Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Off to marriage councelling, and today I've got my list of things I want and need from a marriage - thought I'd run it past all of you who who might be better versed than I am:
I need my concerns to be taken seriously.
I need to be heard.
I would like to be understood.
I need to be asked, not informed or commanded.
I need honesty, openness, and vulnerability from my partner.
I need expectaions to be clearly communicated to me.
I need to not be held responsible for expectaions not communicated.
I need to know that my partner is capable of feeling remorse, shame, repenting, apologizing, and taking responsibility for her actions.
I need assurance that strong emotions are no justification for lying.
I need to see that my spouse has my best interests at heart.
I need to know that her own insecurities are not my fault.
I need to know that lies, deceit, manipulation, guilt trips, and gaslighting are completely and totally wrong and will not be utilized for any purpose whatsoever.
I need to not be accused of being evil, a monster, a rapist, violent, negligent with my children's lives, or a villain in the absence of evidence.
I need to not have my strengths belittled or used against me.
I need to be trusted that my decisions are not ill-thought out or capricious.
I need my contributions to be valued.
I need my boundaries to be respected.
I need my spouse to trust me with my children's well-being.
I need my skills and strengths to be taken into consideration.
I need my word to have as much weight as hers.
I need the same rules to apply to both of us.
I need as much authority over the household as she has.
I need my partner to be as committed to our relationship as I am.
I need to be able to speak about me and her and the relationship.
I would like meaningful sex at least once a week.
I need to be lifted up and encouraged by my spouse.
I need meaningful sex at least once a month.
I need to enjoy spending time with her.
I need to be sought out by her.
See anything I missed?
I need my concerns to be taken seriously.
I need to be heard.
I would like to be understood.
I need to be asked, not informed or commanded.
I need honesty, openness, and vulnerability from my partner.
I need expectaions to be clearly communicated to me.
I need to not be held responsible for expectaions not communicated.
I need to know that my partner is capable of feeling remorse, shame, repenting, apologizing, and taking responsibility for her actions.
I need assurance that strong emotions are no justification for lying.
I need to see that my spouse has my best interests at heart.
I need to know that her own insecurities are not my fault.
I need to know that lies, deceit, manipulation, guilt trips, and gaslighting are completely and totally wrong and will not be utilized for any purpose whatsoever.
I need to not be accused of being evil, a monster, a rapist, violent, negligent with my children's lives, or a villain in the absence of evidence.
I need to not have my strengths belittled or used against me.
I need to be trusted that my decisions are not ill-thought out or capricious.
I need my contributions to be valued.
I need my boundaries to be respected.
I need my spouse to trust me with my children's well-being.
I need my skills and strengths to be taken into consideration.
I need my word to have as much weight as hers.
I need the same rules to apply to both of us.
I need as much authority over the household as she has.
I need my partner to be as committed to our relationship as I am.
I need to be able to speak about me and her and the relationship.
I would like meaningful sex at least once a week.
I need to be lifted up and encouraged by my spouse.
I need meaningful sex at least once a month.
I need to enjoy spending time with her.
I need to be sought out by her.
See anything I missed?
I give my opinion (based
on both personal and
professional experience),
I try as often as I can to
make sure I add that for
every typical scenario,
there is the exception. . .
however rare it might be.
And I totally agree and
advocate for every
individual's personal
choice. That's each
person's entitlement
and prerogative.
For anyone who's
relative or significant
other has done a
hundred and eighty
degree change in
behavior from
abusive to
non-abusive, I
stand and cheer.
My personal perspective
is that that's nothing short
of a major miracle. And if
that's the case, then
hallelujah!!!!!!!!!
For the rest, I hate to see
any person --- woman or
man --- hurt in any way
or possibly killed,
holding on to the hope
that an abuser can be
"reached," changed,
or actually "cured"
(of abusive behavior
patterns). It really
SELDOM happens.
For whomever a
wonderful change
in behavior has been
the result of intervention. . .
I couldn't be happier for you.
In the overall scheme of
things, that's the very,
VERY RARE exception.
I'm genuinely overjoyed
for that exception. The
rest of us weren't (and
probably won't be) so
fortunate.
Ultimately, every survivor
must make her or his
own decision on
what action to take.
I know we all applaud you and your husband. No one disputes that.
As Ilene says though the chances of an abuser changing are so very small, maybe 1-5% I can't remember the exact percentage. You and your husband are both terrific for working everything out.
When you post, someone usually posts after you stating change in an abuser is almost never, and it seems to put you on the defensive.
Honestly, it has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with you, or your husband.
This is a board for physical and emotional abuse. This is usually where people come for help as a LAST resort, as the abuse is getting worse and worse.
Since the recovery rate is next to nothing for abusers, we have to assume that people that find us are NOT married to someone who wants to change. Therefore we try and help them the best we can. If they say they want to stay, then I back off, knowing I'm not going to change their mind.
To give them hope that their abuser can change is not the thing to do, as we do not want to give them hope that THEIR abuser can change---then have the abuser end up killing them. YES, it does happen.
It honestly scares me to death when you start talking about your husband wanted to change and is better, especially if it is in a thread that I feel the abuser can be violent.
It scares me for the MANY people reading this and though their husbands have a snowball's chance in hell of changing, are reading what you post and are thinking their abusers may change too.
I bet you every single person up here, wants their abuser to change. Most of them do not want to leave their abuser and that could prove deadly as we all know abusers do kill. That is the reason we all can't help but try and tell the person who posts that abusers change so seldom. As I said----It has absolutely has NOTHING to do with you.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))