Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.

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Robfed 01/26/2008

Ok, so the last few days I have been really feeling crappy about my break up with my emotionally abusive ex boyfriend. I started to really feel sad and miss him. Just this underlying feeling in my gut that somehow I will never be happy again, and that he is fine. when I go on my email I can see when he is on his, and I keep seeing him on there and it just hurts. But yet I can't delete him from my account, it's like my one last bit of power I have left (so weird). Anyways, I went to a therapist yesterday and now I feel even worse. She really didn't focus too much on him, more on me which I understand. But she asked me about my relationship history and focused on the only other serious relationship I have had. He was a wonderful person and treated me amazing. I took advantage of it and used him, whenever me and the abusive one would break up, I wold go running to him because he was nice and treated me like a human being. He supported me and believed in me and I just felt safe. Well, she told me that I am abusive towards him. She may be right but now I have all these feelings of hatred towards myself. Like my ex would always tell me what a bad person I am, how everything was my fault, that I made everything up (the issue of him not treating me right), that everything was my fault because of the way I am, and always highlighted my short comings. Now I feel like he was right. Maybe it was me the whole time. Now I am starting to have the "what if's" too. What if I went to Russia (where he lives 9 mts out of the year and wanted me to move), maybe he would have been different.
I have always had a problem with men and male attention. I grew up with an emotionally dead father that I fully beilieved for most of my life didn't like me. I never got any attention or love from him and I think I am constantly trying to seek it out. My ex was perfect because it was a constant attempt to get his love, attention, approval, etc. Needless to say I never got it. I went to this therapist so I could work on my faults and fix them. I don't want to go back to my ex, I don't want to be miserable and pine over him the rest of my life, I don't want to look for men for approval and to define myself. But now I feel like I'm a horrible person and there is no hope for me. Like I deserve no one, cuz either I'm being mistreated or I'm mistreating someone else. I just feel horrible and I know that will translate into me blaming myself for the way my ex treated me. Hell, I couldn't even understand that I was being emotionally abused, I'm still a little unclear. Now I feel like he is right..he was better off with out me!! The therapist even said, "you saw his good side, his loving side, that he was a good person, but he had an unhealthy side. You know that your a good person, but you have an unhealthy side too. And your two unhealthy sides make for a toxic cocktail." So does that mean he wasn't abusive?? Does that mean that "our unhealthy sides" made the relationship unhealthy? So some of it was my fault? Like if he finds someone healthy he will be happy and the abuse and control will end? I'm so confused now. I was feeling so good, talking to people on here and looking up info on emotional abuse. I felt like I was right. What he was doing was wrong, he wasn;t going to change, and I had made the right decision. Knowing all that made me feel like I couldn't go back or blame myself. Now I don't know what to think. Any comments or advice would be so helpful. Thank you.

bekiboop 01/26/2008

It is so wierd coz we are so much alike.I too have just ended my abusive relationship but the one before i think i took advantage.Where you are holding onto the email address im holding onto his mobile number and have even saved all the messages he has sent telling me he loves me!! why,dont know?i suppose coz i feel better when i have some bloke loving and wanting me!!I cant tell you if the relationship was really abusive as it doesnt say enough,but obviously it wasnt a healthy one for you to be in.
if you ever want to chat let me know and id be happy to!! my addys are on my profile somewhere

Robfed 01/26/2008

If you want the whole story you can check out my journal entries. If you have the time. It's explained in there. Thank you for your support.

deleted_user 01/26/2008

Am i right that you have written before (the russia move thing twigged me) a few months ago?

Your therapist is quite right, in my opinion, regarding the 2 of you having very unhealthy sides. each relationship has a dynamic that has 2 people participating in that dynamic. Each of you are reenacting or trying to solve issues from the past.

Having been there and done that, myself, it comes as no surprise to me how we women who have been in such unhealthy relationships seem to think in terms of such black and white paradigms...all or nothing...all blame and all fault. I also tortured myself for many years wondering why he behaved in the way that he did and how could i have been different...was it my "fault"?

That perspective is a waste of time and energy. I am glad you are seeing a therapist. You need to stop worrying about the why's and wherefores of this ugly relationship.

Work toward loving yourself enough that your trust in yourself will recognize potentially unhealthy relationships before they begin.

deleted_user 01/26/2008

sometimes all this means we really really just have to spend time with ourselves, stop using other people to make us feel better about ourselves. can you do that? commit to spending time with only you??? you are going to keep having these abusive relationships if you do not get to the bottom of your own issues. be kinder to yourself too... stop beating yourself up. not going to get you anywhere. just resolve to learn from your past mistakes and make a game plan for the next few months...where you want to see yourself 6 months from now...and what you have to do to get there. make a plan, set a goal, getting going on you, stay focused on YOU. YOU are worth the effort.

deleted_user 01/27/2008

Bozette,

nice post. thank you for sharing that.

hey, you ARE a spot of sunshine, you know?

love! kristen

deleted_user 01/27/2008

No that does not mean he isn't abusive!!! I was in a very similar situation. I had a great counselor who I worked with for 5 years. She used to say "_____ is a good man" OMG it used to make me furious!!! I wanted to kill her... Over time I came to understand that what she was doing was trying to get me to 1) not hate him but the disease 2) see him as a human being with faults and issues rather than this super evil monster, which was designed to help me be less afraid and less intimidated by him. It took the steam out of his power and control balloon. so to speak. and 3) help me to refocus my attention on myself. It worked. Today i can say "_____ really is a good man" "he has a lot of gifts that I love" "He is an amazing musician and Artist" "He has a big heart" "I love the way he laughs" but it is just so sad that he has all these other issues that he is not able to see and work on and move forward with his life and realize his gifts. Such a waste because he is a good man. That is so freeing i can't tell you... He is not this God who i turn my power over to anymore. He's simply a man with a lot of problems. Thats it. Just like your just a human being too with flaws. None of us are perfect and cannot be responsible for other peoples happiness or realities. It takes 2 to make the state of a relationship happen. You know the "2 to dance" deal? That does not mean he's abusive and your abusive or that because you have an unhealthy side you caused him to be the way he is or caused his unhappiness. In my mind that means An abuser and a codependent. He can't take your power if you don't give it. He can't wipe his feet on you if your not laying on the floor. In that lies your part. The part that allowed him to abuse you. the codependent part. It is a sickness of sorts and it plays a huge part in a dysfunctional relationship. Thats where our focus should go, on ourselves and how to see it and start recovering from it. It does not change the fact that this guy is abusive or that he is probably narcissistic. I read your profile and journal and I think your right on and that you are making the right decisions. There are a lot of dynamics and aspects to this to learn and understand. it takes time. be patient with yourself and most importantly forgive yourself so that healing can begin. All our relationships are different to. Your other relationship is another kettle of fish and it does not mean that this current guy is not abusing you. Look into codependence and look at the possibility that this guy may have addictions going on. It's usually the case. I go to Al-anon and it has saved my life. I also have done many study groups, workshops and read a ton of books. It's a way of life for me and again it has changed my life. I hope this helps.. sorry I' so long winded... I can't seem to help myself... Here if you need me

Robfed 01/27/2008

"He can't wipe his feet on you if your not laying on the floor."

WOW!!! I love that!! Thank you for taking the time to read my journals, it's kind of a complicated thing to sum up. You are totally right. I know he is a person, I know he has wonderful and redeeming qualities, and I know he has a great side to him. I guess in this early stage of the game, you know trying to rid myself of the guilt he put on me, I just want to hear that he was wrong and it's something bigger than he made it out to be. Because every minute I am teetering. I from...maybe it was me, no way it was him, he is sick, nope I am sick, I am better off, I am worse off, he was good, he was bad. I think I just clearly need to identify what really went on first so I can get over the damage that he caused within me. I know I should be by myself and I know that I need to be the one defining myself and finding my own inner happiness. I swear I am going to try if it kills me. That is my mission. I appreciate everyones support and advice, you are all wonderful blessed people. One more request??? What is co-dependence? I am starting to think this is a major issue with me. Anyone?

deleted_user 01/27/2008

great thread, people!

LouieJ... GREAT POST! yu are right on!

what is codependency? put simply, co-dependence is when YOU are addicted to the dis-ease of another/others. It's when you NEED TO BE NEEDED.... it's a subtle thing, and only you can really find the line between being helpful and being co-dependent. It's when we can leave someone who mistreats us BECAUSE HE/SHE NEEDS ME!

I've done it both ways.... in a very physically abusive relationshp in college... lucky to be alive from that. But As LouieJ said, ALANON SAVED MY LIFE, TOO!

ok. now this is important: WORK ON STAYING OUT OF "EITHER / OR" that is a trap! I have a theory... you tell me if this strikes you at all.

When we allow people to abuse us, we do that because we are holding certain core beliefs about ourselves. Most of us going thru this have self-esteem that's in the toilet. So we are feeling bad about ourselves, and yet there is some spark inside that says, "no, i AM a good person! and I can prove it!" so we go out of our way to please, TO PROVE TO OURSELVES THAT WE ARE ESSENTIALLY GOOD! and what better way to do that than to show how we can still love, and live with, the meanest person we know!

I think we do this in part because we don't want to face our own INNER "PREDATOR" If I invite someone into my life who is essentially mean, nasty, cruel, etc.... they are an expression of the very dark qualities WITHIN ME, qualities I wish to be blind to. THE DARKER, AND MEANER THE "OTHER", THE MORE EASILY I CAN "PLAY" THE ROLE OF "ALL GOODNESS AND LIGHT" because by comparison, I am!

I believe that when we embrace our own inner darkness, our own inner self-destructive forces.... that we no longer need the "other" to express this for us. Make sense? When I accept that I am capable of BOTH 1) TREMENDOUS SACRIFICE AND LOVE AND 2) UNKINDNESS, and when I can LOVE MYSELF FOR BOTH PARTS OF ME, I am much more likely to be able to sit with myself alone, and be okay with working on these issues to resolution.

CO-DEPENDENCY IS NOT A PERMANENT STATE OF BEING! It is a tendency... it is a habit, it is faulty thinking that can be corrected.

there are ESSENTIAL QUALITIES OF CO-DEPENDENTS that are ADMIRABLE, HONORABLE, USEFUL, AND GOOD FOR SOCIETY.... where we go wrong, is loving others MORE than ourselves.... taking care of others INSTEAD of taking care of ourselves.

That's why, for me, I have to keep people around me who bring out the best in me.... because when someone I care about is going down the toilet, my natural tendency is to chase them down the pipe! So I've had to "install" inside myself some alarms... so when I hear my self say _____--I think "uh, oh".... go to the tools I have.

I heard it said this way: "I can care ABOUT you, but I can't care FOR (INSTEAD OF) YOU caring."

best to everyone!
kristen

deleted_user 01/27/2008

He was abusive, don't confuse that. Some people make toxic combinations, I fully agree. I was in a relationship when I was younger, with someone I did not fight with and we did not fight the whole time. Then I found my recent ex, and we fought like cats and dogs every day. I felt like a different person! he did not believe me when I said I had gone for years without ever raising my voice, he said I was as bad as he was! I was! I rose to the occasion, and it was a source of total CONFUSION for me for the longest time ... a lot of what you are saying in your post. So, you are not alone in this! Your therapist is partly right. We all have to take personal responsibility. That shows a lot of growth and maturity on your part! Peace

deleted_user 01/27/2008

I think Louie hit the head right on the nail.

I've been in similar situations...actually more then I'd like to admit.

YOu will get better...just focus on you and loving you.

Best of luck

deleted_user 01/27/2008

Robofed, Codependence is considered a disease in the same manner that Alcoholism is considered a disease or other addictive processes. Codependence is complex and can't be easily explained or defined simply. It is believed by most of the gurus in the field that it begins as the result of a dysfunctional childhood and varying degrees of child abuse and neglect and/or simple role modeling. (usually all the above) I do not believe that codependence is a collection of habits. I which it were... There are many layers to dig through to get to the core of the behaviors and beliefs systems that make up a codependent soul. I highly recommend that you go buy Pia Melody's books "Facing Codependence" and "Facing Love Addiction" I believe they are the best books on the subject. "Codependence No More" is good too but a bit antiquated. Here are a few excerpts from Pia's book:"Five Symptoms form the core of the disease." "Codependents have difficulty: 1) Experiencing appropriate levels of self-esteem 2) Setting functional boundaries 3) Owning and expressing their own reality 4)Taking care of their adult needs and wants 5) Experiencing and expressing their reality Moderately." "Codependents think they should be able to make those around them happy, and when they can't, they feel as if they are somehow "less than" others." Abusers feed on this trait and thats how we get convinced that it is all our fault. And so it goes.... There is a lot to it, many layers but there is a lot of hope to be had. Recovery can be had through counseling, group and book studies 12 step groups like Al-anon and creating a support network of other recovering people. I hope i haven't overwhelmed you. If you need support I will be here.

Robfed 01/28/2008

Thank you. I really think the codependence thing could be an issue for me. But I knew k=nothing about it other than hearing it in this forum. This is a hard process to go through, especially the looking inside myself part :) I know I was taking short cuts before and that's why I kept going back and having the desire to go back. I really want to fix myself this time so I can make healthy choices and move on from him and the damage related. Thank you all for your support.

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