I think that you need to be strong, you sound incredibly strong, but you have to do this for your daughter. I don't know how serious the abuse is from him but if you can protect yourself and keep focused on helping your daughter it would be the best out of what sounds like a bad situation. I am 22 and have drug problems and a lack of communication with my parents has often led me to do things that put me in a lot a danger, and I paid the price. I think that she, probably despite what she says, wants and needs your help more than anything. If you step out of the picture, do you want your daughter to go to him, after he has abused you? I don't know how you can get help to protect yourself from him? Maybe you have a close friend that can come with you or you can at least tell them when you are meeting him so they can check you are safe? I really hope you manage to get your daughter and yourself through this, and get some support that you need, don't do it alone.

Thank you so much for response Lost87.I am touched by your words. I wish I could help you too! I am glad you are on here. So I need to clarify that by touch I mean lovingly and sexually...not hurting. And when I say abuse I mean verbal and emotional not phycical. Sorry...it was very late and I was stressed when I wrote this. =) I had just got back from a 2 hour trip to try to talk to her and she wouldn't come out to see me. Interesting that when you say despite the way she says she doesn't want help, the attitude of "I could care less about you and anyone else" she really does? What is up with that? LOL! This is maddening. We have a 14 year old boy that is a good kid and I am trying hard and praying hard to keep it that way. Thanks again and please do whatever it takes to get yourself well. It is a serious and dangerous game to play.

Have you heard of intervention ? even w professional intervention it wont help until a person spirals dwn ward and/or hits rock bottom or close to bottom and only if they really want help. until they reach bottom and sencerely want help can anyone assist them in thier long hard road to recovery. In mean time they play the courts as in but not limited to promises of treatment verse jail time and/or court order treatment w house arrest etc... while they lean and depend heavly on thier co dependants - who are thier in'abl'ers who are stuck in a hampster toy wheel.

when you get done banging your head against the wall and jumping thur same loops, allow the courts to assist her in her recovery.

Lets see. prison verse jail. jails offer internet etc... both offer a safe place and clean sheets and a comfy bed and laundry service and 3 meals per day and tv and rec area, pd uilitys and ph service verse streets, gang life.
Tough love is just that tough and the choise of spinning your wheel and assisting the courts in assisting her in actually wanting to recover is your choise.

I do not see where you would need contact w your formor. you have police, social worker, case mangers, Judge,courts and your atty who you 2 can communicate thur, plus theres internet mail that provide a record of his abuse for your atty.

In recovery I feel that anyone would also advise you that it would be best if your daughter relocate out of state where she can not have interaction of any kind w her friends and connections. yep its starting life over.

The legal system are use to handleing people such as your daughter so let them do thier job. Only the legal system can assist her only when you step back and let them intervien.

again let you communication be by way of email and thur your atty and case managers...

am going to go call my son's.

You sound very strong considering the pain you are going through, i think you are doing well to keep focused on the welfare of your daughter, a true loving mother. I have a 20 year old daughter also luckily she is not on drugs, it must be torture and you don't need that idiot using your good parenting to get at you at a time like this, go along with the contact as you have done. My daughter became involved in relationship with the teen 'it' boy when she was 15, guess what she's still with him waiting faithfully for him to serve an 8 year sentence for selling drugs, she had access to dad at weekends this is where she met him so i had no control over it, her dad encouraged they're relationship when i first found out she was with him and tried to put a stop to it, my ex-abuser idiot would do anything to go against my parenting, needless to say my daughter is now living like a prisoner herself, she doesn't socialise with friends all she does is write letters and live for the day boyfriend comes out, i dread her getting involved in his drug selling life which she beleives is going to miraculously stop! It does my head in, i hate her being mixed up with a drug seller but what can i do she's 20, and ex is encouraging it. We had 3 kids together and few years ago our eldest son got into nightclub fight, ended up serving 9 months in prison, for me at time it was devastating but luckily it changed nothing in his life he's got good job, lovely girlfriend and is basically a happy lad, but we had to come together when our son was in trouble, i had no choice but to keep up contact, difficult but necessary.
Thats what yours is, necessary for your daughters sake.
I feel for you for what your going through i sincerely hope you find a way to get her off drugs, is it possible for you to move away, maybe make a fresh start, i know easy to say and she's not little girl.
Big hugs from another mum xx

Hi jojo ----

I'm glad you've made progress. I'm sorry for your sorrows around your daughter. Congratulations on getting your own home.

When you responded to lost87 (who I thought had some very good suggestions), you explained that:

". . . by touch I mean lovingly and sexually...not hurting. And when I say abuse I mean verbal and emotional not phycical. "

This suggests to me that emotional abuse and an abuser touching you "lovingly and sexually" isn't on your radar as something that's harmful.

I'm definitely with lost87. Please don't interact with your ex without someone else present. You say you're aware that he's an abuser. That's a good thing to stay clear on. I hope you don't feel alright about an abuser touching you "lovingly" and sexually. I hope that his access to you, while you're both helping your daughter, doesn't expose you to further abuse. Please do whatever it takes to keep yourself apart from old patterns.

Be well.

Ilene