It's going to be a tough one until things settle as he sounds like a person who would use the legal system to control and manipulate you further. So, find out the laws and play the legal game. Be seen to be a reasonable person, and don't fear the legalities, because once you find out what your rights are, you'll be in a much better position to stand up for yourself. He may use his rights to the baby, be prepared for that.

He might harass you through the legal system, and so long you fight him, he will keep going. But when you reach an agreement, and he realises you're not going back to him and not playing his game anymore, he'll more likely than not leave you alone.

So in a nut shell, find out your rights and obligations, his rights and obligations. You have a child together and likely to be in each others lives until at least until the child reaches adulthood, and unless he leaves, you are likely to coparent with him. Forget moral justice, because as far as legal system is concerned, it's law, not morals that you play by. Do not deny his right to access to the child, and yet take caution he doesn't abduct the child, because if you deny his right to access, you'll be opening a tin of worms first yourself. This is a cold blooded calculated game, and when you get overwhelmed or unsure seek support.

Which country are you in?

Sorry, I prefer not to say which country just for anonymity. Yes, it is going to be a very long, messy process. I know he will use the legal system in any way possible against me for any minor detail, so I contacted the US Embassy as soon as this happened and followed their advice, which was NOT to leave the country and seek legal help ASAP. I have done some research online as well in regards to my rights and I have every right to leave when domestic violence is involved. Also I know he knows how to abuse the system because he has done some VERY illegal things, that could possibly get him deported, that I will bring up with my lawyer. But where it gets messy is the separation process because he will most likely end up having some kind of visitation rights, and I want them to be supervised, but I don't know if I will get my way... because I need proof that he is violent with our child (which he never has been but the baby is only 3 months!). Even to get a restraining order her it will take atleast 3 weeks and they have to investigate both me and him... not like in the US where you just go to the police and it's pretty much done. I do NOT trust him one bit. Even though we are in Europe his homeland is in the Middle East and I am afraid if he is alone with her for one second he will grab her and I will NEVER see her again because his country only recognizes the father as having parental rights. I am also fearful because like I said, he knows a lot of people and I know he is watching me. He has also threatened my life before in the past, and I am terrified of any repercussions because of all of this.

Fair enough, the only reason I asked was because I'm in Ireland, and have some experience with legal family matters, and unless you're outside the EU, human rights and stuff like is in your side. Be aware of possible corruption though.

If your child is a us citizen, are you completely sure you are prohibited to go back to the us? You would be going back to the home country, and not running away, which makes a vast difference. Research that and everything else you are told. Don't take anyone's word for it. They know you're a foreigner, not saying they'll screw you, just trust nobody if that makes any sense. Find women in your area who have experience with what you're going through.

Middle east....girl, they no respect for women whatsoever, especially once the child is born, forget about it. I know, I had my first kiddo with a Malaysian. They are master manipulators, must be a cultural thing. And political correctness gone mad, the officials can be terrified of being accused of racism depending on a country you're in.

As far as restraining orders are concerned, they're not worth the paper they're written on, but it can add weight if it goes to court which for your own sanity I hope it won't. If your H chooses to harass you, there are ways of doing it without breaking the law, which is even more the reason to reach an agreement as amicably as possible. Don't let him push you around, but try not to escalate it either. It's about finding the right balance.

Use what you have against him if it comes to it. Even better if you have proof.

Family matters are a messy business, but it will settle down. It's very tough now, but it won't be like that forever. Let them investigate you all they like, it's their job to follow procedures, nothing personal. So long you cooperate and act reasonable, you'll be in a better position to stand up for you and your child, and gain the officials' support. As far as child abduction is concerned, what you're saying sound like a very legitimate concern, so fight tooth and nail for supervised access. Do you have someone reliable to supervise?

Let the legal people know you are in fear of your safety, especially that he has threatened you.

It's a very hard time for you, in a foreign country with a 3 month old baby. Do you have anyone to lean for support where you are?

Thanks for your response. I do have some family that is coming over to be with me during this time for moral support and also to watch my baby when I need to go out. Our child has double nationality with the US and the country I am now. When child custody disputes come up, either parent is allowed to put a block on the child leaving the country (regardless if they are a US citizen) because there is no custody agreement. So, even if I were to take our child back to the US, I could get charged with kidnapping and I could be extradited back to this country. This country is a part of the Hague convention, so I know I can ask for permission from a judge to leave and come back with the appropriate paperwork. All of this is still too early to tell what will happen with custody. Luckily, I speak the language here and worst case scenario, I am stuck here for the next 18 years, I can atleast find a job and get settled in. I am also mentally preparing myself that he will still be a part of our lives for the next 18 (if not more) years, and it will be extremely difficult to cut contact 100% with him because he is the child's father and he does have rights as well. He is already guilting me by saying that I have already ruined our child's life and how they are going to grow up without knowing their father, and how later on they are going to resent me for it, etc... He is playing the guilt trip game.

Today I have an appointment with a lawyer who specializes in domestic violence cases and they are very competent and well known, so I am hoping they will take my case. They also provide counseling and coaching for victims, and I know I will need some psychological support along the way.

Ha that pisses me off! You ruined it? BS! He ruined it by abusing you! And chances are that be WILL be a part of ur child's life unless HE chooses to be a jerk. Again not on you at all! Darn jerkface abusers and their stupid guilt trips! They need to look in the friggin mirror when they say that crap.
Practice selfcare! And be careful of safety. Good luck!

You sound very level headed which is the best way to be in your situation.

One thing, you did not ruin your child's life by leaving your H. In fact, you're doing your daughter a huge favour by not going back to him. Let his comments go over your head, there'll be many more before he gets the message that it's over. And he will soon get he message. In the meantime remember to rest lots, and mind yourself. Going for a bit of counseling wouldn't do any harm either.

Sounds like you are in good shape....keep your head up and keep going. By the way, my husband used the same line on me....you are ruining our daughters life....I'm thinking aaaa I am saving my daughter's life. It's hard and soooo mental. Don't let it work. You know what's right.

Lot's of support here.

Wow, it sounds like a tough situation, but you sound like a tough person! I'm really glad you aim to take care of your child. That is a great source of strength and has kept me going many times. I wish for your safety and success!

Thanks everyone for the support. Everyone keeps saying how I am being so strong, but I don't feel like it. I feel like I am on autopilot and I'm just doing what I have to do for now, like finding another apartment, and getting out of this city. I spoke with my lawyer and we will get the divorce papers finished very soon and I got the OK to leave where I am. I haven't had time to deal with the emotional aspect because I have so many other things in my head right now. It hasn't quite hit me yet that it's OVER... all of our dreams and future that we won't have anymore. What makes me the saddest is knowing that he won't be there for all of the "firsts". Our baby is growing so fast and already he is missing out - I know it is all his fault, but I feel sad that he isn't there to share the moments with us.