Welcome to the group Beachdreamin, altho, I am sorry that you find yourself needing to be here. I'm also sorry you are having to deal with an emotional abuser.

Sadly, while there may be some books for him to read, if he's not finding them himself, no amount of you finding them for him will make him read them. And even if he reads them (or says he reads them), chances of him 'getting it' or changing are slim to non.

Abusers' actions rarely match their words/promises.

Instead of suggesting books for him, I will suggest books for you. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans and Why Does He Do That by Bancroft Lundy are two good ones to start with. The first describes many different types of abuse.

Also, please go to your nearest women's shelter and ask them for information and referrals to a qualified therapist to help you rebuild your self esteem, learn self-care and set & keep boundaries.

In the meantime, please read thru some of the posts here and ask as many questions as you need to. This is an amazing & supportive group.

I agree with MTC.

This reminds me of the children's book series 'If you give a pig a pancake'.

If you give a book about emotional abuse to an emotional abuser, he will learn new ways of dodging detection and making you crazy. He will never admit in a million years that he is 'abusing' you (what an insane thought!). In fact, he will turn it around and tell you that *you* are abusing him and he is a victim.

The best you can do is learn for yourself what you are dealing with. Often when you start reading materials about emotional abuse, you find out that you were at first only aware of the tip of the iceberg. When I figured it out with my husband and read up on the subject, I realized that the abuse had been there from literally our first meeting!

There are tons of great resources on the web, too. Check out youarenotcrazy.com and you can also google 'crazy making husband' or 'narcissistic abuse'. There are so many websites out there, which just goes to show that we are not alone.

Hello MTC and Rose - This is a unique situation. Our therapist has told my husband that he is emotionally abusive and after he found out, he asked me if I would look for book recommendations.

I know that the books by Patricia Evans and Bancroft Lundy are highly recommended on here and would be great for me to read but I didn't know if they would be good for him to read as well.

Our therapist is regarded very highly by both of us so my husband is well aware of the problem and has admitted to doing it.

When DH first found out about it (about 7 weeks ago), he did several hours of internet research on the subject and told me that he felt terrible about it. But lately when we have an argument now, (which still happens a lot) it is always that I am being negative and I am always being blamed for trying to start trouble. It's never his fault.

We have been married 28 years and he has been very controlling the whole time. I just never understood exactly how bad the situation was until the therapist started explaining it to me and he has taught me very well.

Right now DH says he is "working on it" and my therapist is telling me that the emotional abuse cycle is still active. I am definitely not holding my breath that he is going to change but at the same time, I have not totally given up either.

Since he has asked for the book recommendations and is (supposedly) willing to read and learn, I was thinking of getting the books and having him read them; but now after reading what Rose says about him reading the information and learning new ways of dodging detection, that does have me concerned.

I am not sure what to do at this point.

Thank you for your replies and the other resources. I really appreciate it.

I applaud your efforts. But I would suggest exercising extreme caution. There are some great threads on this board about couples' counseling with an abuser. You might want to search for those and see if they match your experience.

One thing I have learned after 6 years of being on such boards, and with dealing with my own abusive (ex)husband, is that the situations are all eerily similar.

I did try for a while with my own husband, but he never owned any of it, not really. And he escalated the abuse in such a predictable way. It was a horrifically difficult time for me, but it was useful for validating that he was abusive and would never change. (Not saying that is the case for you, just my experience.)

Good luck finding some answers!

Rose, we did the couples counseling in the beginning but after a while my therapist convinced me (privately of course) that couples counseling was not going to work. He saw me individually for several sessions and then he saw my husband for a few sessions. At the moment, I am the only one seeing the therapist.

Oh, okay, that's great. It sounds like you have a good therapist. Many of them don't understand the dynamics at play and think they can fix the relationship. But abusers can be master charmers and totally different people to all others but you. It's good if you have someone you can talk to who isn't influenced by your husband's take on things.

Should I stay or should I go has a couple good chapters for you to print offline for ur husband to read. I will have to echo the others tho unless he is very sincere (not likely but possible) be very aware of his actions more so than his words.

Hi Beachdreamin!

Just please don't do what I did. For 30 years I believed he would change. I got the push/pull. Push me away..be emotionally and/or verbally abusive, then pull me back, professing his commitment. My stbx would appear so sincere...he told our counselor the marriage counseling wasnt working. That he (my stbx) would go get his own counseling because he was so "messed up" as he put it. It never happened that way, and one day a long time later he blurted out in anger how I "made him go to counseling".Poor victim. I tried to remember never to give him information about the kids, me, etc...he just used it to spin a mischievous web. Just please take care and best of luck to you!

I am in a very similar situation!! My husband has admitted to his abuse and wanted me to suggest some books as well. So, I did. He read parts of them and then quit. He never stuck with any of them or seemed to learn much from them. We agreed that he would join a group for abusers and he has done that. And he goes most weeks. I hear a lot though about the smart comments he made or the good points he made during discussions and how the counselors were impressed. Red flag as far as I'm concerned. We have done counseling separately and together. He has just learned to pay attention enough to use the lingo against me. And he's learned new tricks. Like using the words, "I feel," and thinking he can bring up any subject because it's his feelings and I can't fight that. He just recently said he was going to order books written for the victims of abuse so he can understand more of where I'm coming from. Of course, I don't think that's his reason at all. I think he's doing that to learn how to be even more covert in his abuse. At this point I have zero trust in my husband. But I'm still here. He critiques me about the kids and says I can't fight that because he's their father and has just as much say. He makes agreements about a million different things and then never sticks to them or comes through. There's always a reason. I think if your husband wants to read then he can do his own research and find his own books. Taking ownership of it is the only way to know if he really wants to do it or if he's just offering that as a way to appease you. I'm still here and I probably will be for a while.

Welcome to the forum
though I'm sorry for
the circumstances
that ultimately
brought you here.

What you have described
about your husband's
(recent) behavior is totally
typical of the portion of abusers
who are a degree slicker than
standard.

I'm sorry to be the bearer of
bad news, but there's an
EXTREMELY HIGH
probability, that he
will NEVER change
into someon who
doesn't abuse.

If you want to see this play out,
then give him all the books
he asks for but also challenge
him to resume therapy with a
counselor who SPECIALIZES
in treating abusers. I'll bet my
entire year's salary that. . . . if
he actually finds one and goes. . .
he will quit after three sessions
and tell you he's been cured.
And then everything you've
experienced in the years till now
will seem like a picnic at the beach
(because he will have had a
clinically intensive tutorial
on refining his tactics).

In addition, I have a hunch he
grew up in a dysfunctional
family of origin. If this is true,
then you have your reason why
nothing ----- not all the books
ever written, not even therapy
with a world class specialist ----
is going to be able to rewire his
brain to enable him to be a
totally different person, in
your marriage.

These are the sad facts
that have confronted so
many of us here.

The only way that abusers
change, is to get WORSE
over time.

Please begin your own
program of working with
a counselor who specializes
in recovery from abuse.

In addition to that, begin
to practice SELF-CARE
on an HOURLY basis.

Further. . . . learn to
wall off your inner self
to keep her safe. As
you already know, anything
you have shared with him
becomes grist for his
control and abuse of you.

Finally, learn everything
you can about emotional
abuse (and abuse in
general). Knowledge
is power. (That's why
HE wants to learn
about his "diagnosis.")
Whether you decide
to stay or to begin
an abuse-free life,
you'll be better equipped
for whatever path you choose.

Sending you hugs
and wishes for
better days.

Beachdreamin, I haven't read all of the other responses past #3, so forgive me if I am repeating what they said, but....

It is NOT your job to find books for your abusive husband. Him asking you is REMOVING RESPONSIBILITY AND ACCOUNTABILITY FROM HIMSELF AND PLACING IT ONTO YOU! (not yelling at you, just emphasizing this statement.)

By him asking YOU to find HIM books, he is then able to continue to place the blame onto you when he continues to abuse you by saying YOU got me the book and it's not working (or whatever other excuse he comes up with).

Also, and this is very important, by you doing this for him, you are actually enabling him to continue w/the abusive behavior. I discovered that just my presence (ie being around him, not even doing/saying anything enabled the ex to continue to abuse me. That was a huge realization and shortly after that light bulb went off, I left.

He is a full grown adult and as you have already described, he is not taking responsibility for his actions. What you have described is part of the cycle of abuse. And I really hope you both aren't seeing he same therapist. There is no therapist on earth who can be totally objective and abusers are quite good at shifting the blame and responsibility to their 'source.'

'working on it' is nothing more than three words. When words are not backed up by actions, they are meaningless.

Unfortunately, from your OP and reply # 3, he sounds like a classic textbook abuser.

I do speak from experience. I can't tell you how many books I bought for him that he said he would read. Somehow they all disappeared into thin air. There was one that we both agreed to read together & discuss a chapter at a time. I was so excited and so hopeful. Sad to say that didn't last long. At his first inkling that the book was placing responsibility where it belonged, he threw it down and walked out of the room and that, as they say, was that.

They will admit they are wrong....never very specific tho, only something like "I'm sorry for my part in this." Then they do the exact same thing the next hour, day or week. They make promise after promise, all of which get broken. They may even 'go to therapy' where all they do is BS the therapist and LIE to you about what happened in therapy. They lie about everything. They even break contracts you both agree to and it doesn't matter if those contracts are suggested by a therapist.

They will tell you they are aware of it. They will promise you they will do better. They might even ask for your help, but it's all BS and just a way to turn things around and blame you and not be accountable or responsible for their actions.

Please talk to your therapist about learning to set healthy boundaries, the first of which might just be let him get his own books.

I just went back and read the other replies. I agree w/all of them, especially Ilene's.

I want to second MTCs reply. It is NOT in any way your responsibility to find him books, find him a counselor, make his appointments for him or do anything else to "help" him. He broke it, he needs to take ALL the initiative to fix it. And if he was truly serious, he would do it all himself.

I am married to one of the rare ones who has actually managed over the last 3 years to make a significant change. And he's done all of it by himself, for himself because he wanted to change - and that includes finding his own reading materials, finding his own counselor, scheduling his own appointments and taking it upon himself to do whatever he could to repair the damage he caused. He doesnt abuse or try to control me at all anymore and he is still working on changing things he wants to change.

With someone with these issues, actions speak a whole lot louder than words. Don't listen to what he says, watch what he does.....that will tell you if he's for real or if he's just changing his tactics. Change takes a tremendous amount of work - he needs to be willing AND able to change his whole thinking and belief system. And he needs to be in that for the long haul. If he's not willing or able to even find his own books, how is he going to manage to do those other things?

Let me find a link for you on how to kow if he is serious about change or not. It really helped me sort things out.

Here's the link:

http://marriagemissions.com/signs-that-he-or-she-has-changed-and-will-stop-abuse/

I really appreciate all of the great information from everyone and all of the links. Thanks to you all!