Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
hey all
The last time I shared here i received too many responses telling me to quit my partner. Although I entirely support that decision or someone who much do that. I believe that in my case, we right now, neither am I ready to leave, nor do I think it is entirely hopeless as my partner is working on change and has shown progress.
I want to be on this forum to be able to face it and find ways to deal with it as I am presently still in it and its not the easiest thing or even my first option right now to leave my man, whom I do love and who loves me a lot.
W do as many abusers do, have had rocky childhood and past and are often unconscious of the effects of the damage we are creating on each other.
We haven't had big fights in a while, yet last night we did. We have worked very hard on our marriage and things have gotten much better now.
Seeing recognizing and refraining from pushing the buttons or triggers for our spouses have really helped us to stay in love and calm to keep the understanding clear. Often we email each other about our concerns instead of talking as often non-verbal cues during talks (raised voice) and others often lead to escalation and a big fight and the issue gets too sensitive to touch or doe not get resolved effectively. I am reading literature about abuse and can see that both me and my partner can be very abusive and not intentionally. Its because o our wounded emotional aspects and inner child issues.
So I am opening this thread to deal with some of the triggers and behaviours that escalate it for us. I realized last night that some of the horrible things he says during fights did not affect me at all! I actually felt thankful for letting me see how stronger I have gotten on the inside. Yet some of his behaviours which are 'crazy making' 'making fun-ridiculing psycho' type behaviours completely make me lose my control and I start yelling and raging and get highly agitated and feel like physically hurting him.
He also instinctively places blame on me and distorts everything to look like its my fault and aims to WIN the battle and destroy his opponent 9who is his loving wife) but an opponent in the moment to him and instead of helping resolve he goes into supercombat mode.
Some of his tactics have been failing although others get me like a needle in a rear and I jump up in pain and rage.
He certainly provokes and escalates and feels controlled afraid and cornered or slighted too easily. We have learnt to communicate better and it has helped.
When he feels victimized and supervictimized everything I do looks like abuse to him while HE IS THE ABUSER and brings out aspects of that in me as I am trying to defend myself. He constantly outs me down, dismisses my opinions thoughts of feelings, interrupts (or interject) as he calls it and my trying to face up to it by trying to talk face to face has led to bad combats where he provoked me too much and then has the cops on me because I was grabbing him and in pain about how he could treat me that way and ended up grabbing his face and shoulders and neck (inadvertently) this was about an year ago. Immediately I thought O-Oh he misunderstood. He did and cried that I am trying to strangulate him and called the cops on me!
Months later he was still trying to take revenge by stating he is choking me 9I never said any such thing when the previous incident happened as I didn't intend anything like that) and came over to grab at my neck and pressed it). Now he brings up that incident which is a sore spot for us and conveniently forgets that he made a deliberate act of course as a revenge) and also keeps insisting on his misunderstanding. It has traumatized me to have the cops called on me. And he often scared me to think I would be considered the abuser if I act out. But he emotionally abuses me. Now it does not work so much as I don't really believe him. Yet one can see just how manipulative and 'turning-the tables-on-me) kind of guy he is.
He has gotten better now and so have I.
We are facing our issues and healing and if it comes to leaving this marriage it might happen in a time when we are ready. Yet I believe we are also ready to see each others points of view set our bounderies, NOT believe lies from partner and all the justifications just crumble and abusive behaviours do reduce or come to an end sometimes for a long period of time. Yet I am open for help on dealing with this and resolving it. If you see my posts on the jealousy forum, one can tell that I have some issues as well and have hurt him with my severe jealousy that I am working on healing.
Thanks for listening and I am open to suggestions (anything but just leave him or he should leave you). I am open to suggestions about communicating understanding and healing. I believe that any body can be rehabilitated if they are willing to change.
Also if I attracted this behaviour, unless I change my response to it I might attract it again.
PS: I am clearly not condoning staying with an abusive partner. Please by all means thats fine and even necessary.
I am asking for help in situations where the partners want to stay together and heal. Thanks
The last time I shared here i received too many responses telling me to quit my partner. Although I entirely support that decision or someone who much do that. I believe that in my case, we right now, neither am I ready to leave, nor do I think it is entirely hopeless as my partner is working on change and has shown progress.
I want to be on this forum to be able to face it and find ways to deal with it as I am presently still in it and its not the easiest thing or even my first option right now to leave my man, whom I do love and who loves me a lot.
W do as many abusers do, have had rocky childhood and past and are often unconscious of the effects of the damage we are creating on each other.
We haven't had big fights in a while, yet last night we did. We have worked very hard on our marriage and things have gotten much better now.
Seeing recognizing and refraining from pushing the buttons or triggers for our spouses have really helped us to stay in love and calm to keep the understanding clear. Often we email each other about our concerns instead of talking as often non-verbal cues during talks (raised voice) and others often lead to escalation and a big fight and the issue gets too sensitive to touch or doe not get resolved effectively. I am reading literature about abuse and can see that both me and my partner can be very abusive and not intentionally. Its because o our wounded emotional aspects and inner child issues.
So I am opening this thread to deal with some of the triggers and behaviours that escalate it for us. I realized last night that some of the horrible things he says during fights did not affect me at all! I actually felt thankful for letting me see how stronger I have gotten on the inside. Yet some of his behaviours which are 'crazy making' 'making fun-ridiculing psycho' type behaviours completely make me lose my control and I start yelling and raging and get highly agitated and feel like physically hurting him.
He also instinctively places blame on me and distorts everything to look like its my fault and aims to WIN the battle and destroy his opponent 9who is his loving wife) but an opponent in the moment to him and instead of helping resolve he goes into supercombat mode.
Some of his tactics have been failing although others get me like a needle in a rear and I jump up in pain and rage.
He certainly provokes and escalates and feels controlled afraid and cornered or slighted too easily. We have learnt to communicate better and it has helped.
When he feels victimized and supervictimized everything I do looks like abuse to him while HE IS THE ABUSER and brings out aspects of that in me as I am trying to defend myself. He constantly outs me down, dismisses my opinions thoughts of feelings, interrupts (or interject) as he calls it and my trying to face up to it by trying to talk face to face has led to bad combats where he provoked me too much and then has the cops on me because I was grabbing him and in pain about how he could treat me that way and ended up grabbing his face and shoulders and neck (inadvertently) this was about an year ago. Immediately I thought O-Oh he misunderstood. He did and cried that I am trying to strangulate him and called the cops on me!
Months later he was still trying to take revenge by stating he is choking me 9I never said any such thing when the previous incident happened as I didn't intend anything like that) and came over to grab at my neck and pressed it). Now he brings up that incident which is a sore spot for us and conveniently forgets that he made a deliberate act of course as a revenge) and also keeps insisting on his misunderstanding. It has traumatized me to have the cops called on me. And he often scared me to think I would be considered the abuser if I act out. But he emotionally abuses me. Now it does not work so much as I don't really believe him. Yet one can see just how manipulative and 'turning-the tables-on-me) kind of guy he is.
He has gotten better now and so have I.
We are facing our issues and healing and if it comes to leaving this marriage it might happen in a time when we are ready. Yet I believe we are also ready to see each others points of view set our bounderies, NOT believe lies from partner and all the justifications just crumble and abusive behaviours do reduce or come to an end sometimes for a long period of time. Yet I am open for help on dealing with this and resolving it. If you see my posts on the jealousy forum, one can tell that I have some issues as well and have hurt him with my severe jealousy that I am working on healing.
Thanks for listening and I am open to suggestions (anything but just leave him or he should leave you). I am open to suggestions about communicating understanding and healing. I believe that any body can be rehabilitated if they are willing to change.
Also if I attracted this behaviour, unless I change my response to it I might attract it again.
PS: I am clearly not condoning staying with an abusive partner. Please by all means thats fine and even necessary.
I am asking for help in situations where the partners want to stay together and heal. Thanks
I am with my abuser also, on/off for about 3 yrs now. I get a lot of what you are saying. I am trying to work things out with my man too. A lot of prayer, faith and hope has brought us this for. Love for each other, too. It won't last if there is no love.
I just hope that you and him can work it out and be loving first and foremost and give genuine compliments to each other. Give each other lots of space during dangerous periods. and some learn some cooling down techniques with each other.
Those are some of my suggestions. I hope it helps.
(((((((((hugs))))))))))
I feel I have been emotionally and verbally abused many times in my 23 year old marriage.
Like you, I have chosen to stay. My husband has many good qualities. I've decided to try to deal with his bad qualities in a different way. I had been engaging in behaviors of my own that actually resulted in draining me of energy and made things worse all around.
A book by Nina W. Brown ... " How to deal with infuriating, mean, critical people" was really useful to me.
I realized I had some negative narcissistic traits that were not working well for me. I was also lacking in healthy narcissism.
I have made " I can only control myself" my new mantra!
Good luck to you !
Every one of us has a unique situation. We should all do what we feel is best in our own situation
First off the thing that I've picked up on is your conflicting belief system regarding yourself. First of all you say your both abusive, then you make reference to understanding that he's abusive and that your reaction to his abuse (in frustration of the fact he had tried to push you and push you until you lost your patience) then you go back to yourself also being abusive with your jealousy!
I'm just relighting the theme of which you've wrote here. It seems like one part of you is well aware of the fact that your abused and how bad it is and another part of you is convinced that the way to save your marriage is to work on and admit her own flaws and take some responsibility for the abuse, even thou the other part has pointed out that what is seen as an abusive episode from you was actually a reaction to the abuse you was receiving!
You can be willing to change with all the mighty effort you can muster, but it feels like you putting in so much effort and some extra for him as well.
You don't want me to tell you to leave! Why? What a massive insight into what is truly going on in there for you! Why? If you were so confident and had the belief that this was going to work (fixing your abusive husband) then you wouldn't be triggered by others telling you to leave! Someone mentioned being in denial and I think you should look into this, seriously, because if you do and you discover there is no denial then no harm done right, you'll still be in the place where your at now, right? But if you find that your in conflicting beliefs which I suspect you are then it would point to denial because the denial part wouldn't want to hear about leaving him as its in direct conflict of the whole aim of denying it.
You say your not ready to leave and that's a fair point. I've been there, I have to admit that I didn't build a protective bubble up around me letting go of my abusive partner as big as what have but it was there, I too defended his actions by stating that I too was no angel. I too had been nasty to him at times. But I also recognised like you that I had reacted to his crazy making and abusive tactics!
The fact that you say you've made progress and so has he, yep also been there done that and worn the t-shirt ! Yep my ex, he was nice (not completely abusive free because he needed to be abusive even if it was just on the covert downlow front) but yep, a massive massive improvement. Whilst he was busy winning back my trust (as this was important to him) slowly but surely I lowers barriers, I changed myself, thought I had healed and then let him back into my heart and trust. (I'm taking it this is where you want to eventually head and achieve with all the effort in your marriage, this would be an ideal place to settle, in love and trust right?)
And then after three weeks (and I mean letting him back in symbolically which he must have picked up on somehow), he abused me. He had not changed, he'd just been quietly abusive for 14 months! And I mean quietly because he'd have the odd abusive moments that weren't half as bad as the past and didn't really seem that nasty (or at least he was good at makin them seem like innocent slip ups of his as he was trying to change but could do over night right?)
I will say this, you can put all your heart into fixing your abuser, he can show improvements and change and abuse less and that's a step in the right direction, but I will also say that his behaviour in what little info you have told us about, to me seems like it was extreme abusiveness and someone as extreme will needs years and years of therapy to change his core belief system and his soul.
And I don't think your even sure that he can and will achieve this!
It is always honorable, and sometimes necessary, to work on a marriage. I commend you and your spouse for doing that - it sounds like you are both progressing, and that is great. As long as you pay attention to what you need - and if the marriage gives you more than it takes away from you.
I worked on my marriage for three years before ending it, sometimes with my husband and sometimes without. His efforts toward change were always short lived and after three years his worst abusive tactics were still present -- and some things got worse -- so it was clear to me that I needed to leave. But some people can't do that, and learning how to protect oneself is important if you are still in it.
... Sorry I don't have concrete suggestions or advice.
* What was seen as an abusive episode from you.... was actually a reaction to the abuse you were receiving*
I get what you're saying her Kazb. That he was so irksome and crazy making that she snapped. But 2 wrongs DON'T make a right and the dynamic of the relationship is what needs to change.
Again... Each situation is different. Each woman is in charge of her own choice.
Even the educated Authors who write the books on verbal abuse don't plunk down the "advice" Leave him... Leave Him.. etc... So I think it's a bit extreme that many of you here at this forum feel comfortable doing so.
This poster even states that is the reason she didn't stay with our group the first time around was the only advice she could get was to leave... and yet you still slug it home to her?!
Doesn't feel supportive to me.
And not once in my post did I ever tell her to leave! I told her what I picked up on, and if that's not supportive then I don't know what is!
There is something I learned on the diploma course I did in counselling skills and that is to challenge someone, not harshly but to also be congruent as a person! So I feel I've been congruent and that is more respectful than just giving someone what they want to hear, rather than doing that sometimes you can aid them in making the wrong choices, sometimes it's best to shed light were u see it and then it's up to that person to consider it or not!
I think u can do more harm than good especially in these situations if you always agree with what the victim of abuse says, sometimes someone says something and brings things to light, that's all I ever aim for!
So I'd ask you to reframe from singling me out because you don't agree on the way I offer help, I would never do that to you or anyone else, please respect others on here!
I was wrong. Everyone is entitled to give advice around here. I will work on being more respectful of people who view things differently. We all should be heard.
Hang in there, Flying Angel. Staying together is an option, rebuilding your relationship can work! An end to an abusive relationship doesn't require that your husband change his entire personality. It is about the relationship dynamic and both people changing their actions and reactions.
Good luck to you!!
I read through what she wrote & all I hear is excuse making, & trying to justify abuse.
My husband has Very abusive ways. He also has some really good points. I'm not about to uproot my children because my feelings have been hurt. I'm not that needy.
when I read about getting out is best for the children.... If you are giving someone you feel is really an abuser unsupervised custody. How do you feel that is better for the children? Without your calming, wise presence around when your "Abusive" husband starts bullying... how can you protect those children when you are off relaxing and enjoying YOUR abuse free life?
I would like an answer to that question please.