Try to breathe. Don't look at your husband. Focus on the issues--write down the main points ahead of time because you may not be thinking very clearly. And take meds if you have them! (I took Xanax when I went to court against mine--and it helped!) You will be okay!

Let your attorney do everything for you. He/she is there to protect you! I always felt so much more at ease when we went to court and my attorney was with me.

Big giant hugs! Wear sexy undies :) feel like one hot mama and walk with ur head up. And remember we are with u in spirit.

not good advice but if it were me knowing the person I am I'd be there with a big freakin smirk on my face! Like ha ha I'm taking half asshole.

Like I said, not good advice but that's exactly what i would be doing.

I was fit to be tied. Shaking so hard that I had to sit on my hands. I was dressed like I was a prima donna. Head held up high, and a smile like a snake ready to bite. At first I did not make eye contact. But then, I stared right at him. His mommy was there too. I held that stare and they were the ones that looked away. Afterwards, I crashed. Cried so hard that I had to pull over. Do not get into any verbal confrontation with him. If he does say anything, just smile, giggle and slowly turn around and walk away. Head held up high. Hugs you will be fine

Something so simple and yet so importantbreathing :) Mine is crazy erratic right now. I guess the crying doesn't help.

I made a list, in fact over the last year I have made dozens of lists, documenting everything. I'm in list overload :(

I have a phone conference with my attorney soon, prior to our meeting.

I am relived to hear you guys say to let the attorney do the talking. PHEW! I thought I would have to talk. I think if I open my mouth I may throw up. I hope he does all the talking.

I just want whats best for the girls i don't care about anything else. I'm so concerned that he'll fight for more time with them and the shuffling around will break my heart for them.

I am really trying to stay focused and keep all emotion out of this. Treat it like a business deal sort of.

And I have to stop thinking things like in a few hours I'll be sitting in a room fighting against the person that was supposed to be on my side for life :(

Not, I don`t have anything to add except massive (((HUGS)))

We are all with you xxx

Group hug! !

Well that horrible lying vindictive POS showed his true colors today. It was a horrible mtg. I am wiped out.

Knuckle - I can totally relate to your experience. I was inconsolable on the ride home. Furious sad sick disgusted. Took me forever to pull myself together to go home to my girls. I can't stand the site of him.

And to think all the years I stood by him. Defended him. Supported him financially, emotionally. It disgusts me!!

He sat there at one point and said he doesn't want this divorce. He still loves me but he knows I don't love him anymore.

Wtf?!? That is NOT. Love!!!

I'm beyond words.

23 years of my life.

Oh, I'm sorry it turned out so rough for you and that he was such a dick, but you knew that already! I am pretty sure my stbx would do the same sort of manipulative crap, I haven't gotten there yet.
Were you able to settle anything? Did you get anything you wanted?
What's a POS?
oh, piece of ships! got it!
pile of sharks
putrid odd snake
pissed off spouse
psychopath of sociopaths?

I am so sorry sweety! I hope you called people to get some support when u needed it. I'm sure mine would have been right there too. Gotta make themselves out to be the longsuffering willing to do whatever it takes to make it work bullcrappers. HA. How bout acting like a friggin growing up and putting ur wifes feelings first for one mtg? No? Its still all about u and how u feel? But we should feel sorry for u cuz u still love ur wife and wanna "fix it". Give me a break!!
He's a jerk. Dust off ur shoes. Hold ur head up hug ur girls. And move on to whatever the next step has to be (maybe with a xanax perscription until this is all done) geez what a piece of work

Big giant supportive hugs
Now go take a warm bubble bath young lady! (Jk... well kinda u knw wht I mean ;)

notmyself,

I am so sorry! What a terrible experience! Such intense pain and finality.

I've never told you guys my divorce story and I think it relates, so I hope it doesn't seem like I'm hijacking the post.

After 15 years I was in the numb, "learned helplessness" trapped point in my abusive marriage. It was somehow the worse part, because I was an empty shell. I was a husk. I was nothing. But I was contemplating-I wanted to leave but I had no clue how to do it or faith that could-I already tried twice and got sucked back in and at those times I was in a stronger place than I was then. At the same time I finally "got it" that I could either leave, or be miserable for the rest of my life-there was no tolerating it or fixing it or anything else. But I had no plan-it didn't even dawn on me I was being abused. I had no idea about emotional abuse or anything-I was ignorant of it so it never occurred to me to get help.

Even though I had no plan, my ex still somehow knew what I was thinking. I have no idea how, but he went into the "placating" thing abusers do when they know you've almost reached the end of your rope. So when I said I wanted to go to a friend's wedding in my home state (which inwardly I thought I could get advise and formulate a plan without the "fog" I was always in around my then-husband) he refused to give me the money and forbid me to go. My friend bought the airline ticket and I informed him I WAS GOING. He used every abuser tacit in the book to keep from going-but I went.

I planned on being there a week and started talking over strategy with this friend. She and her fiance were both working at the time, and so they arranged for a friend of theirs to take me around town one day. I also talked to him about my situation. Now this friend of theirs, who I had never met (and who couldn't have been less interested in me since he was GAY) got a call from my ex-who in typical abuser fashion was checking all the phone numbers of calls I'd made and was checking up on me. When this guy got an irate, accusatory call from my then husband, thinking he was coming to my rescue and defending me, he told my ex "You are a bastard, and she'd going to divorce your ass!"

Needless to say the next thing I know I get a barrage of screaming, raging phone calls from my then-husband which I was totally unprepared for. Trying to handle it the way I'd been advise by well meaning friends who are used to dealing with non-abusers I told my ex that I would talk to him when he could talk to me without screaming. Of course, that was not possible. I must have started 10 conversations and hung up 10 times. Finally silence for about 24 hours, which I thought was him cooling down-idiotically.

The next phone call I got from him was stating that he had started divorce proceedings and he had petition for emergency temporary custody due to abandonment and he was going for full custody. He then warned me he was shutting off my phone-had cut off my credit cards, taken me off the bank accounts, changed the locks on the doors and dropped off my personal belongings at my parents house (which cutting off my access to community property was illegal and also would have required forging my signature on documents).

This was my worst nightmare come true and I had no plan what-so-ever to deal with it. No job, no money, no place to stay, not even a friggin working cell phone. And you know what? For the first time in YEARS-I got mad. I was furious. I was livid. The thing that made me mad-trying to take away my daughter!

In a million years I never expected that no matter how I pictured our divorce playing out-and at that time I NEVER would have done the same thing to him. I was the primary care giver for our daughter-he did not know the names of her friends, the name of her PCP, he didn't know at what age she started to walk or said her first word. My motherhood was never in question-and the fact that he could do such a thing to spite me was not only a lightning bolt of insight into who he really was it gave me the righteous anger to say-YOU WANT A DIVORCE-YOU GOT IT BUDDY! and never look back. Completely gone was the guilt, the mourning of a dream, the self doubt-I was motivated! I thought, you cut off all access to my daughter, to my ability to get home, to contact anyone on a vacation which was planned and everyone knew was I was and you are trying to sell this garbage that I abandoned my daughter in order to try and get custody? It was inconceivable, but it was happening.

That narc piece of crap did the same thing when I showed up for divorce court. He looked contrite, and devastated, and said "I don't want a divorced-I love my wife." Blah, blah, blah-it was disgusting. And I realized he didn't want a divorce-he did that whole stunt to get me back in line. To get me to beg for him back, to apologize on bended knee and swear to be a good wife from then on. But it backfired on him big time, and I looked at the judge and I said "I want to proceed with the divorce." Without blinking an eye. And on some level, to some shade I'm still just as mad. Maybe even more, since I now understand what abuse is, and what it's done to me long-term.

The moral of the story is, I thank god I got mad and stayed mad. It has actually benefited me a lot through the divorce process. I highly recommend some healthy, controlled, righteous anger.

Your life, although it doesn't feel like it today-is going to get better, and better and better now that the disease has been cut out from it. Now you can start to heal.

Big hugs!!!!

Thank you for all the support. This site is a huge help to me.

Cinaflower - I'm so sorry for what you are going thru. You've been married a long time too and like me, seem to be realizing how poorly you've been treated. It's hard. It's challenging. But you need to decide if you want to suffer for the rest of your life or bust your ass trying to get out of an unhealthy marriage and gaining control of your life back. It's incredibly hard when their are children involved, but that's giving me the push I need. It's bad enough he chipped away at me for 2 decades. I will not let him ruin our girls.

Cant74deal - I appreciate you sharing your story. I'm so very sorry what you went through. It's beyond horrible when they go after our children. And it's blatantly clear they are doing it to spite us... Not because they are "torturered if they only see their kids 1 night during the week" ( to quote my POS stbx).

What he put you through must have been incredibly painful. It's sickening. :(((
And I'll tell you, the hatred and disgust I felt towards him when he claimed "he doesn't want the divorce, still loves me, but knows I don't love him anymore". I wanted to throw up. So effin phoney. I couldn't even look at him. And his atty sat with this smug look on his face like I was the bad guy?!?!

Now I'm struggling to write up a proposal. I don't want to offer him the ridiculous demands he wants. I'm modifying. But scared that he'll force the issue and if he and I can't agree then the courts will get involved and that would b way too traumatic for my girls.

It's insane to hafta try and be nice to him during this time, because "you get more flies w honey". It's bad enough he's still living here. Now I hafta phoney things up and be nice to him so as not to piss him off and hope he agrees to my settlement proposal.

God help us all ...

You are so inspiring to me! You've kept your whits about you during some INCREDIBLY difficult times that most people never have to deal with EVER! I hope some part of you recognizes, despite what I know abuse does to one's self worth, how amazing you are and the grace, poise and dignity you have demonstrated through this nightmare-so you can build on that once you are gotten all the way through this!