It might be a poxy reason, but it was the only reason I stuck around as long as I did. Mine made me totally financially dependent on him by ensuring that every penny earned I went into the home. My only form of escape in the end was to throw myself on the mercy of a shelter, but it was so worth it!

Take care

Financial stability is the ONLY reason that I am still here (although maybe there's a healthy dose of fear of his anger keeping me here as well).

I think that when I said that I wanted to homeschool the kids, my husband may have been thinking more about how it would keep me home, and bound to him-rather than the benefits to the kids.

I haven't worked for 10 years-since I had my had my first son.

well its not realy a positive thing becos in a way u pay for it to with the abuse.as a married couple surly u are intitled to half?an it pays to be finacialy aware of exactly wat u as a couple do hav.

It's definitely not a positive reason to stay. unfortunately, it's a reason why a lot Do stay.

I remember years ago, I had an old bank account at a certain bank. My husband had fight with them, and told me to cancel it (we also had our joint account there).

When I was canceling it, the woman on the phone told me not to.

She said 'Every married woman should have a secret bank account of her own, that she was slipping a little bit of money into every once in a while, because you never know.'


and so right about being aware of your financial situation.

I have no idea-he does it all, and I wouldn't even know what to look at.

I hate finances at the best of times, but now I really hate it.

I'm financially challenged.
Man, was she ever right!

Thats hard , Rachel. It makes it so much tougher to make a break

I am fortunate in that I have qualifications that make it easy to get a job ( I am a veterinarian) but I have been out of work so long I lost a lot of confidence. I have recently started working a few hours a week and it has been a huge self esteem boost. My friends encouraged me to do this because they could see my situation.

My husband has had a good job for the last couple of years but before that he was out of work for 2 years. According to him, work wasn't as important as our marriage, so he hung around home trying to get me to 'see the light' and relate to him right. Boy, did I feel smothered and stressed! Also total stress living without an income. Occasionally I said that I would go and get work but this made him angry as I would be 'emasculating' him by having a job when he didn't. He told me how I was secretly proud of my career, made me feel ashamed of my qualifications.( Looking back I can see that he probably feels inferior because he doesnt have any although he is very good at what he does. )

So, I felt reluctant to get work fir a long time because of his words. How I have let myself get twisted by his opinion of me!

Possumlady,

It's interesting how these abusive men feel very threatened by our accomplishments and/or career skills. That was one of the MAIN methods my ex tried to cut me down, criticize my skills in my career - making me feel inadequate, etc. It was horrible hearing those comments and criticisms of my accomplishments. I would often say, "how come you can't just be happy for me" when good things happened to me at work. Because he felt threatened, emasculated, as you say!!

But what happens to us is that our self-esteem is destroyed when our partners do not support us in our dreams and aspirations as individuals.

I knew that if I stayed with my abusive ex, he would have tried to destroy me in the self-esteem department, especially with regards to my independence and career dreams. (He did a lot of damage).

And btw, I stuck around with him for a year (coming back to him twice) because I thought he would change! The classic abuse victim answer! Why? Because he would PROMISE me of changing!

His last promise to me was, and I quote him directly:

"I will do whatever you need me to do, to be with you."

However, what I needed him to do was STOP the abusive behavior. And did he?

OF COURSE NOT, it only escalated.

All words, and no action.

RAchel, and Possum....

If you guys live in the US....in most states you would be entitled to "temporary spousal support" . You need a lawyer. I had no money (it was all in his name) but here's how I got one. I rented a PO box for 6 months. They are cheap, like $30 or so. I opened my own bank account and used the PO box as the address. Then I got a credit card using the po box as the address. I found a lawyer, and put her retainer, I think it was $1000 or $2000, on the credit card. Then, she got me to court where the court ordered my now ex to advance atty's fees to my atty. I didn't get spousal support, because I worked, so didn't ask for it. Did get child support when my son came to live with me. The rest of the money she is about to get, as the final Supreme Court decision on my appeal just came in last week. Once you go to court, the first thing you both have to do is file a financial affidavit. To lie on it is to be in contempt of court. So, even if you don't know what he has now, or where he has it, if you can get to court, you will find out.

I know it won't work for everyone, but if HE has all the money, you can find an atty who will do this, as long as there is money somewhere so the atty can get paid.

Don't let them scare you, you just have to find a way to hire an atty....There are ways....