Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I separated from my abusive husband in April after being together 6 years (married 3). He has gotten himself sober through alcohol treatment since February and he recently started an abusive intervention program (even though he claims to have changed and to be able to change on his own). He begged me to take him back for months but I just didnt feel comfortable bc I couldnt trust him. He started seeing a 23 year old (he is almost 37) a few weeks back. It really bothered me bc I began thinking what if he really has changed and someone else is going to get the man I always wanted. What if I had to suffer and endure years of pain for him to learn what not to do in a relationship? It's not that I want him to abuse others, bc I would never wish this on anyone. I just dont see how it is fair that I had to suffer for him to learn how to be a good man. He even told me recently that he claims to know that he will make someone very happy, and it is a shame that someone wont be me bc I wont give him another chance. This is so hard....
I'm so sorry you're in pain.
Here are some sundry thoughts:
Unless the man has met
his love-at-first-sight-true-
companion soul mate, my
guess is that he's seeing
a woman fourteen years
his junior because she's
easy to fool and easier
to control.
I responded to another
thread you authored with
my position on his sudden
metamorphous. In short,
it's unlikely.
It's very likely, however,
that he will end up being
pretty close to how awful
he was in YOUR relationship,
the next time, and the next
time and the time after that.
Obviously, I can't know
this for absolute certain.
But based on the profile
of many, many people
with various dysfunctional
behavior patterns, including
substance abuse and
partner abuse, that's
my educated prediction.
It's extremely unlikely
that he will ever be
the man you always
wanted. There are
much better odds
for your success
in that department,
if you were to go
out and look
for a new one.
Please focus on
practicing self-care
and boundary maintenance.
Those two life skills
are a good equation
for creating a future
filled with satisfaction
and joy.
Sending you hugs
and healing prayers.
It looks to me like he is already abusing her, just maybe the real bad stuff hasn't happened yet, or the new girlfriend is still in the honeymoon stage.
"He even told me recently that he claims to know that he will make someone very happy, and it is a shame that someone wont be me bc I wont give him another chance."
That is creating guilt-self doubt-and it's manipulative-that is an abusive behavior. Secondly, if he knows she wants a relationship-and he is dangling it in front of her but telling her he is "emotionally unavailable" because he is still in love with you-well that is abusive as well. If he's lying, and he's not telling her those things and he's committing to her and lying to you-abusive still-more manipulation and taking away your ability to make an informed choice by lying. I'm am sorry-none of this sounds like change at all to me.
"The ironic part is that I'm becoming the husband you always wanted 100% faithful, tender, compassionate, caring, affectionate, hardworking, attentive, protective, selfless, financially savvy, achiever, and handy. I want a partnership." (That was today's email).
And when I call him out on leading some young vulnerable girl into thinking he is serious about her, he then says he is confused and lonely.
First of all, no one, even in a healthy relationship, is 100% of all those things. I'm guessing those were some of your chief complaints-and he's just regurgitating them back to you saying that's what he is now. And how did he get this way all of the sudden? Just some Epiphany that instantly changes everything? Where is the work? Where is the guilt? Where is the remorse? Where is his concern for you, and what this has done to you? I hear ME ME ME ME ME. I hear avoiding responsibility.
"If I stop and think about what I have been able to successfully handle/accomplish at the same time since April (relocating - starting from scratch, alcohol treatment, unexpectedly served divorce papers, divorce (bitter at times), dv counseling). I have even been able to focus my attention on you during a time when I am told needs to be all about me and my health. I have battled through adversity with my chin up because I have dug in, and changed in many ways. Most would have broken under the pressures I have endured. Running has become the outlet in life that I may always need. I realize that. It's my therapy. I guess what I'm trying to say is that if our marriage doesn't work out, I can walk away knowing that I gave it my all in the end. Yes, I was a terrible husband, but I am becoming a husband someone will cherish as I will them. I hope it can be you. However, I'm at a point where I can walk away for the betterment of you and I if that's the road you so choose."
Because that's pretty much the whiny little voice I heard when I was reading in reply #9.
So put-upon, SO entitled, so sorry for himself.
I sure wish somebody would change his diaper, because it is SAGGING!
Hun, rest assured he ain't bringing joy to anyone anytime soon. You are WAY better off.
Hugs and positive energy coming from me to you during this difficult time.