Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.

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Coraleigh 01/22/2012

My husband of 30 plus years has been extremely verbally, emotionally, mentally abusive throughtout our entire marriage. Since I have left his bed about 6 months ago and moved into the spare room ( we hadn't had sex except for maybe once in the 2 years prior to that) he doesn't have his flip outs anymore, doesn't rip me too pieces, it is like a cold, silent war going on between us. One thing I find perplexing is he never said a word once I left, would not a "normal" person" say something, like ask 'why'??? I have to force myself to try to talk to him and answer his questions. If he didn't put a small effort into starting a conversation don't think we would hardly speak at all. I feel i am comletely closed down from him, we do nothing together, don't tell each other our plans or whereabouts. Each seem to have our own separate lives. I know the blow ups will start up once again. I'm very curious if he is cheating??? He use to demand sex all the time, night and day, but has totallly lost interest as far as I can see. He also is about 80 lbs overweight and has heart issues, so i keep thinking maybe that is why. Don't get me wrong, this is absolute heaven to have to not fake my way through meaningless sex, but really curious as think it would give me ammunition to actually leave. What do you think?? My sister told me to just ask him outright, well he's told me alot more lies than truths in all the years i've known him, don't think he'd be very forthcoming on this.

deleted_user 01/22/2012

Forget about his lack of sex drive, as it sounds like it's a blessing for you. What I would find harder to deal with is the lack of closeness and affection. Is it just distance growing between you, or is it the SILENT TREATMENT to punish you? Anyway, as a man gets older (mine and my friend's husbands are older, 65-75), his sex drive lessens. Unfortunately, many men then turn to looking at porno or other activities and/or younger women in search of that lost spark. One 65 year-old man that I know serverely damaged his relationshipwith his son, cut him off, because of a new marriage to a 40 year old bimbo. Too many older men think with their penis instead of their other head. This said, however, your husband's extra weight many play an additional factor in his lack of interest in sex. But do you care? You said that he initiates some communication. If you want to be more emotionally close . . . maybe you could start by asking him to watch a TV program with you. I know several older couples who have separate bedrrooms, separate bank accounts, separate lives for the most part, but still can hold hands and be friends without being lovers. You said he no longer verbally abuses you. If he starts that nonsence again, the hell with him. If not, maybe you could reach out to him (within the boundaries that are safe for you personally.) Sounds like strange advice. Maybe I am just confused as to your situation. Do you want more from him, or do you want out?

hockeymom5592 01/22/2012

I lived in our guest room for most of the last 5 years I was there. The first time, he kicked me out of his bed. I was there for a long time, I came to love the fact that I had my own space. Then, we would kind of start up again, I'd go back to his bed, but it never lasted. He would always start up again, and I would disappear. He never asked why. I assumed he knew. He seemed content with it, to have the big king size bed to himself.

I knew he was not cheating (because I knew what he was doing all the time, since we had the business, and at night he was dealing with my son's hockey), but he was drinking til he passed out each night, which kind of kills the sex drive anyway. I did find at one point, a zip drive full of porn he'd downloaded while I was working, and he was home doing nothing, (it was our own business, bu the rarely put in any effort). So...I guess he had his own private sex life. Whatever. By then, I was out of love, making my plan to escape, and the thought of intimacy was nauseating, so I just didn't care.....

No, I doubt if he would tell you the truth. It sounds like there is not much reason to maintain a relationship with him. Perhaps it's time to begin thinking about disentangling yourself from him?

Big hugs....

deleted_user 01/22/2012

I wouldn't ask him if he's cheating. He's not going to tell you the truth especially if he fears the outcome of you divorcing him and getting half or more of everything. it sounds to me as if you have plenty of reason to divorce him regardless of rather or not he is cheating. I don't think finding that out would affect how much you get in the divorce though unless the laws are different outside of the states.
I understand why you feel relieved that he's no longer pressuring you for sex but what is your incentive for staying married?

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