Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Well he has the contract we agreed to about him signing my deed and me dropping the Protective order and we just go about our lives. He has not responded.
I'm sure this is about control. However, he really has a lot to lose. I don't understand what he is thinking.
Everyone tells me not to contact him to discuss this. They say he is doing this on purpose. Even at his own downfall???
What do you think?
I'm sure this is about control. However, he really has a lot to lose. I don't understand what he is thinking.
Everyone tells me not to contact him to discuss this. They say he is doing this on purpose. Even at his own downfall???
What do you think?
If you want your freedom, then you cannot remove the protection order. You'll have to let him fall, lose his job, and possibly go to jail. With him in jail, you'll be able to better negotiate new terms of him signing a contract that will keep the order in place. As it stands right now, you owe him nothing.
The thing with abusers is that if you agree to their terms, they see that as weakness and so will look for a way to push harder. Expect another set of demands if you push him to sign the deed.
Tbh, I am not sure you are going to get out of this without the expense of going to court. I know this makes no sense, since he has so much to lose. But he is also likely supremely arrogant - you haven't used the protective order against him so far, so he assumes you are too weak to do so (I am NOT for a moment calling you weak myself, just saying that from an abuser's point of view, any time someone else doesn't go for the jugular, whether justified or not, it is a sign they are weak). So, where he sits now: you won't use the order against him, he'll never have any comeuppance from any of the abuse because he is THAT good, and now you have agreed to drop the protective order. He's now wondering just how much more he can squeeze from you.
The first thing he wants to squeeze from you is contact - you talking to him to talk this through and find out why. If you do, that's another win for him and so he will push for more - probably a new demand before he signs the deed. The demand may be money, it may be that you agree to meet with him to talk about things, it may be anything. Please listen to those who say don't contact him to discuss. Because yes, even at his own downfall since he can't imagine that will actually happen.
Dr Phil's EVIL 8......... (avoid people with these characteristics)
"Evil Eight"
1. Arrogant entitlement-they think they can get away with anything they do.
2. Lack empathy
3. No remorse/guilt
4. Irresponsible/self-destructive
5. Thrive on drama
6. Brag about outsmarting.
7. Short-term relationships.
8. Fantasy world/delusional.
His "Nefarious 15 tactics that these people use to get to you and me and everybody else they target:
1. Infiltrate your life.
2. Create conspiratorial confidants.
3. Depend on approval.
4. Build a file.
5. Misdirect and obfuscate.
6. Blame others.
7. Lie.
8. Frauds/cheaters.
9. Isolate victims.
10. Abuse authority.
11. Press hot buttons.
12. Revisionist historian.
13. Two-faced/gossip.
14. Paranoid.
15. Passive aggressive.
I'm not sure why he would think I wouldn't use it. I know things have occurred here where I should report to the police. I don't have any proof its him. So reporting him will make it look like I am harassing him. That I know is something he would like to use against me to take an order on me.
I think Livn.....you are correct. I will have to go to court. I see no other way out. I am going to wait and not do anything yet. I have no contact with any of his friends or family at this point. No reason to.
What I would like to do is go where I know he will be this weekend and photograph him drinking. That's a violation...he isn't allowed and he cannot control drinking. Is that in anyones opinion harassing on my part?
Yes, that is harassing and he will bring up, "Why are you stalking me if you don't really care? Oh, you do love me." And BAM! He's back in your life. That's what he wants. Your contact, your interest, your eyes on him. It would take time out of your day to go find him drinking. Don't give him that.
It would be better if he doesn't sign the contract given by the lawyer. What will you do when he does. You should withdraw it. He hasn't signed it... yet. But when he does, you'll have to drop the protection order, right? How is that in your best interest?
Dropping the order is not in my best interest. Neither is losing my home or the rest of my savings. I no longer work so all my income is picking up the slack for his share. It's draining me financially and he knows it.
Need to put those lists on my bulletin board....
Because you haven't so far (whether you have valid reasons not to is beside the point in his mind) and because abusers have a ridiculous sense of their own importance and charm. He knows you won't do anything to harm his reputation because you couldn't possibly do anything to hurt him because you adore him because ... well ... because he's all that.
I get that it doesn't make a lot of sense - you DID report him for the theft, you DID get a restraining order, etc, so you have taken actions that will potentially harm him. But abusers aren't entirely logical, particularly when it comes to questions of their importance. He "knows" you are too weak and/or still too besotted to ever take any real action against him.
As for finding where he is and getting photographs .. it's dangerous. I would definitely talk to someone professional - lawyer or police or whoever you would give the evidence to - before doing something like that. It may well be good for you, but it also may well blow up in your face.
As long as you remember that you are in power to determine the conditions.
To an abuser, the world really is not enough.