Please forgive the long-windedness of this post...

Hi, I am new to this group (I joined the break up and divorce group a little over a month ago)and I am really hoping that I will be able to learn from all of you to promote positive healing and growth. I am recently separated from my husband- we had been together for 18 years and have three children (the youngest being under a year old). Like many of us here, my marriage was never easy, I was way too giving/accomodating/responsible and my stbx has always avoided responsibility, has anger issues, became increasingly moody and grumpy as the years went by, and was quite \"insensitive and selfish\". The marriage became more and more one-sided as time went on. My stbx also has obsessive/compulsive issues- and acted out several times throughout our marriage(an affair, spending money wildly, etc.). His negative behavior just seemed to get worse as he got older (which just didn\'t make sense to me- don\'t people grow up and mature as they get older?). He was very apathetic and disengaged about our children most of the time and his behavior really just went down hill after our last child was born (this baby was a sweet surprise from my perspective- but not so much from his perspective as it turns out). He had another affair this past January- and I had always been clear that I couldn\'t tolerate another one- so when he knew I would find out (the phone bill was coming in and he couldn\'t pay for it on-line to avoid having it arrive in the mail)- he pre-emptively left. He just walked out of our lives- and has only minimal contact with the kids now (1-3 hours a week at my house and he can\'t wait to leave).

He was recently diagnosed with a narcissistic personality disorder- which explains so much about our marriage (and his behavior since he left- like how he could literally just turn a switch off and be done with us). I am learning more about the disorder- and he clearly demonstrates nearly all of the symptoms. I am so sad and ashamed that I stayed in such a dysfunctional relationship this long- and I feel even worse that the kids had to live in this environment. There is so much less stress in our lives now- it is actually peaceful- we are not walking on eggshells all of the time now. We are also not being \"blown off\" by my stbx- when he just couldn\'t \"deal\" with his family responsibilities and would become completely disengaged. (Apparently I was already doing most of the child-rearing and house responsibilities on my own because my workload has really not changed and in many regards is easier because I have a lot more energy than I did when he was here.)

I do think that family life was too draining for him because as our family grew- he was less and less the center of my world and the family\'s world(he told me that he thought \"we would have made it if we didn\'t have kids because he still loves me and I was a good wife\"- but what the heck? We have three children- how can he just walk away from his kids?)

I think one issue that I am wrestling with in letting him go is that when he and I were alone- it was always good- I felt like we were close- but now I understand that he was just getting his \"fix\" with me- so he was content. He probably never really loved me (or at least how I would define love).

Currently he has a new narcissist supplier- but she is a very unstable married woman who is not going to leave her husband (I suspect she is a borderline personality)- she blows hot and cold with him- which causes him to be intermittently needy with me. At one point she had called things completely off and he was calling me around the clock- I had to set limits with him and said he could no longer call me unless it was about the kids. He didn\'t really listen, but she took him back so
he has been very cool/detached for about three weeks-(which although it hurts on some level to be replaced- it is also a relief because it was too hard for me to deal with his manipulative behavior when he was struggling).

So now that I have had some distance- I am starting to see the true level of emotional abuse we were subjectd to- it was so bad and I just didn\'t get it. On top of his bad behavior- he kept me hooked with his intermittent \"charming\" behavior- I desperately lived for those nuggets of good behavior.

My counselor said that I was operating in survival mode- and that this type of abuse is insidious so it\'s more difficult to recognize and name than physical abuse- but it still does a lot of damage. I feel so broken and my spirit feels drained. I was living with constant anxiety (about what mood he would be in, what he would say to the kids, what he was really doing, what he was lying about)- his behavior became my full time job to manage-just to try and keep our family together. Now that he is gone- my stress is gone- I am still sad and lonely but that feels different than stress. I sometimes get anxious when I think of his behavior (the inappropriate relationship he is in now is with one of his subordinates and he could get fired which would mean our kids would lose their health insurance)... but then I have to let it go and just know that I can\'t control his behavior- I can\'t fix his dysfunction- and the best I can do is take care of the kids and myself. I must have faith that everything will work out.

As I write this, I can\'t believe that I am writing about my life- I am so sad that I allowed this to happen.

Anyway- my question is how did those of you in similar circumstances finally heal? How did you heal your spirit? How did you finally let him/her go- even though there is a part of you that feels tethered to him/her? How did you resist when he/she (inevitably) came back for another fix? How did you take your power back? Did any of you get to a place where you could be \"friendly\" but safely at a distance?

Thank you all very much- any ideas/stories/feedback would be greatly appreciated! Best, K