Hi violet, it's hard to have an opinion without more background (at least for me because I don't know the rest of your story) but judging by what your father is telling you, it seems to me he's trying to intimidate you. First off, you won't end up in foster care if you're 18. Your younger siblings will, though, if your parents are found to be abusive, so your dad got it backwards for some reason. He's either confused or feeding you BS.

Anyways, I saw on your profile page that you are a victim of bullying and cyber-bullying. Could that be the reason why your mom is concerned about you using Facebook? Is your bully in Facebook? If so, maybe she's just trying to protect you.

If the answer is no, she's just controlling your Internet usage out of the clear blue... "because she can" ... I would suspect abuse.

I think that piece of information is important because while you're an adult, you're young enough that your mom's behavior might be somewhat understandable if you have a history of being harassed on FB. Still, I find her choice of words odd because it seems like she's placing the responsibility for the bullying on you "YOU can't handle FB." which is plain wrong. So that phrase is suspect.

You should try and talk to a social worker and you'll be able to get a clearer picture of what's going on from someone who knows your entire history.

there is no bully on facebook. I was talking to someone on here getting support and someone found out and told my mom. She thinks it was someone on facebook. Why would my dad try to intimidate me? But yes I have been bullied... and harassed for 11 years (longer than that if you count my parents' abuse. If i'm even abused).

What you've described to us is a pretty clear case of emotional/psychological abuse being perpetrated by your parents. That includes the standard methods employed by abusers to manipulate and control their victims through guilt, fear and confusion. It's hardly uncommon for victims of psychological abuse to question whether or not they are actually being abused of if it's all in their head or not.


Emotionally abusive individuals like to deny what they are doing to their victim, and try to justify their own actions while invalidating their victim's feelings/views. They are also known to try cutting off their victim's ability to reach out to others, as it undermines their ability to control them. In your posts you have described plenty of instances where these tactics were/are employed.

Such as threatening to remove you from your youth group, restricting your ability to communicate with others via electronic means (phones, texting, etc), and banning you from using FB after they found out you were reaching out for support. Telling you that you are "just fishing for attention" is a prime example of one of these techniques.

Your father's threats about what would allegedly happen if your reported them are also a bit of a red flag. If they were innocent of wrong doing they would not have anything to worry about since social services would investigate and upon finding everything to be as fine and dandy as your parents claim the social workers would leave and the case would be closed.

But by making the outrageous threats your father made, it shows that they (or at least he) knows that they are doing something bad and would be in big trouble if social services got involved. Especially if he himself admitted that your mother could face jail time like that.

Since you are an adult you would not be placed in foster care by social services. If they found the situation to be as bad as it sounds they would likely help you to move out and to a safer location. It could be that they help get you into a shelter for abused individuals and help you to get on your feet so you can survive. Or they might even help you look into finding a caring friend (maybe even your boyfriend and his family) or a caring relative who would be willing to take you in and help you out.

I'm just tired of my family. My mom is trying to talk me into only reading certain books and watching certain movies. Nothing involving drama. (More on that is in another post. Talk... Confused??) I'm so ready to just throw in the towel and accept that this is my life. It'd be easier. But I know I can't. I have to keep fighting. I want to leave my house. But I'm afraid to do that, afraid my mom and/or dad will shut me out, and I'm also NOT leaving my baby sister at my house. I'm willing to suffer as long as she's somewhat safe. I try to stay downstairs with her when parents are drinking so I can keep an eye on my parents in case they decide to give her a drink. I've said to myself that when they do it again I'm saying something. I've already taken 2 empty alcohol bottles from her that my parents gave her and griped at me when i did. What did I do wrong? I've been trying to be a good girl. But that doesn't seem to matter. Like I told someone on the PTSD support group that I am on the verge of crying. I want to crawl into a corner and cry. Cry till I can't cry anymore. I am in so much emotional pain I'm afraid I'll go cut myself again. I did that 2 times this month. I promised my bf I wouldn't though. And I'll honor that promise. What have I done to deserve this?

""""""""""""""""""""I've already taken 2 empty alcohol bottles from her that my parents gave her"""""""""""""""""""""""""


This is the first parental crime
that you shared with us, when
you first began posting.


You're such a very young adult
and you see the only way to
protect your baby sister, as
being in your parents' home,
physiccally. This is understandable
but, sadly, mistaken.

You CAN NOT
protect your sister from
the horrendous and
life threatening danger
that your parents put
her and your other
siblings in, by simply,
being there physically.

(The reason you cannot
is not that you're too weak
in some way. The reason
is that your growing up
has been impaired and
slowed down, by being
raised by abusive parents.)


If you follow this course of
action, (remaining in your
parents' home, to protect
your sister), it is likely that
your sister will fare badly (if
she isn't injured or worse),
through her childhood. . . .

and YOU will, likewise, fare
badly, as you are already using
cutting yourself to cope with the pain.

What you COULD do, to take
an action to protect your
defenseless baby sister,
you've said you feel too scared to
do. . . . which would be to reveal
the criminially abusive actions of
your parents to authorities that
would be able to come in and at
least prevent your parents
from further negligence
and abuse.

I have said all this before.
New members come on,
read your story -- v.w. -- and
share with you similar
suggestions. You will
hear it again and again,
as new people find this
forum, read your posts
and respond to you.

The responders may be
new, but your situation
remains the same. Your
baby sister remains dependent
on "care" givers who are
horrifically criminally negligent.

And you continue on, either
numb or finally self-harming,
to cope with the horrendous
abuse within your family.

You are now an adult,
though abuse has resulted
in you're being emotionally
and psychologically injured,
delaying how quickly you'll
be able to mature and find
your backbone and your
voice, as a young adult.

It's a tragic situation that
plays out all too often.

I read it on this forum.
I counsel people in my
practice. I read it in books
and watch it in movies
about dysfunctional families-
of-origin. Then I see it on
CNN or my local media,
when generation after
generation of emotionally
injured people come to a
day they can no longer
cope with the pain, and
do something that's then
described as "unthinkable."

I have only felt frustration
and sadness for your
situation, v.w., week after
week, here on the forum.
I understand why you are
unable to use the suggestions
we offer. Just know that,
if you always do what you've
always do, you will continue
to experience what you've
always experienced.

I continue to send
prayers for your protection,
maturation and hopefully,
someday. . . . . healing.

Please take good care.

The situation you are describing is all the more reason to contact social services. If you really want your sister to be safe that is what needs to be done. Otherwise she will grow up with the same (if not worse) abuse you have been through and it will be extremely damaging to her psychological development. She would also run a significant risk of never being able to form healthy attachments to anyone in life.

Social services would make sure that she is kept safe if they get involved. They would also help you to get to a safe place as well.

The sooner you contact social services the better, since the longer you and your sister remain in that environment, the more it will hurt the both of you.

I've been in a comparable situation and I can tell you from first hand experience that waiting is NOT a good or healthy plan. After many years my younger sibling reached a point where they were dangerously unstable due to everything going on and had to be involuntarily admitted into in-patient care for their own safety. As for myself, as a result of internalizing the abuse for so long it has caused my brain to develop a pain response to even thinking about my situation. Some days it physically hurts me to even come here since my head will start feeling like electricity is shooting through it.

I don't know what to do. I'm wanting to cry and throw in the towel. I am disappointing I know. I'm just afraid to do something, anything that would anger my mom and/or dad. I

Your mom and dad don't exactly have a right to be angry if you report them for their abusive and criminal behavior. Just as they do not have a right to abuse their children or put their children's health at risk. Abusers like them will not change their ways without significant intervention that forces them to see how they really are (and even then it can be very unlikely that they will actually change their ways).

If you're willing to "throw in the towel" then you should do so in a way that helps you and your baby sister out of your situation by just contacting social services and letting them take it from there. They'll investigate, pull you and your sister out of there and to a safe place where you can recover and get your bearings again. Meanwhile the social workers will deal with whatever bullshit your parents try to pull and if they even try doing anything to abuse or hurt you or your sister (physically or otherwise) it will only bite them in the ass even harder.

Once you get social services involved they should take care of the fight and process of dealing with your parents for you.


Despite how bad you feel now, it can and likely will get worse as time goes on if you do nothing. I know this from first hand experience, and you do not want to let it get worse like that. The longer you wait to contact social services the more it will hurt and the worse the long term damage done to you and your sister will be.

What kind of long term damage? I partially realize I deserved to be grounded from Facebook. Because I talked to a stranger I didn't know. And texted her. But my parents telling me no after 2 weeks I find unfair. That they went back on what they said. No Facebook for 2 weeks. If you're good then we'll see about getting back on the week after. Am I a sorry excuse for a daughter. I can't even keep my 5 siblings safe. 2 of them don't care about my views on certain things or how I handle things. But all but youngest 2 makes fun of me. Lowering my self esteem to nothing. My self esteem has been run into the ground. Why am I crying so much? Or wanting to.

Long term damage in abuse cases like these can include:
- PTSD
- Depression
- Anxiety problems
- Sleep problems
- Toxic stress
- Adult attachment style disorders
- Self image problems
- Various health problems resulting from these other problems
- etc

The list goes on and on.

In my case I ended up repressing most of the negative emotions/feelings (in part since society looks down upon males who have such problems) for nearly 20 years. As a result it finally culminated in very severe depression and a physiological response that causes me experience physical pain in my head (it feels like a bolt of electricity slapping through my brain) when I think about my situation or even try to talk or write about it. I've even gone through periods where my body in general is just plain sore and achy for no apparent reason. (This is caused by the chemical imbalance created by depression causing the brain to start consciously registering normal neurological signals from around the body that normally aren't consciously interpreted by the brain. As a result of not normally interpreting those signals the brain does not know how to translate those signals and so it defaults to incorrectly registering them as pain. This is one of the reasons why depression is said to come with physical pain in addition to the emotional pain.)

I also suffer from PTSD as a result of the emotional abuse I endured for so many years. Due to nature of it the triggers are largely random and I frequently find myself pulled into a flashback of stressful/painful/uncomfortable memories.

The anxiety problems I developed are another big problem of mine (in the form of OCD most of the time), and I constantly find myself checking my pockets, bags, work, etc numerous times to make sure I didn't somehow forget something (despite staring at and clearly seeing it right there where it needs to be).

On top of all that, the abuse I endured caused me to develop what is caused an "anxious-preoccupied attachment style" as an adult. What that effectively means is that due to my relation with my parents (particularly the one who was emotionally abusive) my brain developed throughout childhood in such a way that it is now very difficult for me to trust others or myself in a romantic/adult relationship. My brain became hardwired to expect that significant others cannot be consistently trusted or relied upon for support, and is also hardwired to immediately assume that anything wrong in a relationship is somehow inherently my fault or that I am screwing up and my significant other will leave me. (I am currently single after the last person I dated took advantage of me and left me an emotional wreck.)

Hon -----

You focus on talking
about FaceBook and
texting and why you
did or didn't deserve
to be punished by
your parents.

This is your focus because
you're a teenager.

And it is NOT the job of a
teenager to keep siblings
safe from parental abuse.

Sadly, your parents stole
your childhood, (and ironically
but predictably, they'll also
steel your adulthood). Now
you find yourself, as the
only non-abusing adult
in a family of helpless
dependents and two
criminally negligent
parents.

Further. . . .
you are NOT a
"sorry excuse"
for a daughter.
(And if that's
what they told
you, or made
you feel. . . . .
then all the more
SHAME ON
THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

The one thing you
COULD do
to keep your siblings
safe, is to talk to a
QUALIFIED, CLINICAL
adult. (Your YM was
NOT a qualified
clinician. He was
the one you felt
comfortable talking
to, and our warnings
that he was probably
not the best choice
apparently did not
outweigh your
belief in him.)

As far as "deserving"
to be "grounded"
from Facebook
because you talked
to someone. . . . . . . .


(I repeat. . . . . . )


YOU ARE AN ADULT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



No one can "ground" you
unless you hand your
legal entitlements
over to them.


I know it doesn't feel like
that to you, but those are
the FACTS and that's your
LEGAL REALITY.


It seems that pretty much
nothing we've suggested
to you here, has been of
value to you. I truly
understand your timidity.


So, that being the case,
here's one last suggestion,
which I URGE you in the
strongest terms to consider
carefully.

I URGE you in the strongest
terms. . . . to find and to talk
with an individual counselor
or therapist. You are already
a candidate for therapy, based
on your self-harming activities.
Beyond that, a therapist could
begin to address your lack of
self-regard, and also the
laundry list of long-term injuries
your parents' abuse has caused you.

Everyone here feels so badly
for you and your innocent
siblings. And sadly, none
of us can step up for you
and your siblings. We're
only out here in the
internet ether. We're
virtual. The abuse
your parents dole
out is anything but
virtual. But none of
us is there on the
ground, with you
and your siblings.
Only you. And
you're too beaten
down to send up
a flare so you and
your baby sister
and the rest of
your siblings
can be rescued.

It's truly heartbreaking.

Please try and
take good care
of yourself.

My parents don't tell me I'm a sorry excuse for a daughter. I tell myself that because I can't bring myself to do anything to help my siblings.

Oh sweetheart, I wish I could rescue you...but you are a legal adult and they shouldn't ground you from Facebook anyway.
Can't you just find someone to talk to? Look up city services for abused children, or talk to a trusted friend's parents? Something, honey.....if you are this miserable, don't just let it continue. You must take control of your life at some point....and in my opinion, sweetie, the sooner the better.
Talk all you want honey. I so wish I could help all of you from this. :(

When you become a parent, you will understand why your parents do & some of the things they do. If they see you can't handle F/B, then that is good reason within itself not to let you back on it.

I don't know the details of how F/B affects you, but if it has a negative affect on you, then your parents are actually saving you from yourself. You may see it as unfair, but try to pretend you are a parent for a moment. Pretend that you have a teenager that you love dearly; yet you see something having a negative affect on him/her. I'm sure you will do what you can to protect your daughter or son.

In my opinion, I won't recommend F/B, Twitter or any interactive social media for teens & younger. It's extremely sad how many suicides have occurred over matters that have been considered "trivial" to others.

I am a mother and I have experienced problems with F/B. Now, I limit what I say, who I add and pics I post in order to avoid drama. For some reason, things put in writing sometimes tend to be interpreted the wrong way. And if ppl are in a bad mood, they WILL vent. I don't add ppl I see on a regular basis.

I was grounded because I was talking to people I shouldn't have (it was on here but parents thought it was someone on Facebook). I agree I deserved to be grounded for the 2 weeks but why won't they let me back on it and/or give me a specific reason why I'm not allowed it confuses me. BOJ i don't know what effect my mom sees because I use it for talking to my friends and making posts. Why not add someone you see on a regular basis?