Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
So for the past few months I have finally found the strength to want out of the relationship for real. On May 19th, I went no contact once and for all. I see him. I really see him for what he is and I'm angry with myself for ever allowing so many chances to him and so many broken promises. He contacted our son after 20 days via text. No hello to, no how are you, not even happy belated birthday to him. He just asked where I was and to ask me if he could borrow money. This dude is so lame! I made the decision to block him from calling or texting my son immediately. He doesn't care about him anyway and never will. My son is perfectly fine with it and I think he's happy that I came to his rescue. My son is afraid of him I think but tries to keep the peace. He told my son that we are going to make him die when he texted him. Sick shit. I am no longer afraid of him. I refuse to be. I don't want him in my life and I will never break no contact because I really do despise him. Fast forward -- for the past week or so, I can't stop reading up on the sociopaths behavior and thinking of all the horrible things he did to me. I see it so clear now and I'm mad as hell. I have plans for me and my son. Real plans to live a happy healthy life. There are so many things I want to do. The problem is I have no ambition to do any of it. I just keep reading about him the sociopath and reflecting on my pain. It's like an obsession for me right now. I prayed all the way to work today. I just want god to take this chain off of me completely. I don't I want to care, I don't want to not care, I JUST DONT! I just want to live my life and I want to succeed for me and my son. He's taking up too much space in my head, even though it's negative. I just want to be free from him period. Any words of encouragement from those who truly understand would be appreciated. Thanks DS Friends! Thanks for letting me vent.
What you describe is unfortunately the way it works for victims of sociopaths. They have re-arranged our thinking patterns into an obsessional pattern. They did it by injecting fearful circumstances into our lives and causing those circumstances to repeat until we became habituated to fear of regular and inevitable pain. The pain could be caused by lies, betrayals, disappointments, sabotages, financial disasters and many other negative circumstances, but they were regular and we developed a pattern of anticipating pain.
Now, that he is gone, it is going to take a while to re-establish a normal thinking pattern. Chemicals are firing in your brain according to the pattern he created in you via his negative impacts.
I am on my second trip through Hell so I can assure you that you will get better. You will heal. You will be normal again.
to, every moment possible,
practice SELF-CARE.
And ---- as when we're
meditating and we find
ourself submerged in
a thought (any thought),
say to yourself. . . .. . .
"Oh. A thought."
And then envision
sweeping that thought
into a dust pan and
tossing it. . . . . . .
envision that thought
as a turd in a toilet
bowl, and flush it.
Then think something
else, or engage in
active self-care.
Sending you hugs
and a boatload of
healing prayers.
He did a number on my brain...but my brain is getting better!!!! I am a lot clearer and stronger! I am not a victim anymore .... I am a survivor..
TK -- we will get through this. They did a number on our brains, but the gift is that we are learning and correcting. They have to live with themselves until the day they die. That's torture!
I've said it before and I'll say it again.... Of all the online boards, this DS board is my favorite and played such a huge part in my healing! I feel so safe here and I receive everything wholeheartedly! Xoxo
I think that it takes time to heal and some may suffer from trauma as well. Be patient with yourself. Take it hour by hour if you can, if you don't feel like dealing with things then don't, no pressure, you've already been thru a lot. Continue to educate yourself, it still hurts and makes you pissed off, I'm sure. Let time heal your wounds. I just wanted to reach out.