No! You are not wrong to protect yourself. I told by stbx EVERYTHING, except for withholding in the last few months because like you I did not trust him. Something in my gut told him not to trust him anymore.

All those things I told him, all my insecurities, issues from my family of origin, things about my friends ..... he used them all against me.

Such as (short version) "you're family of origin is dysfunctional, therefore you never formed as a person, therefore you have a personality disorder". Talk about projection. I see now who has the personality disorder!
(short version): "such and such a friend is divorced with kids, must be something wrong with her...such a friend had cancer, she must be fucked up after that". Empathy? Well we know they have none. Underlying message to me, you're friends & family are all fucked up. You're hanging around with imbeciles and mentally flawed people.

I could go on an on. He used everything I told him against me. I was naive. I told him everything. I believed like your H said that marriage is based on open and honest communication. Yes, may be this is partially true, based on A HEALTHY MARRIAGE. But in a healthy marriage there are things you don't have to tell your partner. Things that are yours and yours alone and that your healthy H will respect.

I met a "mutual friend" of mine and stbx on the street a few months ago (small town - word gets around). She told me the story going around was that I walked out on stbx, and what happened?!?Shock on her have. As i am such an open person, I confided in her, that this was not true, I was pushed out and that he was a control freak. Gave her examples. I don't know why, but my gut told me I could trust her. My head said otherwise. She asked me did I want her to set the story straight about what really happened to me to all those so called "mutual friends". Hell no, I said. That would cause further harm. She then confided in me that she had been in a similar relationship years previous to that and tried to give me techniques to exorcise stbx from my system (she is into alternative healing). I then sought constant reassurance from her that she would not tell her partner about what I said, as her partner knows my stbx. She reassured me she would not. She told me she does not tell her partner everything. She does not NEED to tell him everything. He does not need to know everything. There are things she keeps to herself. I was taken aback. I thought, "oh, thats probably what a healthy relationship is like" You don't need to tell your partner EVERYTHING. She said if he had talked about our separation that without saying she spoke to me, she would mention that there are two sides to every story. That is all she would tell him

Now perhaps I am wrong and she did tell her partner everything I told her. But I got a strong sense (and I have known her a while), that she would not do that to me. I left feeling that there is a woman with strong boundaries who PROTECTS herself. Perhaps she learnt the hard way by being in such a controlling relationship. I will never know if she did tell her partner. It was new to me and raw at the time. But my trust is broken and I can assure you I wont be telling anyone else anything, even if my gut tells me it is safe to do so!

So NO, you really don't have to tell him everything, The very fact that he is using whatever happened between you and your mother as a means to hurt you is all the more reason why.


I just found this book on the internet. There is a chapter on "Controlling your borders". I am just reading it right now myself. Here is a link to the book. (it cannot copy the part that I am referring to, but I suggest you especially read "your mind, Your Inner Sanctum".

I hope this helps.

http://www.escapeabuse.com/npd.pdf

After many years of tough learning, my answer is NO, you have the right to tell him whatever thoughts and feelings you choose to. Especially in such abusive relationships where they will just exploit the vulnerable information you tell them.

Trust, like respect, is not something you can demand. In fact, the very act of demanding trust or respect is more likely to decrease it than increase it.

The question to ask is not whether it's wrong to keep some things to yourself, but whether you really want to be in a relationship with someone you can't trust. No, it's not wrong to protect yourself - but you need to ask why you should feel the need to protect yourself from your partner. Your gut is telling you that this person is not your partner.

Yes, there should be openness and trust in a marriage - but there should also be a feeling of safety and a request for respect should not be met with a threat to leave. Should. Abusers are very good at telling us what we should or should not do, what a marriage should or should not be about - because it masks what THEY are doing to sabotage the marriage, and puts it all back on us, yet again.

There is a big difference between partners sharing in a healthy way, and the sick, twisted manipulation of an abuser trying to infiltrate our minds.

My ex, the narc was so much like you have described. This was a big issue in our relationship...or rather, his issue. Something told me to protect myself, not trust him ~ (my instincts turned out to be spot on) and of course this just made him angry.

I discovered some reasons my ex would do this: 1. As Queen said, the more you disclose, the more they have to use against you. My ex wanted to know details of past relationships. Guess what he brought up when we'd fight? 2. Knowing as much as they can enables them to manipulate & inflict pain on you more easily - (what will push your buttons?) 3. You 'belong' to them, so there is no such thing as healthy boundaries between you. What's yours is his, although what is his is not yours 4. Instead of being supportive, they get insulted and rage when we don't fully cooperate with their wants. It's about their needs. Like a child, when they don't get what they want, they have a fit (i.e. threaten you with not coming home...how is THAT healthy??) My ex also threatened me with abandonment because I didn't 'share' enough. He felt excluded and unwelcome. This played on my guilt...it was all turned around on me.
So messed up!

There should be complete trust and openness coming from US, sure, but them? Forget it.

Sorry to say, but it's a no-win situation being in an abusive relationship, and it's just about coping and detaching until you're ready to move forward.

I was also threatened with separation if I did not disclose certain information to him, which in the end I did not.

And in the end I got kicked out.

In the end he was losing control over me. But in the end I was also a crumbling emotional mess. I think he tossed as me aside for both reasons.

I suppose the problem I have is that real trust and sharing is something that you do naturally with people you feel safe with. It is not something that someone can demand from you or nag and lecture you into giving. Just had a long talking-to about how I am 'shut down' and I need to realize that this is the whole problem in our marriage. He is so blind to the idea that he has any issues. It is all me and I need to deal with it. Never, ever, ever a two way street. For sure, I struggle with intimacy and trust, but only with him, I have a good, honest, open relationship with my kids and close friends. Why? Because they don't badger, blame, lecture or otherwise intimidate me.

..."For sure, I struggle with intimacy and trust, but only with him, I have a good, honest, open relationship with my kids and close friends. Why? Because they don't badger, blame, lecture or otherwise intimidate me. "

Exactly, because it's not your doing, not your fault ~ despite what he is telling you, it's his issue.

Thanks, Queen for the link, will check it out.
I totally get what you said about your family of origin, mine is 'dysfunctional, screwed up, crazy' too. Which is why I don't want him to talk about them, I get put in the same boat.

No, it certainly isn't wrong, and I'd say it's a healthy response to someone who is going use everything you say as a tool to abuse you further. However, abusers like to not only have control of their victims day to day lives, what they do and how they do it and how they feel, they also like to have control of their thoughts, too.

Someone who doesn't respect healthy boundaries can be hell to be around, and if they're abusive, too, life can be impossible.

Next time he threatens to leave, Possumlady, I'd offer to help him pack his bags.

Take care

"He is so blind to the idea that he has any issues. It is all me and I need to deal with it. Never, ever, ever a two way street."

And unfortunately he will always be blind to the idea he has any issues :-(. It will always be you and your issues and your "dysfunctional family'

""""""""""""""""""My H says there should be complete openness and trust in a marriage,""""""""""""""""""""


Sure. That's what we all want.


But he's. . . . .

an ABUSER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


""""""""""""""""How do you do this if you feel that you can't trust your partner?"""""""""""""


If you can't trust your partner

you're in the wrong partnership.


You're correctly and appropriately
posting on an abuse forum, so
you already know that your partner
is an abuser.


He's an abuser.

Abusers abuse.

He wants to know your vulnerabilites
so he can use them
to abuse you.


As long as you're with him
he will abuse you.