Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Okay, I will spare you guys the background story this time:-) Just a quick bit of info that is relevant to this discussion:
Sex ceased to be enjoyable for me nearly 14 years ago, at least with my h. It has never been about intimacy or my needs, but rather I end up feeling like a prostitute who exists simply to fulfill my "duty" as his prey. That being said, in the 18 years we've been together, he has never allowed more than a couple days to go between "sessions".
Until the past few months. Now nearly a week will go by without him expecting anything in the bedroom; then he will start to moan and groan and complain about how long it has been and how this is my fault--I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be; although history has shown me that if I initiate....oh boy! I'm nothing but a wh*** and on and on--in short, he uses that as an excuse to further abuse.
Anyway, it has now been more than two weeks. I realize he is still carrying a lot of anger over the Valentine's Day incident (when my brother was at the house when he got here), but really......When I get in the bed, he immediately rolls over and ignores me. He worked on my car Sunday, but aside from throwing the receipts at me, there has been no conversation about it. There's nothing.
Ordinarily, this would be just fine with me, but I can seriously feel the tension and anger emanating off of him every second. It is like a literal physical presence in our home right now. I feel like the fly caught in the spider's web, just waiting for the spider to come eat me. It sucks. Part of me hopes and wonders if he is engaging in his own detaching process and maybe, just maybe, will spare me the fleeing and uprooting our children, but another part of me is just freaked out right now.
I have been so proud of my newfound strength and rediscovering myself, then along comes this new behavior that I can't quite figure out. It is leaving me walking on eggshells all over again. Has anyone experienced this and what the hell does it mean!?!? I'm a mess right now, unsure if I should try to engage him, sort of poke the dragon to get it over with, or run for the hills sooner than I thought. Maybe he really has found another supply and he is going to leave me and my kids alone?! Is that too much to hope for?!
Any advice or recommendations would be greatly appreciated! Thanks for listening again:-)
Sex ceased to be enjoyable for me nearly 14 years ago, at least with my h. It has never been about intimacy or my needs, but rather I end up feeling like a prostitute who exists simply to fulfill my "duty" as his prey. That being said, in the 18 years we've been together, he has never allowed more than a couple days to go between "sessions".
Until the past few months. Now nearly a week will go by without him expecting anything in the bedroom; then he will start to moan and groan and complain about how long it has been and how this is my fault--I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be; although history has shown me that if I initiate....oh boy! I'm nothing but a wh*** and on and on--in short, he uses that as an excuse to further abuse.
Anyway, it has now been more than two weeks. I realize he is still carrying a lot of anger over the Valentine's Day incident (when my brother was at the house when he got here), but really......When I get in the bed, he immediately rolls over and ignores me. He worked on my car Sunday, but aside from throwing the receipts at me, there has been no conversation about it. There's nothing.
Ordinarily, this would be just fine with me, but I can seriously feel the tension and anger emanating off of him every second. It is like a literal physical presence in our home right now. I feel like the fly caught in the spider's web, just waiting for the spider to come eat me. It sucks. Part of me hopes and wonders if he is engaging in his own detaching process and maybe, just maybe, will spare me the fleeing and uprooting our children, but another part of me is just freaked out right now.
I have been so proud of my newfound strength and rediscovering myself, then along comes this new behavior that I can't quite figure out. It is leaving me walking on eggshells all over again. Has anyone experienced this and what the hell does it mean!?!? I'm a mess right now, unsure if I should try to engage him, sort of poke the dragon to get it over with, or run for the hills sooner than I thought. Maybe he really has found another supply and he is going to leave me and my kids alone?! Is that too much to hope for?!
Any advice or recommendations would be greatly appreciated! Thanks for listening again:-)
If you are feeling the anger, then it is not that he is detaching or has found a new victim (more's the pity). If you are feeling the anger, then it sounds like HE is sensing your "newfound strength and rediscovering" yourself - and he is itching to break it. He's waiting for a chance, the smallest opportunity.
Personally, I think you are right to be scared, I'm scared FOR you, having read this and what he has done when you have come close to escaping before. I'd love to say run for the hills, but I do know it's not that easy. I do think poking the dragon is not a good idea though - you know what he's capable of. He will not willingly lose his supply. Yet again today, there was in the news here a story of a woman who was beaten to death by her husband. The neighbours all said there were no problems with the couple, that they were fine - the son, however, told a different story about the "horror" she had endured.
Please be very careful - don't be a statistic. Whatever you decide, please don't poke the dragon - keep trying to placate if you really need to stay, get out if you can.
He truly scares me.
I can't say it better than that.
Meeting a hint of an impending argument head-on to 'get things out in the open' has NEVER served me well with these types. It has only ever escalated things.
And reading some of your journals makes me think there's nothing he wouldn't do given the opportunity.
Please take care. Remember, they don't think like us. Big hugs xxx
Livn wrote the words
that were on my
fingertips.
He is a volatile,
DANGEROUS
abuser.
If he'd found a
new victim, he'd
be absent from
you, emotionally.
He's obviously not.
Palpable anger is
a sign that he's
all too present,
and also that you
need to be
EXTREMELY
CAREFUL.
If you are not yet
ready to leave,
then DON'T do
anything that
would even
possibly raise
your profile.
(Your instincts are
correct. You ARE
a fly caught in a
spider's web.
Being eaten is
not a matter of
if, but when.)
I really hate to
say what I'm going
to say, and I do so
only because it's
possibly a matter
of life and death. . .
but in a quiet,
submissive way,
make yourself
"available" to him.
This may decrease
his perception of your
newfound strength
and increase his
feeling that his
control is as
solid as ever.
This enhances
your ability to
continue preparing
for your escape
until you're ready
to make it happen,
SAFELY.
Please be
SUPER CAREFUL.
Don't "tip your hand"
that you've rediscovered
yourself. You've nearly
escaped once before
and know for an absolute
fact that he's neither
forgotten nor forgiven
that attempt. If he
thinks you're about
to try it again, he
well may increase
the force of his
attack.
PLEASE TAKE CARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(And frankly, the sooner
that you can get yourself
and your children out of
there SAFELY, the better!)
Ilene, I get what you're saying. As hard as it is to actually do without throwing up or feeling like a low life form, I do get it and have had to dooit in the past. It sucks, but I get it. Thanks again guys
The mounting anger...
The escape attempt...
The physical and emotional rejection of you...
All super, SUPER concerning. And you feel it - your gut knows that the volcano's about to blow. Please stay super safe, and be canny as a fox. Carry a phone with you at all times, even make a deal to check in with a friend periodically if you can. And trust your gut when it says it's time to head for the hills. A plan to escape is good, but it's not as important as survival. I'm praying for safety, protection, and attunement for you. Stay safe.
Please be extremely careful and safe, and follow the advice you've received.
"A plan to escape is good, but it's not as important as survival."
Please, please find a way to move up your timeline. Like tomorrow!
I am not disagreeing with anyone's opinion here...all good advice! I'd like to share my experience in the time leading up to my moving out for insight purposes only. BUT, please do not confuse my husbands reaction to TRUE DETACHMENT...that was just an illusion. I stayed in my miserable marriage for way longer than I otherwise would have because my H had cancer and stated quite plainly that he couldn't deal with fixing our marriage (counselling) and treatments at the same time. So I continued on as best I could for the better part of the year enduring his torture waiting until his treatments were over to start "working on the marriage". The last four months were the worst for me. Things had gotten so bad that I decided I needed to detach from him in order to survive. I stopped talking to him (not altogether, but you get what I mean). I made plans without him, took off for weekends and even a week vacation without him. I stopped cooking, cleaning, taking care of the house in anyway etc....basically stopped taking care of him. This made him angry, distant, spiteful, "DETACHED" etc, but at this point, I didn't care. Finally, he told me it was over and that he wanted me to leave. I asked repeatedly if he was sure, if he was sure he didn't want to try counselling and he said absolutely NOT. A moth later I was gone. That last month was the worst he had ever been. Mean, angry, acted like he couldn't stand me, wouldn't even be in the same room with me. I couldn't wait to get out. I really thought he hated me and that I'd never see him again. I got out. Low and behold a week later, he was knocking on my door and still is. My point in telling you this? It may seem as though your strength is resulting in his detachment, not caring blah, blah, blah, but it's not. He's just pissed off that it seems you don't care about HIM anymore. Even if your strength pushes him to point that he does want you out...it will make it easier for you to actually leave no doubt...but he WILL BE BACK! Just my thoughts.