Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Well it's been 3 weeks since I've left and it has been extremely hard, especially with our 3 month old baby (almost 4 months). I have left the city where we were and moved 4 hours away, and I'm now looking for apartments. I got a new phone and I still have my old one with my old phone number in case of an emergency, and my stbx only has my old number. At first he constantly called/texted but after 2 weeks it diminished.
The other day he begged me just to know how our daughter was and to send him a picture so I atleast did that but I didn't get into any conversations with him. Well, now he is sending me texts all the time about how he misses us and how he regrets what happened.
Today he sent me two that seemed really deseparate saying how he can't handle this, how he needs to talk to me and that he has some major problems going on (other than between me and him) and he just needs someone to talk to, etc etc. I feel torn because I am not heartless and it actually made me cry to see that he is suffering so much (despite all the abuse I still care for him... I am human after all) BUT at the same time I keep telling myself this is a TRICK and DO NOT respond and fall into this trap. I told myself he has friends and family members he can talk to if he really is having problems, whatever they may be. I just worry because I keep thinking WHAT IF he DOES do something destructive - not saying he is going to kill himself or anything but I see his messages as a cry for help.
I just need to be strong - and not fall for this because I know it's just his way of reeling me back in. Please I need support to be strong and not fall for this!
The other day he begged me just to know how our daughter was and to send him a picture so I atleast did that but I didn't get into any conversations with him. Well, now he is sending me texts all the time about how he misses us and how he regrets what happened.
Today he sent me two that seemed really deseparate saying how he can't handle this, how he needs to talk to me and that he has some major problems going on (other than between me and him) and he just needs someone to talk to, etc etc. I feel torn because I am not heartless and it actually made me cry to see that he is suffering so much (despite all the abuse I still care for him... I am human after all) BUT at the same time I keep telling myself this is a TRICK and DO NOT respond and fall into this trap. I told myself he has friends and family members he can talk to if he really is having problems, whatever they may be. I just worry because I keep thinking WHAT IF he DOES do something destructive - not saying he is going to kill himself or anything but I see his messages as a cry for help.
I just need to be strong - and not fall for this because I know it's just his way of reeling me back in. Please I need support to be strong and not fall for this!
My spouse would leave message on my home answer machine saying how he wants so bad to work things out. How sorry he is, etc. I would not respond. It was strictly no contact. By the evening, I would receive a nasty biting email because I didn't respond and he would tell me exactly what he thought of me. Yep...emails were blocked after that.
You appear to be moving in the right direction. Keep moving forward for you and your child!
If he didn't want to be on his own, then he shouldn't have pushed you away with all of his behaviour. Which is exactly what you would get if you were to go back - more of the same.
Mine did this too. It was fake. It was also funny how, when the shoe was on the other foot and he was having a temper tantrum, threatening divorce because I was not devoting every second to recognising his "specialness", he was so adamant that he wanted ME gone.
If he can criticise and mistreat you in the ways he has, then he can bloody well take the consequences. He`s a big boy. There are plenty of other people he can go and see or call. Keep telling yourself that.
Huge hugs xxx
Good luck! Take good care of you.
is gut wrenching
(which is his goal).
It's also standard stuff.
This is another
great time to
review your stack
of Clarifying Index
Cards. At this point
in time, they serve
not so much to clarify
as to remind you of
his abusive patterns.
He's put those behaviors
away, for the moment.
They don't serve him
well, in reCAPTURE
mode.
You're right to not be
tricked and not be fooled.
It's hard to not
be lured back
into captivity.
It's so tempting
to want to believe,
to want the dream
to endure. But
abuse slaughtered
the dream. His
recapture mode is
utilitarian. It's NOT
his default setting.
His default setting
is to be abusive.
This is the time to
have a vision in your
mind, of what life
free of abuse, would
look like and feel like.
You're on your way there.
Don't turn back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Also IleneW when you said "It's hard to not be lured back
into captivity. It's so tempting to want to believe, to want the dream to endure. But abuse slaughtered the dream." This is exactly right. I think the hardest part for me will be letting go of the "DREAM" - so many promises made that were never achieved and that never would have been achieved anyway. It will be a healing process and I will have to go through the grieving part but I am just not ready right now.
And gigglemom, you are totally right - it is about HIM - it always has been and it always will be - I am looking forward for it being about ME and MY CHILD now.
When my daughter got sick and didn't want to see him I felt bad for him,as a parent. I would give him information about her illness, talk to him and try to cheer him up, update him. But, he got more and more pushy about my boundaries, wanting me to call him every day, call him back immediately if he called me. Kept inviting me over, and saying really inappropriate things. I tried to create specific boundaries "I will call you twice a week after I see her in the hospital and tell you about our visit." He just blew right past those and became irate when I maintained them-even though he'd agreed to them at first. She was an "in" for him to try and control me again-she always had been but my kindness and concern for him was simply exploited-gave him an inch and he'd try to bully me into giving him a mile.
When he'd initially try and get me to relax my boundaries it was all sweetness and light-he appreciated me, I was doing great for our daughter, he was just so lost and sad, and needed me to help him understand-then when I maintained my boundaries within hours I'd get that nasty, screaming, cussing email completely villianizing me, demanding I call him-telling me I was cruel to do this to him when he needed me most-I was sabotaging his relationship with his daughter.
He had numbers for support groups, websites on her condition, signed releases to talk to her doctors and therapists. He didn't want information about his daughter, he wanted ME to provide it, when he wanted, how he wanted, he wanted to take out his anger and frustration on me, he wanted someone to control because he felt out of control, SAME OLD SAME OLD. I decided, I am not responsible for being your educator, your updater, your emotional support, your dog to kick, nor I am responsible for your relationship with your daughter. I'M NOT TAKING THE JOB-Thank you very much-I know what the job requires and I don't want it!
His anger is building up that you are maintaining boundaries-he's contrite now but he will cycle back around shortly, with all that anger he's been building up and you'll want as much space as possible when that happens. STAY STRONG!!!
Take care of yourself!