-he's a pot smoker
-emotional rollercoaster almost daily
-all money needed to pass through his pocket
-jealous of my co workers
-thought I was cheating with co workers
-would isolate me from family
-text me all the time,
-call me all the time,
-keep track of where/what I am doing all the time
-never give me credit for things I did to help him
-he got all the credit for everything
-feel as if he hates the air I breath

Good for you to start making your list. I've started mine - not ready to share it here yet. You are very strong for surviving this guy!

I found something that applied to the significant other in my life. Look up the OCPD forum on google. He has almost 99 percent of the criteria. Control is a huge issue with these people.

Need to work on my list as I tend to second guess myself alot lately since he has stopped contacting me. I hate that I am obsessing over him like this when I know darn well he has not and will not change anything about himself, yet expect me to and even then, it won't be enough, the rules will always change. My ex sounds so much like your guy in the pot addiction, emotioal rollercoaster, jealous of any attention I pay to anyone else to the point of he would not even let me talk on the phone while around him or play on facebook on my phone, he would text constantly when he was in the mood, but then ignore, but I had better know when to answer and when to just leave him be. Same with phone calls, don't ignore him like he did me. Cheated on me most likely the whole time we were together. Would bring up any past issues that he thought I may have wronged him but I had better not. About the only things that differ alot are the hitting and calling names. He was more covert about insults, he would build me up and then make a snide remark. He could also be very unemotional and cold, especially when it came to cuddling or the bedroom. Sex was purely for f*cking and he would call it that, make no mistake, it was not lovemaking.
Ya know, once you do these lists, even barely touching on some of the things, you have to wonder, what is it that we miss?

I think you can add, put more effort into the relationship..that you do. More thought and emotion.

I've been noticing, as I make my list, thoughts in my head like, "Well that wasn't so bad .... it only happened once .... he never hit me....."

Makes me want to SCREAM with frustration. I know my departure is so, so, so, so new .... and what I'm doing/have done is HARD, but it is SO hard to not judge myself for thoughts like that.

I have thoughts like, "You are a highly educated and professional woman. Don't be so STUPID to have thoughts like that and want him back. That's DUMB and WEAK." .......... Guess who I sound like when I talk to myself like that? My dickwad can't be ex soon enough husband!

OK. Done venting... For the next 30 minutes anyway. :-)

hugs for myself!!!!

Just looked at the OCPD forums and Wow! is all i can say. I have learned a lot, and think I may have a form of this.
I like perfectionism, and things always have to go my way around the house or don't do it at all. My kids find it hard to do anything I say because I tell them to start this, and than find another thing they need to do, and they tell me "you told us to do this" oops, your right, k finish that then do this, but hurry. 5 mins later, are you done with such and such, "mom, we are hurrying as fast as we can"
me:'ok"
weird.....awkward......relief........

@ jenifersue
i hear you, making this list I kept going and going and I felt like I was just making stuff up at a moment, and I hit add before I could edit my list.
but I need to do more research on the OCPD, I think I may have a form of this.
A lot of the traits I carry, I don't think its in an abusive manner, but I believe it has affected my family negatively, and am planning to get into counseling for help with this. Although I don't believe in medications, I believe some people need it to be normal. and I don't discourage others from using meds. But my health is great, and i have prided myself in using my mind, and my will and diet, meditation, and other avenues to healing.
I hope this helps me with my future relationships.

Baby...I shared so many of the things on your list!

Mine...
He was on dating sites while we were married
Accused me of cheating all the time
Caught him with a woman
extreme jealousy
touching me all the time like a possession
sex was Expected and never reciprocated
pitted people against me
made me his scape goat against his adult sons
jealous of my coworkers
hated my career/but loved the income
tried to isolate me from friends and family
put me down behind my back
made me feel like I owed him
took advantage of me financially
stonewalled me
punished me
acted like a 10 yr old when mad
no communication
never stood up for me
made underhanded comments constantly making me feel crazy
only liked his activities
told me I don't love him like he loves me
texted me every morning after he stonewalled me with...I love you more then anyone in the history of the world...why don't you love me
brought out the worst in me
ignored my newborn granddaughter because he was angry at me
made holidays miserable
holidays were only about him and his family
made my sons feel unwelcome living with us..him and his sons never spoke to my sons
expected dinner on the table at 5
wanted me fat so men wouldn't look at me
was even cold to my dogs
was mad I drove a nice car...wanted me to sell it
hated that I didn't dress sloppy in sweats and sneakers so no one would look at me
he would "stop" home during his work day to use the bathroom...really to check on me
if I didn't answer my cell when he called immediately..I got an attitude
made me guess why he was upset
wasn't allowed to get my nails done or hair because it was too expensive...(I made over 6 figures)
wasn't allowed to do ANYTHING without him. If I mentioned lunch with my girlfriend he wouldn't speak to me for days
expected me to put up with his sons treating our home like a hotel and woke up each morning to the smoking pot throughout our house
asked me to put a stop to it...I did and then went around the family saying I threw out his sons. (I never asked them to leave...just for respect)
His sons had endless parties here
My son had 2 friends over and "we took over their house"

Whew...this list was a refresher as to why last week my divorce was final!!!!! I can go on and on...but the point is made.

Its funny how just months ago I was devastated when having to face the truth...now I am in such a great place. I can't stand him. Life is better when you go realize how you deserve so much more.

Sometimes i think we handle this abuse cuz we hope they will change.
When they don't and get worse. we get disappointed I'm so mad cuz he says its my fault we are not together.
i miss him. i know i shouldn't and still with all this list i would take him back in a minute.

it sucks cuz i know what i will go through. i saw him yedterday and i seen the hoarding side of him. all i could say was OMG!
Idk still yeg trying to blame myself too for everything . i know none of its my fault. but that's just my nature. i have to make peace
everywhere.

Pffffff. OK. Here's mine, so far. It's really long - don't really expect anyone to read it .... but it's helpful for me to share, so thank you to everyone on the list for keeping this such a supportive place.



- how he treated me when i was sick, blaming me and calling me a malingerer (gall bladder, c-section recovery after a while, miscarriage, flu, etc.)

- kicked my dog when mad at me or stressed

- kicked my cat more than once

- i asked him to resume taking care of my car because it was a sign of love but he didn't. called me a slob instead.

- calmly told me he hated me the last time i was sick (cold) before i walked out of the marriage

- called me lazy

- called me crazy

- when i texted him from the psych ward to tell him i was staying overnight and possibly checking myself in, he got mad at me because it was his birthday

- within a month of moving to the US, after we married, he got angry at me and told me i didn't know what i was doing, because i sold his watch for too little money. when the only reason we were selling the watch was because he delayed getting a job, and the reason i was doing it instead of him was because he didn't want to. "i should have done this myself."

- delayed finalizing his divorce because he didn't feel like talking to his ex-wife, never mind how it made me feel to "get married" to someone who didn't have his final divorce decree. and i accepted all his excuses.

- within a month of moving in, after we married, he got angry with me because i came home and made two requests: don't let the dog out in the yard off leash, and don't open windows without screens because of mosquitos

- called his ex wife bitch and cunt to my face

- used the n-word and got mad at me when i said it was unacceptable (neither of us are African American)

- talked so nicely about me when he was drunk, to other people, then would come home drunk and want to talk nice to me, and then get mad when i - after listening for a while - would gently suggest he go to sleep

- "tickle my back tickle my back tickle my back" ..... but god forbid i ask for physical attention

- i told him it was ok to go to a friend's to watch an important soccer game on the day i came home from hospital after c-section (with our baby still in hospital with infection). my mom drove me home, but he wasn't home when i got there. when i called and said i was disappointed he wasn't home (the game should have been over), he got mad because i wouldn't let him see the end of the game. came home angry, got angrier when he got home, and stormed off to the hospital (drunk) to stay the night with our baby (which we had agreed on). then i apologized (!) and got this email: "I am furious. Not happy and just missed her 10pm feed. I don't want your excuses. Do not call text or email me any more."

- happily lived off money from my parents that was supposed to be for a honeymoon trip to vietnam

- happily allowed me and my parents to pay for international plane tickets for his sons to visit the first summer after we were married

- used money we borrowed to fix our (serious fixer-upper_) house to pay bills and child support for his ex-wife's kids because he wasn't making enough money

- quit job after job after job

- got angry with me when i asked him if he made his car sales quota (every month) because he thought i was questioning his ability as a provider)

- got angry with me for spending time with friends, instead of time with him, the second time we were separated. cancelled plans with me because he was angry i was spending more time with friends than with him

- if i didn't manage all communucations with his ex-wife, he would probably never see his sons

- if i didn't make all summer plans for his sons, we probably would have just sat around the house

- forgot to feed his sons lunch at least once, when i was working and he was home with them

- asked me repeatedly to send the monthly child support payment to his ex wife

- let me pay the child support one month

- got in a screaming fight with me (we had both been drinking) when we were visiting my father in florida and out at a bar and i said i was going to go home because he was smoking and i had quit, when i told him in advance that's what i was going to do if he smoked. was furious that i would dare to leave him out and go back to my dad's house

- yelled at our infant daughter for crying, telling me i was too sensitive and he was just trying to "snap her out of it"

- put his fist through the plaster wall in his sons' bedroom being angry with me

- split the wood of a bedroom door slamming it when he was angry with me

- told me he put his hands on his ex-wife's neck in anger

- frequently told me he would happily kill his ex-wife

- prioritized his sexual needs over mine - living a fantasy about me sleeping with other men turned him on and was the only thing he wanted to talk about while having sex

- almost threw our daughter at me, in anger when i told him, for the second time, to stop yelling at her for crying

- called me a cunt, several times

- called me a bitch, several times

- apparently, i used to hit him and strike him when i would black out from drinking (whoops) and he would throw that in my face whenever i accused him of being abusive -- what he did to me was ok because i actually hit him (thank god i stopped drinking like that)

- talked to my father behind my back after i left for the last time, and never told me he talked to him

- lied to my dad that he never called me crazy -- i probably made it up (nice gaslighting, asshole)

- started dating a 26-year-old bartender at our SHARED local bar within 2 months of me leaving

- moved her in within one week of me moving out my stuff

- let her move in her cat, even though he hates cats

- said passive agressive things to me all the time, admitting he was trying to get a rise out of me, then telling me it was so frustrating when i wouldn't get angry

- would get all cold and tense in his scary way if i asked a question of him in front of anyone because he thought i was questioning his knowledge or ability (e.g., at home improvement store if i had an idea of a different way to do something)

- was a jerk when my mom got brain cancer, told me he was tired of having to support me through a difficult emotional time (then of course apologized and said he would always be my rock and my support)

- laughed the first time i told him the amount of child support and said "good luck with that"

- treated me like a layabout when i was on disability leave, even though i was still bringing in more income to the household than he was and i was in therapy 4 times per week

- resentful of me for taking time - and having the necessary medical benefits - to regain my mental health

- asked me to marry him - as opposed to assuming we would get married - in 5 seconds in a parking lot and only because i asked

- stormed out of the house in anger because i left an empty laundry hamper in the middle of the hallway

- got angry at me when i told a funny story about something he did, because he thought i was making fun of him and insulting him

- "teased" me all the time but got angry with me when i teased him back

- when i told him i was going to get a divorce, his first comment was "what's going to happen to ME? where am I going to go?"

- hangs up on me regularly when we have to speak on the phone about our daughter, even if he's not angry at me, instead of saying goodbye and having basic good manners

- flaunted his new girlfriend in front of me and my friends the first night i went out after leaving him ... danced with her in front of me and talked loudly about their plans. stayed in the same bar all night, intentionally trying to make me uncomfortable but told me it wasn't disrespectful of them to stay because "he doesn't care what i think."

- left his new girlfriend's underwear lying out on the living room floor when i brought my daughter to him for visitation (oh - i'm doing laundry)

- on the day i came over with help to pack my things, he knew i would be there at 9 or a little before. i got emails and voice messages at 830 saying, don't enter the house before 9. because his new girlfriend had spent the night. such an obvious underhanded way to hurt me.

- changed his story about wanting a child with me. after my daughter was born, he said to me and to friends, "well i thought i was done having children but she wanted one"

- asked me to shave his hairy back after we separated for the last time .... knowing that i would know he only shaves his back when he is going to be shirtless in public (or with a new woman) and then got angry with me for saying no. asked me again, even though i told him no the first time.

- told me, the second time i saw him after leaving him for the final time, "i would take you back, you know." LOL!

- told me "i have more fun with strangers than i have with you" when i had to go home from an afternoon out together because i was having a panic attack. i told him he could stay out, i didn't mind, but he chose to come home with me. but then that is what he said.

- gave me the major silent treatment when i was 15 whole minutes late to pick up my daughter from visitation ... i'm pretty sure because his new girlfriend was waiting to come over

- accused me of leaving him because i was seeing somebody else and didn't believe me when i told him truthfully no

- made me live through days and days of silent anger and passing each other like strangers in the house

- never once bought me flowers, even though i told him multiple, multiple times it was one of my absolute favorite things and pointed out there was a flower shop 3 blocks from our house. he told me he felt stupid buying flowers because people would assume he had done something wrong in the marriage

- called things i liked to do and events i liked to go to "stupid" and "a waste of time"

- got angry and snotty with me when i didn't email him enough, and nicely enough, the second time we were separated


Counseling and Separation History

January 2010: Started marriage counseling

February 2011: Separated for about a week at the recommendation of psychiatrist, when I left the psych ward of hospital

May 2011: "I've decided to take Max and stay with my mom and Stuart for a couple days. You and I seem to have reached an impasse, which I desperately hope we can resolve. In the meantime, though, the environment at our house is totally toxic and unhealthy for me. I need to be somewhere where I know I have love and support. And I hope you may find the house more relaxing if I'm not in it."

November 2011 (pregnant): separated for one month. really only got back together because of a previously planned family trip to Mexico and it would have been awkward if we were separated.

December 2012: Walked out of the house with my daughter and never went back

Wow you are such a strong woman, jennifersue. Way to go on leaving. (((((((((hugs)))))))))))

youre all very strong for posting this, maybe I should work on this. Just not sure if Im "there" yet....

so freaking tempted today to email him a copy of my "list"

just feeling down, sad, tearful .... found some journal entries last night with examples of ways he hurt me ... it was empowering in a way, because it gave me reminders that i didn't make it all up. but it also made me sad, i think, that i had to go through all that.

no one deserves to be scared, bullied or threatened by a person who says they love you.

@ jennifersue
This isn't working for me, I did the list, and I went no contact, and yet somehow I went back.
I look at this list and think this is what he did to me and this is how it's going to be, and it's not going to change, and yet he is here with me and we are back to square one again, and the cycle just goes on and on. But I love him. I reach for him, and he reaches for me, but it's like we are in two different worlds.
I somehow feel as if all the abuse is my fault. I feel like if only I keep the house more clean, or if I stop yelling, or if my kids would get around and help more, we would get along. But its always a conflict of some sort. And I am wondering what to do now. I stayed up last night until 130 trying to catch up on house work that has been way past due, and my house is chaotic, and trying to make my home a place of serenity.
I feel like I am running on a treadmill sometimes. Or like a hamster on a wheel. Just around and around.
In my mind I wonder if I am just overreacting, if I am just making up a reason to be stressed, as my sister says, "making something out of nothing", I don't know i just feel like we are doing ok right now, and things are moving forward.
But in my head I can see little signs that he is either thinking of cheating or already cheating with someone.
-he finds things wrong with me, such as the way I drive, the way I dress, how I cook,
-he barely answers when I say "i love you"
-hardly any body contact
-in a hurry to get me to leave
-when I call him on it, he apologizes to me
-complains when other guys "think they are a ladies man, psht"
-gets jealous if I spend too much time with any one of the opposite sex
-gets jealous if I spend too much time on facebook, internet, text
-never answers my texts, only my phone call, and then aswers like I am interrupting something, or irritated that I even call.
-never gets excited to see me like I do with him
-expects me to massage him from head to toe, and never returns the favor.
-and the list will go on.........