this ridiculous circular conversation goes on for about 10 minutes, and now I am getting antsy. I don't feel like sitting on the phone rehashing any of what has just been said over and over and over again; and I don't understand WHY on earth this goes on every single time I actually have the possibility of a few minutes to myself. It drives me insane!!!!
In reality, it is just a small thing; no big deal, but damn it I feel like a two year old that may have the thought of misbehaving in my head and my daddy has to keep me in line by calling me fifty times during the day. (and this is no exaggeration unfortunately; he literally calls me so many times during the day when I am off that I will spend the majority of my day sitting on the phone; neither of us saying much of anything; but afraid to hang up because it becomes just more ammunition for why I am such a horrible, uncaring wife to him! I can't win!
It is ALL ABOUT
CONTROL and
MANIPULATION.
He has successfully
made you feel like
two year-old.
You're right.
You will
NEVER WIN
until the day
that you get
SAFELY FREE.
On that day,
you will have
RECLAIMED YOUR LIFE.
Sending you love
and prayers for
that day to arrive
as soon as possible.
The only other more annoying thing I got a lot would be him actually promising TO call and never doing so. Because of his entitled belief that he shouldn't call others; they should call him! Whenever he calls someone, they get like two seconds to answer as well, so if they can't reach the phone by then they're in trouble.
It seems like it`s either 24/7 surveillance or total ignorance with them, depending on which way the wind is blowing...
We get the "Grrrr!" :) Huge hugs xxx
The funny part is once we were back together... he was working 12-14 hours a day (which my theory was he was avoiding his family duties and preferred to work) and I would send him texts all day long and he would not call or text but maybe once. But if he called me and I wasn't right next to my phone (like... in the bathroom like you!) then it was a huge problem.
I am so glad I am out. The wounds are still fresh but I am just now starting to see how much easier my life is without him hanging around treating me like a child all the time. I am starting to feel the joys of true indepedence!
And Ilene, I know that getting away is my end goal. I realize I can never be safe and happy until he is a distant memory (or nightmare as I'm sure will be the case). You hit the nail on the head; I used to think his incessant calling and getting so disturbed if I didn't call him was insecurity, but I do realize it is about control somewhere in my mind:) The most telling aspect is that he insists I call him the minute I get to work and when I'm leaving (says it's because he worries about me and needs to know I am safe, HA!). I have tried to "rebel" by not calling, so he calls me at work and treats me to a rant about what am I trying to hide; who was I talking to on the phone that I couldn't call him. It is humiliating because my coworkers are sitting there looking like "HUH?" listening to me trying to explain (quietly) why I couldn't call him.
Ugghhh..sorry, this reply turned into another rant! Thanks guys; I've really missed you all!!
Warm hugs you are def not alone
OMG, I so relate to you, you have no idea. This is the kind of bullshit I would deal with it was soooo mentally abusive. It is mental abuse. He is constantly going on and on and on about nothing, in the meantime your not getting your things done, because he sabotages your time to his clock. That's BS. Maybe I'm a dingbat and I didn't read it well, but are ya'll living together???
I feel for you and all I can say is I'm sorry, this is so abusive, it's not a little thing.
There is a really good drama, written by Ibsen, a 19th century Norwegian writer. It is really short, I bet you can read it in 2 nights, the title is "The Dollhouse". And it is about a wife who finally rebels against this kind of control and being treated like a little doll. Quite amazing piece of literature, especially if you consider that it was written by a 19th century guy.
I actually made my husband read that the first time I wanted to leave him and it helped him understand some things.
had gone straight to reading about domestic abuse.
If I went to the grocery store, first I would check in, "I'm going to the store, do you need anything?" He'd always say, "No". Then while I'd be at the store, my phone would always ring. Sometimes I'd be busy in the checkout line, so I wouldn't be able to answer, or even if I did, it would be too late to fulfill his (B.S.) request. Then when I got home, he'd say, "You never answer your f***ing phone!"
The last few years we were together, rather than try to reason with him (like you, explaining that I was on the toilet and didn't bring my phone with me for a few seconds), I would bring my son's cell phone with me when I went out, in case of emergency, and
I would leave my own phone displayed prominently on the kitchen counter, so my husband could listen to himself calling me. I would have to resort to "forgetting" my phone, basically playing the same sort of manipulative mind games my husband was playing. It was
insane.
I would get called at work repeatedly, and it would always be something ridiculous, like some trivia question from the 80s, or to ask for the phone number of a neighbor that he already had stored
in his cell phone, had he bothered to look it up. He would get annoyed if I didn't answer my phone at my desk, as if my job was to take his calls and answer his questions, and not to get any actual work done.
So yes, I totally get it! And I probably didn't have it as bad as you...he wasn't calling anywhere near 50 times per day, but sometimes around 5 times. And yes, I still get annoyed when I think about it. You are not being petty. It is abuse. I ended up getting an order of protection when I filed for divorce, and once the OP was lifted, he was back to checking up on me, making up excuses to call me at work just to make sure I was there. I changed my work number then, and wished I had done it years earlier,
since he never had a legitimate reason to be calling me there, just made-up B.S. designed to control me. I agree your decision to get out. Big hugs!
I had other plans for that day, and he had not exactly expressed these plans to me prior to that morning, during one of his phone calls. I was, at the time, in the middle of doing something else in the house. But....to save the argument, I said "okay, where's the money?" He lost it on me. Screaming, calling me every kind of worthless piece of crap he could invent. Turns out, not only was I to do all of this, I was to PAY FOR IT TOO!!! When I tried, very calmly, to tell him that I didn't have the money to pay for HIS tags on ANOTHER vehicle he didn't need, he then insisted I drive up the road to meet him since I was so useless and irresponsible with money (ooh....just thinking about this day has my blood boiling again!!) Mind you, he wasn't just ten or fifteen minutes up the road, but about an hour away. So...I was to drop what I was doing, drive an hour out of my way, then go stand in the mva to get his freaking tags because he couldn't be bothered to do it for himself.
After all of this, I was still going to do it to save the battle I knew was coming, until he calls again and starts screaming at me that I am not leaving fast enough (silly me, I stopped to get dressed before I left the house), after all he is a busy man with things to do, he can't sit around all damn day waiting on me. I lost it at this point and this became a fight that lasted days in our house. Neither of us willing to give in; I didn't care how much he raged and threw things, I was not giving in to his tyranny at this point. Eventually he just went and got them on his own (although somehow he still manages to put everything in my name, even when I'm not there).
The phone call thing-yes, yes, yes, it's all about control, control, control-and making you feel incompetent and helpless, like a child-and making your life about him and his needs. It was the only sign of overt abuse my family got to witness-because if I was out with them and he called and I missed the call when I called him back they could hear him screaming at me even with the phone up to my ear for daring to have missed his call.
And the van thing-SO like my ex! He would make all these financial decisions either behind my back or disregarding what we'd agreed on that would get us in hot water-and then because he was stressed about these stupid choices I'd get the rages. He could never follow my advice because if I had an ounce of brains in my head somehow that made him stupid. Can't explain it-but that is what he seemed to think.
The first time I left him was after being screamed at on the phone on my way home from work. I had been laid off from a high paying job, and we only had his income, which was decent but not enough to pay the bills he wracked up (some of which I didn't even know about). I had gotten another job but it paid commission (insurance). He meanwhile had quit his job to go into business for himself-because being the true narcissist he is his decent paying job was so unappreciated for the amazing super genius that he is-and he did this after discussing it with me and agreeing he WOULDN'T start this own business right then. And yet-HE'S screaming and raging at ME because MY paycheck was too low?!?! I was furious! Went home, packed a few things-didn't say a word to a panicked abuser, grabbed my daughter and left. Went to my parents house. That was the first time I tried to leave.
You think you are pissed at him now-wait till you get out and the angry you've been repressing gets out because you won't be in survival mode anymore.
I stopped driving it after our last battle royale, just take a chance driving mine, and he's gonna be really pissed off but I have NO intentions of paying the car payment. He wants to build his credit does he (yep that's why he chose it and I could have no parts in it), we'll he can damn well take responsibility for it!