Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
this is hard to write. I am in an emotionally abusive relationship. Won’t go into too much detail as to how I came to realize this. It’d be way too long and most of you probably already know how this goes.
My reasons for staying are my children ages 3 and 6 months old. Their father has made it clear if I leave he will make it his life’s goal to make me miserable. He threatened to run away with our first born before he was born , he also told me to get an abortion , he has told me he will hire a lawyer if I leave and get 50/50 custody of our kids, if not full.
He is horrible with our children and is emotionally abusive to our 3 year old. He sleeps a lot and never wakes not even to a baby crying , he doesn’t feed our children , he’s never changed a diaper. I could go on for days as to why my BIGGEST fear and ONLY reason for staying is to keep this man from having our children with him alone for days at a time. Even if it’s for every other weekend - it’s too much time and they will not be safe.
My problem - I’m not torn between staying or going. I’m torn between leaving to better myself or staying to protect my kids bc he WILL get at least some custody of our children. On paper he looks great . To family/friends he’s a regular guy. No judge will see him as unfit .
I don’t hear many people say they stay to protect the kids and I’m starting to feel alone . What will I do when I leave and then I get the papers in mail with a court date to begin a custody battle. Who is going to believe me that mine life has been a nightmare and my children’s lives will be a nightmare too if he’s around.
Can anyone relate? It will be worse on my kids if I leave .
Abusers say a lot of crap when they are still married. 25% are too selfish to even keep up with visitation. I hear women say how shocked they are all the time because he was such an obsessive parent and a few months after the breaking up the abusers just goes out in search of shiny new victims cause being a dad takes time and effort.
Get yourself and your kids out while you still have an ounce of willpower. Things don't have to be this way.
But it will help you to document these things--you can show them at court,
If he exhibits a fit of emotional abuse with one of your children, leave. Then let the courts know why you left--because you felt unsafe having your children be around him.
Go see a lawyer in your area. Many lawyers will give free consultations. Get as much advice about the legal process as possible.
I get what you are saying though--he's not responsible, and you're worried they will still grant him custody if you're separated, however if you are alone you can be there to protect your children.
For now, and I don't have a good solution for you, keep a record of incidences, in case you end up being able to use it for a court case. Maybe when they are older it will be different, but very young children really do need good supervision.
https://www.dailystrength.org/group/physical-emotional-abuse/discussion/to-stay-or-go-what-is-better-for-my-daughter
You need to leave WITH your children. If you leave and leave them with him, you will be just as guilty of abuse as he is.
CHILDREN LEARN WHAT THEY LIVE AND LIVE WHAT THEY LEARN. That means if you stay, that means your children will
1. grow up to believe that its ok to be abused and its ok to abuse.
2. grow up scarred for the rest of their lives
3. may very well resent you for NOT protecting them
And there is NOTHING you can do to change or make up for those three things if you and your children stay with this abuser.
In addition, by staying you are complicit in helping their father abuse them because there is NO WAY YOU CAN PROTECT THEM FROM THE ABUSE EXCEPT TO GET OUT WITH THEM. Actions always speak louder than words.
Abusers threaten all kinds of things. That doesn't mean they will follow thru or even if they try to do what they threatened doesn't mean they will succeed. I agree with LittleKatka' suggestions.
You need to get to a shelter ASAP and have them help you put together a SAFE plan for you and the kids to leave. Many shelters can refer to attorneys who help DV victims pro bono. Same with therapists.
You need to get yourself (not the father) into therapy yesterday! A good therapist will help you to begin to see things more clearly and rebuild your self esteem and self confidence. When the time comes, you can have the therapist evaluate the kids and that can go into the court records.
PLEASE, for the sake of your children, rethink your strategy. I know if feels like a damned if you do and damned if you do situation. But if you stay, your children will be sentenced to a life of abuse. They do NOT deserve to be abused. And neither do you.
One day your lawyer may say you have enough evidence to prove how awful he is so social services wont leave him alone with kids
Charming abusers can get full custody it happened to my cousin, until years later he beat up the next girlfriend.
Just make sure evidence is admissible in court,