I will be the first to tell you that disregarding your felings in this area can do more damage than if they actually hit you. I married my guy because he knew this was a very important part of validating me as a woman. Sadly he used it as the very tool to destroy my sexuality. He degraded me in every area. He withheld for years. Looked at me like I was disgusting and totally destroyed my self esteem. Trust me, this will be your life for the rest of it while you are with him. I would give anything to go back and change it. The first time he turned away from me and told me we are married now and totally cut off sex, I should have left. I stayed 18 years because I loved him. Then he ripped the rug out from under me with a girl our kids age.

What you are going through is called sexual abuse. It can destroy your self esteem. If it does not matter to him now, it will not matter to him later. I would walk away love or not.

I'm sorry for what you're going through.

Listen to Tamehau.

To have the arrogance to tell you that intimacy
isn't important and believe he can emotionally
beat you into accepting that, is abusive.

Sexual intimacy is the one PARTICULAR thing
that partners share with each other and nobody else.

Your boyfriend has some serious problems and
he's trying to make them your problems,

DON'T LET HIM.

Love yourself more than an abusive "partner."

LOVE YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love yourself.
Love yourself.
LOVE YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ilene speaks such wise words on this subject. Intimacy is an important factor in a relationship and when someone withholds this from us, its a form of control and abuse.
It's devestating. I know because my own partner has done it and rubbed it in my face for over a year as well. I feel completely unwanted. And when I bring it up, he dismisses my feelings and it's heartbreaking. Especially when early on in the relationship he was happy to share intimacy wtih me, but then when the abuse started he began to take it away.....

I agree with what Ilene says wholeheartedly, now implementing it is harder than knowing she's right.

I haven't had relations with my husband for like 6 months, he told me that because we were married that our bodies are no longer our own, we are one and it not right for me to not "do" him. For me its not about control, not at all. The last time we had relations I cried uncontrollably. I felt horrible because he feels he can do what ever he wants to me psychologically and that is so intimate. He reminds me of my childhood abusers and I don't like that. does that make me abusive? If someone doesn't want it and you make them feel guilty that seems wrong to me.

If he has a controlling personality and is abusive in other areas, or he is trying to be with other women then don't listen to this advice but if this intimate issue is the only big issue then...

Testosterone cream would seem inconvenient to me, and a bother to use everyday. I don't know what has been said between you too but talk about it with him, and if he acts unreasonable then you should consider evaluating your relationship. But this type of problem can really affect a guy. Make sure he knows he is not any less of a man, and a lot of men have to deal with the same thing. And there are other things than the cream he can try. Try to be supportive, let him know that you are still attracted to him just as much. and you want to support him. learn about what he is feeling and what his concerns are. Guys will often severely withdraw from all physical contact, and not because they are controlling, because they don't feel good about them selves they don't feel like a man anymore. If you two had some harsh words about this in the past, see about talking to a councilor. Tell him that he doesn't have to be embarrassed, that you love him and that you want him to feel better, not that you want to "do" him. Each time you bring up that you want to be intimate you push him away. I hear Postivac works well, but it may not give him his "drive" back. He will feel better if he can increase his testosterone nothing to be embarrassed about it happens to a lot of guys! Levitra is for ed and I'm sure there are other things too, maybe he has to try a few different things before he'll find what works.

Just trying to help:)

Sexual intimacy is important in a commited relationship. You are 29 years old and shouldn't have to go without...you may love him and he may say he loves you...but actions speak louder than words. You cannot change him, but you can change. It is not fair and you deserve better.

thank you everyone.... why does it take sooo long for us to finally realize that its time to move on???? i guess its the desire for change... but that change never comes and your left waiting an hoping....
I do love him, but maybe thats not enough anymore... i am terrified of change.... my family loves him sooo much and he is right in every other way!! he is faithful, understanding, motivational, funny, makes me smile, giggles in his sleep.... there is just no sex...... we have been through soooo much together, i could have left right after i met him after finding out that he is a cutter, but i saw that sparkel of a good person inside him. he hasnt cut in over 3 years.... he tells me that i saved his life.... i believe it!
maybe its the combination of my depression and saddness that i am going through right now due to losing my job.... but i need his intimacy more than ever, to comfort me and show me he truly is there for me....

Crimsonrain,

You really love your boyfriend, and your boyfriend really loves you. perfect right? Minus sexual intimacy. You could have the opposite problem, great intimacy, but lacking in every other way. I don't think that you should throw him out unless you really have expired all of your options and patience.
Best Wishes, Love, Mil.

He sounds like a nice man, and that he is just dealing with a problem us women can't really understand.

"he has told me that intimacy doesnt matter very much in a relationship"

Maybe he feels that intimacy is all you care about. That physical touch is what matters to you over commitment or emotional well being etc. And in some ways I too believe that intimacy is not the most important thing, it is a part, because I have to think, what if someday my partner cant preform what if he has a freak accident and doesn't have the tools anymore. I wouldn't dump him because of it. He might feel devastated that he can't make you happy in this respect and when you express your concerns it makes him feel worse.
Make it more about him and his need to be emotionally and physically well , than your need for intimacy.

I do feel for you that you don't have this physical connection anymore, I miss intimacy as well but am uncomfortable with my spouse, I'm not trying to discount your feelings.

You should post a question in the healthy relationships group, they give plenty of advice on how to create and maintain a healthy relationship. Good luck

"i could have left right after i met him after finding out that he is a cutter, but i saw that sparkel of a good person inside him. he hasnt cut in over 3 years.... he tells me that i saved his life.... i believe it! "

Is he getting treatment for depression and these other issues? It would be my guess that the ED is a symptom of mental health issues and not something that simple hormone therapy will fix.

You need to do what's best for you and if he's not willing to actively work on his issues that means moving on.

Hon -----

If, honestly and authentically -----

you feel that you're okay with never
sharing intimacy or receiving bodily
satisfaction together with your partner
for as long as you both shall live ------

then ---- yes ----- totally ----- stay together.

If that's okay and right for you, then it's right for you.

But, in fact, you just wrote:

i need his intimacy more than ever, to comfort me and show me he truly is there for me....


Only you can know what's right for you.
Your family is not his "intimate partner."
YOU are.

But frankly, as good as all his other assets that you've listed,

if someone were to blow smoke at me, telling me that
intimacy is not important in a relationship
(maybe for HIM but NOT for most healthy people),

I would be suspicious that he was trying to railroad me
into DISCONNECTING from my own truths and needs
and inner knowing. . . .

and that would be, most emphatically ----- NOT ALL RIGHT.

Please take good care.

Interesting topic. The only advice I'd have to offer is the old standby cliche, "you can't change him". You can either work on yourself or change the circumstances or live and accept his attitude and his condition. Nothing more you can do.

In my situation, my H and I haven't been intimate in over two years, and we sleep in separate bedrooms. This was my decision. When the abuse escalated to him attacking my sexuality and constantly rejecting me, I had had enough.

It turned out to be a good thing because I can finally get sleep, AND by not having sex with him, I don't blur boundaries and end up being confused again. It's helping me detach. All in all, I'd trade sex, any day, for the little bit of peace I have now.

I know how this feels. I have been married for 4 years now and nothing ever happens. It gets to the point where I don't know what to do with myself. When I try to make a move, it normally ends up being an argument. It is horrible to feel unwanted...

i agree with some things the others have stated before me...but it makes it hard when you list all the great qualities he has.

i definitely agree with the comment about him going through something that women don't really understand...without really knowing the whole situation though...it's hard to really say.

maybe his pride is hurting that because of his "situation", he's just ashamed. ED isn't really something he can turn on and off...having ED doesn't mean he isn't interested...maybe he just feels like he doesn't want to start something and not be able to "deliver"?

intimacy doesn't mean sex. it's a whole lot more than that. is intimacy what you need? or is it sex? because if it's intimacy, talk to him about it. let him know that just giving you a back rub or foot rub, or holding your hand while you guys watch a tv show is okay...but if it's sex you want, you already know the answer to that.

if it's a deal-breaker...it's a deal-breaker. you both deserve someone who is able to conform to your needs and his own. it isn't fair to either of you to hold on to something that isn't there...

sorry...i'm probably not being very helpful. much apologies and wishing the both of you all the best.

This is a 7-year-old
thread but the issue
remains perennial.

Intimacy IS more
than solely sexual.

But sexuality is
part of being
human and
healthy.

The poster's partner
was trying to convince
her of something that
may have been true
for him, but based on
what she wrote about
her reality, it was NOT
true for her. She wrote:

""""""""""""he has told me that intimacy doesnt matter very much in a relationship!!!"""""""""""

and then:

""""""""""""""i beg to differ :( i just wish he would understand that i really need that connection with him. especially right now."""""""""""""""""

Based on where she was,
if her partner could not
find a way to attempt to
meet her needs, whether
sexually or in some other
manner, than despite all
his other good qualities,
this probably ended up
not being a satisfying
match for either,
particularly HER.

Sex is not the only
thing in an intimate
partnership. But if
it's important to one
of the partners, it's
absence makes that
relationship defective,
unsatisfying and
unhappy.

I hope the author of
the thread found an
answer to her dilemma
and is now living in a
way that brings her
satisfaction and joy.