The first time I left my ex I did it while he was at home - MISTAKE!!

He attacked me physically for the first time (before this he had punched me in the arm one time) but this was the first very threatening physical attack.

I left him 3 more times and each of these times I did it while he was at work.

He actually had the nerve to say - 'I don't understand why you feel you have to sneak away.'

I totally understand your feelings of cowardice and guilt - but those feeling are much better to have then the feeling of being beat up or even the feeling of being in a coffin... it does happen.

Be safe.

BTW - you feel guilty because you are more concerned about his feelings than yours. You are a kind and compassionate person and you don't like to hurt people.

But I guarantee you that you will feel guilty whether you leave while he is there or not there.

Start learning to care about your feelings more than his as you start to detach from him over the next months before you leave.

Abuse is cowardly

not escaping from it.

Hopetobef: I don't see it as cowardly, I see it as self-presevation. The most dangerous time for the victim is when the abuser realises she's leaving and he's losing control.

Consider yourself, not your husband.

Hope,

it is best to leave if you are unsafe and you have to go according to your needs not his. You feel guilty because we are brainwashed to put their issues ahead of our own. Go while he's gone and don't leave a forwarding address. Let your daughter know and keep it between you and her. Now that's just my opinion but that is what I did and I never looked back. No regrets either.

If you stay you can be beaten down to the point of succumbing to his control. Do what's best for you. Good luck to you hon.

Karasal

Studies show that in abusive situations, it is always better to leave and not confront your abuser on the way out the door. this is a good way to end up dead or severly beaten. Leave while he is gone. It is the safest thing to do and the one that is recommended by abuse hotlines.

You feel guilty because you are a good, compassionate person. Leaving without him there is not cowardly at all, it's the safe thing to do. I agree with Ilene, HE is the coward!

I'm with everyone else. It's not cowardly or decietful you are trusting your gut and ensuring that you and your daughter are safe.

Take care and keep us posted.

Thank you all for your supportive replies. I feel much better. I know I will still have difficulty with it because I suppose I am programmed to put his feelings and needs before mine. Even though it bothers me tremendously to cause anyone emotional pain, I have to remember the pain he has caused me for years without guilt or remorse!!!!

I don't have anything to add other than my agreement with the others. Do what will keep you safe. It's not like you will be able to have a calm and happy conversation with him, where he admits all his wrongdoings, understands why you are leaving and wishes you well.

You owe him no explanations, you owe him nothing, you have given enough. You owe it to yourself to get out safely.

I agree with the others too. I was going to leave mine while he was at work but we didnt get finished in time. It was VERY scary! I called the police because of the threat of violence. The officer talked with each of us independantly and basically help him talk me into staying. After he had thrown most of my things breaking them off the truck. He actually said the word I'm sorry youre right for feeling the way you do I promise I will change. Blah Blah Blah! Wish I wouldve kept going and never turned back. Guilt did me in that time and this last time. Please don't fall into that trap. Leave while he is gone and you know for sure he won't catch you ! You can do it! Take care of you! hugs

There is a reason why you need to leave while he is at work. Your scared of him. He may have not been physical yet but you are afraid he will be.
I know how you feel about leaving like that. I left in the middle of the nite with my xhusband (not current ass) while he was asleep. We do what we feel we need to do to protect ourselves.
I may not be making sense and i am sorry if i dont. I just wanted to say that there is nothing wrong with leaving while he is at work if your scared....keep yourself safe... thats first and foremost hun.

guilt is part of the package. all sorts of negative self derogatory emotions are. leaving when he is gone is SMART. The only way you will know is if you leave when he is there and he goes crazy on you. No need for that. It is important to be safe. Good luck