Confused, I'm so sorry you're having to listen to this crap. You're seeing it for what it is - total BS.

Him: "I love you so much" = I love that you are my source. I love that I have you so I have someone to blame & take my anger out on. I love that I can manipulate you and humiliate you and make you feel bad. I love that I have control.

Him: I am so comfortable with you = its so convenient to have you here with me where I can easily manipulate you. As long as you're here I have my source....of course I'm comfortable with you.

Him: Are you even going to miss me when I am not here = please say yes so my ego feels better and so I know I still have power over you

Him: Then why are you doing this? = him grabbing on to the thread of control he now knows/thinks he still has and guilting/shaming you as part of his continuing grooming process of manipulation in order to keep you from leaving.


"Then he gets up and gets ready for work acting as if nothing ever happened." = Typical abusive behavior to act as if things are perfect.. which are exactly as he wants them in his mind.


"Then when he leaves he kisses me, I just peck him back and he says "you could give me a better kiss then that". (He has told me this same thing a few weeks ago but added "We have been together for 20 years, doesn't that mean anything". = Again typical abusive behavior to guilt/shame you and make everything your fault thereby making him the poor me victim.

Making the other person the bad guy is always one of the abuser's and/or narcissists' MO. They never truly take responsibility for their actions. Sometimes they will say something that might sound like they're sorry or it was their fault, but it's almost always lip service; i.e. they say what they have to say, act how they perceive they have to act to get or keep their source.

Hugs

Man, you had 20 years of mistreatment. YOU ARE NOT THE BAD GUY!! I'm really glad to hear you are doing what is healthy for you. GOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ooo hoo what a sneaky twist piece of dirt he is. Saying that you could kiss him better than that is just absolutely creepy. Hun he's sly like seriously! You have declared that you want to end things because you've tried and given him a chance but it's not worked and he wants a better kiss off you!

Tell me if u went shopping and the same man served u everyday and he became friendly with you and politely gave u a kiss goodbye but then said "come on u can kiss me better than that!" You'd be like "OMG get lost u creep!!"

I'm telling u he has zero respect for you, he is and always be about himself. That's just incredibly selfish and was just him trying to get reassurance that he could use his words to manipulate I and make u drop those boundaries !

He's also setting u up to be the one to reject him when in fact for the past two weeks he's rejected u as a person non stop!

Remember this new guy asking me for a picture of my boobs and I said no and he was like "anyway I'm off now goodnight" well that's the same thing as in he didn't get what he wanted. I guess if I had deep feelings for him like u do when you've invested into another and experienced love I would have felt bad for not sending him a pic and then he went off with me and was funny with me. It's totally all about what they want and anytime u don't give it to them their ego gets bruised because its says that your in control of yourself more than they are in control of you (and themselves)

The fact is that all of us have every right to say no especially if we don't feel comfortable in doing something and if that's a problem for them then u gotta ask yourself, should it be a problem because if it is then they expect u to do something that's unpleasant rather than wanting u to be able to life a peaceful and pleasant life where u can be who u r in the moment.

And if your not what they want then your made to feel guilty.

Well don't, never ever feel bad for being true to you and being yourself! Your perfectly reacting to the moment, why would I wanna kiss him after all the shit? Who would want to do that?

Same as why would I want to send him a rude pictures of myself after he'd ignored me for 4 days? It's just not gonna be on the top of my or your to do list and desire list is it.

Did either one take this reality (because it's actually living in reality) into consideration? Nope!

MTC You are awesome! You are so wise and everything you say makes complete sense. It just really sucks that this crap kind of works on us.....

Thanks ooooo! =)

Everyone tells me that I just need to get angry and tell him to "F" off, but I can't bring myself to do that. Is my not being able to do that normal? Or should it be easy to be angry and should I be a cold heartless bitch?

Please be true to your own feelings! This has happened to me. People keep expecting me to be angry, and suggesting I be sarcastic, mean, or lie. Although I feel angry sometimes I mainly just feel sad. I don't wish to be mean and I don't like to lie.

I feel if you do those things, you are allowing him to change you for the worse.

If you loved him, that is good. It is honest. It is a strength and not a weakness. Being nice and kind and honest is strong, not weak.

Thanks ooooo, that is exactly how I feel!

Confused, you asked: "Everyone tells me that I just need to get angry and tell him to "F" off, but I can't bring myself to do that. Is my not being able to do that normal? Or should it be easy to be angry and should I be a cold heartless bitch? "

Yes, you not being able to get angry right now IS normal. First of all, each person deals with the situation in their own way. You are in survival mode right now. You are trying to get out & get things more settled.

Your body & your psyche will get angry when you feel safe AND when you are ready. I have seen this happen in myself and my clients. Your body & psyche will never allow you to deal w/more than you can deal with. That doesn't mean you won't FEEL things, you will, but you will do it in your own time frame.

You are most likely in the early stages of grieving process. The 5 stages of grief (according to Kubler Ross) are denial, anger, bargaining, depression & acceptance. These stages are not necessarily linear & they can repeat & happen more than one at a time. There is NO time frame for grief. Grief just isn't about death, its about ANY and ALL loss.

Leaving &/or getting a divorce (especially when its been an abusive/toxic relationship) is like someone died except they're still around to remind us. It's possible that you might already have some feelings of anger on some deep level, but might not feel safe enough to get angry.

It might be tomorrow or the next day or after you get out that the anger will show itself. Grieving will lead to healing. It's much easier to do both when you're out of the toxic environment. That doesn't mean you won't have feelings before you leave....if you do, allow them to come & honor them. If you fight them or stuff them, they will just sit there piling up one on top of the other.

Just BE who you are and remember feelings are just feelings, they are neither right nor wrong. Honor them, don't judge them & don't judge the ones you don't have. Allow them to be and they will come and go as needed to heal.

Big hugs!!

Thanks Kaz, MTC & ooooo!!! You are all wonderful. I really truly don't know what I would do without you all!!!!

also Confused,
I know if I had told my abuser to f**k off and made him mad. It would be me who would end up paying. I don't think trying to make an abuser mad or confronting them is the way to go. Most likely you will be sorry.

You are right, MTC is awesome and she really knows best, from lots of experience.

=) Thanks GEM!

MTC has said some valuable wise words here!

A little bit about what happened to me regarding anger, I was in denial for ages, I was aware which is not the same as denial, I tried again with him and then one night he did his usual abusive thing but I had a break from being abused for about a month, so this (back to normal) abusive episode was literally the final straw and all of a sudden I was so offended and angry at him. I just felt with great conviction "how dare he talk to me like that, who the HELL does he think he is!!!"

And then that was the end of me and him. I did confront him, I was that angry (maybe not adviced for everyone for the reasons gem has pointed out) but I just was not will to take any more crap off him, I just knew without any doubt in my mind that he was in the wrong and I didn't have to accept it and I certainly wasn't going to allow him a chance to do it again!

But that's just my experience, everyone is different.

The fact I had a month away from him (didn't see him) and then I had some time (maybe two weeks) where he was nice and was respectful must (for me) have triggered that anger stage. I'd lived without abuse in that time frame and when it happened I just wasn't prepared to deny it anymore (denial has nothing to do with awareness)

But as MTC has stated, it will come but it will come when it's the right time and your fully ready for that part of the healing process!

I just want to add a few bits that are somewhat repetitive, but sometimes repetition helps. Firstly, you should never let anyone tell you how you "should" feel. Yes, it's likely you will get angry when you are ready to, but if you never do then that's fine too. If you do, then allow yourself that, if you don't then allow yourself what you do feel.

One of the effects of abuse is that we to an extent lose the right even to our own feelings. We spend so much time not being allowed to feel hurt ("you're just too sensitive", "I was only kidding" and so on); not allowed to feel lonely or rejected ("I'm here, aren't I?"), often not even allowed to feel sick ("you don't look that bad") or tired ("I work hard too, you know"). So you get to where you are now, and you are just so used to having someone else tell you how to feel, that you think you need it because your feelings are all stupid and wrong.

But they're not. You had every right to be hurt, confused, sad, tired, sick, whatever else you have felt that he has dismissed over the years. And you have every right to feel whatever you feel now, whether that includes anger or not.

I know you seem like the bad guy - because that's what they do. I have talked a couple of times here today (because it's been relevant a couple of times, as you say it seems to be the day's theme) about how my 2nd H was all about blaming me and being the victim. Here was a man who used to beat me, rape me, was cheating on me, stole from me, quit his job and sponged off me while telling me our marriage was over and he'd moved on, and so the list goes on. I have said a few times that short of killing me (which may well have happened, given time), there was not a single thing one can do wrong in a relationship that he didn't manage to do. He was a perfectionist! lol. And yet, when I finally called the police on him and he was convicted of assaulting me, that was my fault. When he was arrested again for breaching the restraining order, he was going to have me charged with "aiding and abetting" because I had "engineered" my beating. And when he finally did go to prison for breaching the restraining order again, guess whose fault THAT was (I was apparently "colluding" with the judge, who didn't believe any of his lies).

That's a REALLY obvious one, and yet he still managed to make every aspect of his behaviour my fault. So much easier when it's covert stuff. But it's still bullshit. You are NOT a horrible bitch (and nowhere near the MOST horrible bitch ever - you don't hold a candle to my mother for starters ;-) ). Unfortunately, though, you are going to have to accept that when it comes to him and his family, you are going to "seem" like the bad guy. Because that's what they do, not because it's true.

I totally understand what you mean. it is crazy making.
one minute they are great you think everything will be ok and the next you are "intentionally trying to hurt them"
i have been through almost that same exact scenario.
right now my husband is offering to help pay for therapy for me since I am "crazy".
i can't take the mind games any more. i just can't

Confused I so understand your feelings. I have been oiy 5 weeks now and was married 27 years. Abuse didn't start right away but was most of the marriage. He at first was I will do anything you ask counseling for drinking marriage counseling anything if you come back. Since I told him hr had to change first he told me that he is enjoying his life now that I'm gone. He does what he wants with whom he wants and doesn't have to listen to my bitching anymore. For some raason that about destroyed me! I was like are you serious?? Whose the victim here?

Its unreal the control they have. Hang in there! Mine was doing the same before I left telling what I needed to do but not changing himself. Hang in there. Its hard to not contact him but when I feel weak I come here and read post and pray.

MTC You are awesome! You are so wise and everything you say makes complete sense. It just really sucks that this crap kind of works on us.....

Thanks ooooo! =)

Everyone tells me that I just need to get angry and tell him to "F" off, but I can't bring myself to do that. Is my not being able to do that normal? Or should it be easy to be angry and should I be a cold heartless bitch?

It isn't easy at all
we have been with this type of treatment for so long that it becomes normal. If we were the ones who were abusive we would say hateful things like that I think you are Right in not Stooping to his level. that would make you just as bad as him .