Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Pasted in from today's
Wolf's Daily Howl:
Since I divorced, Ive met people in real-life situations and spent 31 months on a couple well-known dating sites. On October 16, 2010, I met a man on one of those sites. We went out for pizza within a week, and began a relationship.
It felt good. It looked good. It seemed natural. It proceeded forward. I had fun and was also hopeful that there could be a future. He fed that vision.
Very early on, I began noticing things, things that I knew werent great, werent even good. . . . things that could be considered possible indicators of trouble. The things I noticed were subtle at first. They were barely noticeable between the good times we were having.
The subtle things grew subtly. We kept having good times. He kept feeding the vision of a future together.
In September, eleven months into our relationship, he did some stuff I REALLY didnt like. But wed made it most of a year. Wed met each others friends and family. He kept feeding the vision of a future together.
(Nevertheless, Id begun the Clarifying Index Card exercise.)
Two Saturdays ago, at a party at his house where I was helping, (not the first party at which I'd been helping), he said and did some things that I SERIOUSLY didnt like.
A few days after that, he said that for three months hed decided he saw no future together but had been telling you what I thought youd want to hear.
He said that he thought I was great and would love to keep seeing me until he sold his house and left town to move two thousand miles to live near his daughter. I told him that he knew I was in this for a committed relationship. I wasnt with him for a couple fun Saturday nights.
So ---- thats that ---- (basically, a year, full circle).
Ive had the typical achey-breaky heart, over this. Wed seemed to be on track for something of value.
But if Im completely honest with myself and you ---- I saw the signs along the way. Id been recording them on index cards. Id been trying to ignore them, saying that he seemed trainable, despite what I was documenting.
Thats the story, pretty much.
I learned a bunch about myself. I learned that as independent as I am in general, I really do have a vision. I was hoping to see that vision materialize and to make that happen, so I didnt confront what I knew intellectually.
Im disappointed that my year with this guy has turned out to be a dead-end. I spent a couple days in emotional pain.
Ill recover.
Wolf's Daily Howl:
Since I divorced, Ive met people in real-life situations and spent 31 months on a couple well-known dating sites. On October 16, 2010, I met a man on one of those sites. We went out for pizza within a week, and began a relationship.
It felt good. It looked good. It seemed natural. It proceeded forward. I had fun and was also hopeful that there could be a future. He fed that vision.
Very early on, I began noticing things, things that I knew werent great, werent even good. . . . things that could be considered possible indicators of trouble. The things I noticed were subtle at first. They were barely noticeable between the good times we were having.
The subtle things grew subtly. We kept having good times. He kept feeding the vision of a future together.
In September, eleven months into our relationship, he did some stuff I REALLY didnt like. But wed made it most of a year. Wed met each others friends and family. He kept feeding the vision of a future together.
(Nevertheless, Id begun the Clarifying Index Card exercise.)
Two Saturdays ago, at a party at his house where I was helping, (not the first party at which I'd been helping), he said and did some things that I SERIOUSLY didnt like.
A few days after that, he said that for three months hed decided he saw no future together but had been telling you what I thought youd want to hear.
He said that he thought I was great and would love to keep seeing me until he sold his house and left town to move two thousand miles to live near his daughter. I told him that he knew I was in this for a committed relationship. I wasnt with him for a couple fun Saturday nights.
So ---- thats that ---- (basically, a year, full circle).
Ive had the typical achey-breaky heart, over this. Wed seemed to be on track for something of value.
But if Im completely honest with myself and you ---- I saw the signs along the way. Id been recording them on index cards. Id been trying to ignore them, saying that he seemed trainable, despite what I was documenting.
Thats the story, pretty much.
I learned a bunch about myself. I learned that as independent as I am in general, I really do have a vision. I was hoping to see that vision materialize and to make that happen, so I didnt confront what I knew intellectually.
Im disappointed that my year with this guy has turned out to be a dead-end. I spent a couple days in emotional pain.
Ill recover.
I'm not sure what you mean here, by "trainable."
I think when we bet on someones potential to become the person we want or need them to be, disappointment is sure to follow. I've done it too many times, refusing to see what he was doing, how he was treating me, believing he would "grow up" only to have to face the fact that he showed me who he was right in the very beginning. I just refused to see it.
You are an AMAZING woman and I know you will get through this. I really am sorry to hear this relationship didn't work out. You are absolutely brilliant and so fantastic and caring in your contributions to this forum. Your posts have been instrumental in my recovery.
But it's really not worth staying with someone who will bring you down. Yes, I went through a similar thing myself, a year, and saw the subtle signs early on but ignored them. In my case those signs grew into full-fledged abuse later on that was pretty severe.
Again, and as you say to others, I know that you will heal!
My abusive ex said to me " I can be trained". I laugh when I think about it now... But at the time, I really thought that he could be trained and that I would be the person to do it. (Before i started doing all the research on abuse and before he just kept doing his thing despite my pleas)...
If he was capable of that kind of lying, manipulation and cruelty before you two either moved in together or got married just think of how much more cruel he would have been once he "had" you.
I'm sorry you're hurting but so glad you found out the truth now before getting permanently tied to him.
Anyway I am sorry it did not work out, and forgive my humor. I believe with all my heart its just like you said. YOU WILL RECOVER!
Love you!
But really. I would be so mad at him. I'm mad at him now and I don't even know him.
As for the "training" thing, my H used to tell me that people are supposed to train other people in relationships. I'm a cat person, so I just don't get it--I just want someone to clean my litter box and not get angry when I sit on the table (kidding).
People are supposed to honestly communicate with each other and enable the other person to make educated decisions for themselves--and he didn't do that. He didn't give you all the information so that you could make the right choice for yourself--at least that's what is sounds like to me.
You deserve plenty of time to heal. A year is a long time to find out about something like that but I agree, it's still better that you know now.
Like it said in a book I read, that when you are meet a guy you have to accept them ''As is''. This is it! NEVER EVER for their potential or trainable. I have picked men this was, the wrong way and look at me, single mom of 3!!
Hope you feel better :) HUGS
I hope that your "vision" comes to fruition. I know it feels like you wasted a year, but you are a year and a bunch of lessons closer to your vision.
I know you will, so it's a bit redundant but ... take good care. You deserve it.
I'm so sorry! I hate to have to think of you being in pain when you are such a rock to everybody here.
I know about all the signs along the way and ignoring them. I've done it for 11 months as well.
Big hugs!! You will recover! And so will I!
I feel honoured that you felt safe to tell us your experience and show such vulnerability. It was awesome and brave and fantastic.
I am very sorry, however, that you are hurting and that the relationship you thought you had did not come to fruition. But you are known, loved, and supported here by your fellow travelers.
Hope your heart is healing....hope to talk to you soon. Big hugs....