Oh sidi, I am so sorry that this is so hard for you. Especially when you have taken the step to get some therapy.
While I am not a mental health professional, two of my siblings are. The best advice they ever gave me about locating a therapist is: Remember that they go into this field frequently because they have their own mental health issues; asking if they see a therapist is entirely appropriate. AND Shop for a counselor or therapist that you like, click with and trust. (I have had some bad ones and some unethical ones but I have a gem now - don't give up, you are worth the effort.)

I think she may not have approached the issue with any great tact or empathy for you. She may not be a good fit for you as a therapist.

It is not so important that you talk about him as the incidents of abuse and the feelings that were your reaction to the abuse. You should not have to convince the counselor that he was abusive or that he has a "predatory stare". You are the important part here and yes you need to focus on you but I think she did not realize how vulnerable you are.

Don't let one counselor that did not "get it" stand in your path to self discovery and freedom from abuse. (((((( BIG HUGS)))))))

If ---- after seeing
you for six months
(or more), your
therapist asked why
you wanted to talk about
him for "so long" and waste
your time and money, I'd
say that she might have
said that hoping you could
begin to shift your focus from
what happened, to your healing
and recovery.

But, since this was your
second session, my sense
from what you wrote is that
this counselor may not have
the education, experience
and skills to be a good fit
for what you need most,
at this moment. (Do you
know if this counselor has
a specialty, and is so, what
it is? Do you know what
school of therapy [therapeutic
approach], this therapist uses?)

Regardless of the answers
to those questions if, after
another session, you don't
feel fundamentally understood,
then I'd consider looking for a
better fit for your needs.

You DON'T have to "remain alone
with this trauma bond."

There are, happily, a world full
of different therapists. Some
are more competent, some are
a better fit, some have a more
compatible approach. . . . .
no one needs to feel that
the first therapist is necessarily
the last therapist. If one pair of
winter boots leaks and has a
slippery bottom not good on ice,
another pair is waiting on the
shelf. But if you give up and
never look for a better boot,
you'll either have cold, hazadous
boots or never leave the house
until the winter ends.

You don't need to
suffer through the
rest of your life,
because this therapist
didn't get it.

I'd suggest hanging in
through one more session,
to make sure your needs
are heard. If you still feel
unheard and not understood,
I hope you'll consider seeing
if there's a different option,
regarding therapy.

Please take good care of yourself.

Sending you hugs
and wishes for all
the support you need.

Thank you so much. This community helps feel understood and heard unlike any other place in my life.
emotional abuse from my experience flies under the radar of law, family members, psychologists, doctors etc.
He planned the abuse carefully from the start and made sure there won't be consequences that will affect him.
I remained with the dirt and pain and sorrow. He just moved on.
I need to feel validated, I need to work on my reaction to prevent the infiltration of another predator, I need to work on my fear and I want to get my power back.
If she dismisses me and counts my money one more time then it's really over.

You sound like you are regaining some power already.When you say it will be over - hopefully you mean you will seek another therapist.
Welcome home! This forum and a couple of others help to keep me on an even keel.

Please don't assume that just because this therapist doesn't have a clue about trauma bonding, abuse, etc., that it means all therapists are like this. Expanding on what Q4G said about therapists going into the field because they have their own mental health issues...

Many therapists go into the field because want to help others heal from the very issues they have experienced and/or are dealing with. The problem is that many therapists don't do their own work. So their clients can and do trigger them. And they (the therapists) are not equipped to deal w/their own triggers.

I was taught that we can only help others heal as far as we have healed, or are healing, ourselves. It is crucial that therapists continue to do their own work.

Keep looking for the right therapist. They are out there. I suggest you interview them before you decide which is right for you. Here are some questions you might want to ask potential therapists:

1. What additional training over and above what was required to obtain your degrees and license? If they say none or its very minimal, you might want to move on to the next possibility.

2. Do you have additional training in trauma release, trauma recovery, ptsd, trauma bonding and addictions? (yes addictions because addiction isn't just about the ones we usually think of. Its also about addictions to drama, suffering, people & relationships) If they say no, move on to the next one.

3. What modalities besides talk therapy do you use and which ones have you had additional training in? This is crucial because, IMHO, While talk therapy is essential to every modality that I can think of, talk therapy alone doesn't get to the sub & unconscious which is where the trauma is stored.

4. Is there a healing component in each session? I found from my own experience that talking about the trauma left me feeling worse when I left the session than when I started. There are modalities that include a healing component in each session. I can only speak for myself (and others that have expressed to me) that having a healing component not only helps us feel better when we leave, it can also help to empower us because we are doing our own healing with the guidance of the therapist. And those healing components build on each other.

5. Are you doing your own work? If they are insulted or refuse to answer, that's a pretty good indication that they are not. Again, move on to the next candidate.

It's quite common to begin therapy talking about the external source of the issue(s). In this case, it's the abuser. As you move through therapy, the focus should shift to how you internalize(d) what happened and the abuse becomes less and less of the focus. We learn that we can only change ourselves, how we see / process / interpret things. And we learn to change how we see things, how to set & keep healthy boundaries and most of all how to love, trust and nurture ourselves above all others.

~healing hugs~

Healing is a process and takes time. There was a time when I felt completely consumed, obsessed practically, thinking about what happened to me. But as you work through it, process it, allow yourself to feel those feelings, that goes away. I know I still have work to do but going through the process I am SO much better, in EVERY way, than when I avoided it for so long.

I personally feel like when healing from abuse, the first two steps one often goes through is validation, and understanding it wasn't their fault. After what abuse does as far as making you feel crazy, the minimization and denial that individuals and society places on the experience, the victim blaming done by the abuser, and the lowered self worth I personally don't see how the survivor can truly move forward with any kind of therapy without validation, and knowing they are not responsible for the abuse as the stepping stones. Any therapist who doesn't allow time for this-I don't think they really know what they are doing. I agree with Ilene that sometimes therapist have to point out things that a client may not like to challenge their client as part of the job, but jeeze, do the work first, allowing processing time, build trust and repore.

I personally think it's okay to tell your therapist how that comment made you feel. Get the therapist's response.

You are an articulate, intelligent, insightful person, you know what you need, you just need to find someone to guide you through it. You've won half the battle by knowing what you need, keep fighting for it and it'll be yours.

Thank you so much for your supportive responses, and I really did questions to filter the therapist because they can cause damage just as help with healing.

I give trust easily. And when she said, thank you for your trust, I realized it's not paranoia to choose the people I trust carefully.
My abuser got a lot of information about me from the very start, for instance, my former abuse experiences and traumas from childhood and it was just enough for him to build a file on me and rationalize the abuse. He said I am projecting on him.
I don't want these suppressed feelings just to come up, I want to clean them.
I will find my place to heal eventually. It was not my fault that he did it, but it was my responsibility to protect myself.
Hugs, Hugs, Hugs!

OMG, he created a file! WOW.

Yeah, totally. All this attentive listening was part of it. That's how he used me and that's how he abused me and that's why he discarded me.

Wonderful questions myTrueColors,
And a wonderful explanation of "doing their own work" and several of the other facets that make better therapists. It was enlightening to me and i will use and pass on the questions to others.
Thanks!
I apologize if I made it sound that all counselors have mental health issues. I doubt that mental illness has a higher incidence with mental health professionals than any other group.

sidi,

He didn't use you and abuse you and discard because of anything in any file, but because he is an abuser, and that is what they do. There are plenty of people in the world, who would look at anything in this file, and see you as a human being deserving of respect and care, not not someone to victimize.

Q4G, I think there is a "wounded warrior" type of psychologist who is prevalent in the filed, and it has it's advantages and disadvantages, which is why as indicated by you and MTC, therapist need to do the work themselves if they truly put their client's need first. EVERYONE has had trauma in their lives, you know? I don't know the prevalence of actual mental health diagnoses among mental health professionals. I bet I'd have a hard time finding studies on that. I may look, just for fun. Ethics in psychology is a area of increased research right now. With some of the postings on here I think it's a very well placed emphasis. Anyone who works with vulnerable individuals, who is in a position of power or authority-I think should have an even HIGHER degree of responsibility placed on them!!!

As for me, I think I am going to listen to the deeper meaning of what she is telling me with and without words. She is very nice, very beautiful but not profound enough. She knows all the tricks , but she doesn't know how to use them.
She talks about herself and her daughter a lot and I don't care.
Se takes away from my time even though there is nobody there before me.
She doesn't understand covert abuse. It's not literal - ""I am going to abuse you, I am going to lock you like she says"". She had two shallow examples like that.
I am not going to waste my time and money indeed.
I need somebody strong and caring , she repeated a number of times what an interesting case I am, she may gossip about me outside the session.

I had a therapist once who fell asleep during our sessions. I wasn't too keen on that.

Mostly, I think I've had good, or at least decent therapists. And despite my recommendations for therapy all the time I don't feel so enthusiastic while I'm in it. I've only had one really bad one. Sometimes you just don't find the right fit. I do know a good therapist can be life changing!

Thank you for being with me through this, and now I can articulate what bothers me.
Therapy is easy to find but healing and cure are rare.
She doesn't understand emotional abuse and I don't want to guide her as she asked how she could help me. If she doesn't really see how she can be helpful in my process then I don't need her.
Falling asleep is the most degrading I have heard so far even though it's also kinda comic.

I also had a therapist fall asleep. He conveniently woke up when the session was over. Said to check w/his secretary to make my next appt. I said, sure and then walked out the door & never looked back.

I had another therapist 'ass-ume' I was in love with him (NOT hardly, the little Freudian twerp!). I have had so-called therapists blame me for the ex's drinking and threaten to embarrass me in front of others by reading something I wrote that I was told would be kept confidentially between me, the ex and the 'therapist.' (THAT experience almost did me in.)

I had a therapist who kept answering her phone in the middle of our sessions. I had therapists who had absolutely no clue that I was being abused. These same therapists KNEW he was drinking and confronted him and allowed him to talk them out of believing what they had seen and known!!! THEN, they kept trying to push me to trust him and allow myself to be vulnerable with him.

Ultimately, I have had two excellent therapists. Each had a different style and different tools. Both helped me immensely in different ways and at different times. The good ones are out there, but you gotta look. This is YOUR life and only YOU can stand up for yourself and demand excellence.

Qwit, almost every therapist I know personally & professionally admitted they went into the profession to help others heal because of their own pain/trauma. Like cant said, we all have our issues. The program I am in INSISTS that we do our own work and doing our work is part of the training.

There are codes of ethics for LCSWs (licensed clinical social workers) & LPCs (licensed professional counselors). I've read them all and Sidi, it is MHO that your therapist is in violation of both by discussing her her personal life with you. There are agencies where you can report infractions. Whether anything will be done is a whole other question.

I don't think that it is all that rare to find healing. Ultimately healing is up to us. How we choose to heal is also up to us. That is why I never gave up looking for a good therapist. After over three decades of crappy therapists, I found two good ones. One helped me to survive while I was in the marriage. In the past six years, the other one has helped me to grow and heal more than I ever thought was possible.

Am I 'cured?" Nah, probably never will be. But neither will anyone else because we're all humans. But I am a hellava lot better. I have tools to deal w/my triggers & PTSD and 9 times out of 10 I can handle/deal with my triggers. When I can't, I call my therapist and we do a session.

What I do know is that major healing can and does take place when we find the right therapist with the right modalities AND we put forth the effort by doing our 'work.' That includes facing what scares us the most. What I learned is that the anticipation of dealing w/the pain & trauma is way worse than actually doing the healing work. As my therapist says, we don't have to suffer to heal.

Will we feel our feelings? Yes...oh hell yes. Will we be able to release those feelings? Abso-freakin-lutely!! But we have got to do the work.

Please do not give up looking for the right therapist.

~healing hugs~