I wanted to add that today he told me that I was a miserable, self-tormented gray shadow of what appears to be a woman. This hit home. This one really hurt. Because I do feel like a gray shadow. Like that is what this has done to me. These words haunt me.

Hey,

I just split up with my ex last Friday. I can say he was pretty emotionally abusive, we would fight and he would tell me that I would never have a healthy relationship, call me crazy, say horrible things about me etc. When things were good they were really good and when they were bad they were absolutely horrible. He even went on craigslist looking for other people to sleep with while we were together and like your guy, didn't contribute as much as me financially. Anyway, after finally getting my head on straight, deciding to end it and him moving out. I began to panic just as you are. I started actually trying to get him back, only to find out that after three days, he was already talking to some new woman he had met more than he had ever talked to me or allowed me to talk to him. That was my wake up call that I made the right decision. It hasn't been easy still, but over a week out, my mentality is completely different than it was. I'm excited about life again and looking to the future. Just know that you made the right decision and that you need to stick with it. We both deserve better. He sounds just awful to you and you recognize it. Just keep your head up and take it day by day. It is amazing to see the feelings that will surface going through all of this. I felt like a shadow as well and I'm feeling back to my self already. I wouldn't say myself, but back to a stronger, wiser, beautiful, stronger woman. It may be an emotional rollercoaster for a while, but lean on the people in your life that you can and start doing things that make you happy again. :) Life is amazing and full of surprises, when we least expect them.

It is scary to think about being totally alone. We humans would rather know what is going to happen, even if its a known bad outcome, than face the unknown.

But it's not that bad. It will be a relief. In the beginning, you will have more bad days than good. But that will gradually shift to more good days than bad. You will enjoy the peace. You will probably feel alone and lonely. You will You will mourn the loss of what you thought you had - what you WISHED and DREAMED you had with him but didn't.

I encourage you to find a specially trained qualified trauma recovery therapist. IMHO, this type of therapy is critical for your healing. Allow yourself as much time as you need to heal. Honor and feel your feelings.

You haven't made a horrible mistake. Please do Ilene's Clarifying Index Card Exercise. Then when you start to doubt yourself, just pull out the cards to remind yourself of who he really is.

Also, check out www.youarenotcrazy.com I think you will find a lot of validation there.

Also, as soon as he has everything out of your house, go TOTAL No Contact. Block him for all social media, your phone, email, etc. And change the locks on your doors.

Take good care of yourself.

~healing hugs~



RE: reply #1, You are NOTHING like he says. He is only projecting a REFLECTION OF HIMSELF onto you. This is why its critical to go Total No Contact.

Every time his words pop into your head, say the following out loud (or something like it)

"I am a beautiful intelligent woman filled with love and light. And, I am healing."

His exit demonstrated
for you that he's an
abuser, doin' his thing.

Surround yourself with
people who love you.

Pamper yourself.

Find a great therapist.

Do my Clarifying Index
Card exercise.

Practice extreme
SELF-CARE.

You are a flower
on the stem of
the universe and
now you'll be able
to bloom again.

Sending hugs
and wishes for
healing and
happiness.

I love what the others have had to say.

My H left me 4 months ago. It has been really rough, I have had lots of doubt (about my ability to let go, he isn't coming back regardless of how I feel).

The reason I am responding to your post is because I wanted to tell you that I, too, feel like a shadow of a woman...of a person. I'm not suggesting that his diagnosis is right, I'm talking about how you feel. Here's the thing, even though I am crying & struggling every day, there ARE moments when some other part of me is showing up. A part I thought was long dead, or maybe didn't even exist. Having the abuser out of your space is what allows this to occur.

Despite how hard, stick to no contact. This gives you time to learn how to show up for yourself & to rebuild. Some of it you will have to work for, but some of it comes naturally.

Thank you all. Thank you duvessa. That is how I feel. Like a shadow of my former self. I look in the mirror and I barely see myself. I look tired,old and depleted. I know with time I will get myself back, though I don't think ever quite the same as I was before.

No. Not the same
as before

because

you will be

STRONGER.

You are strong. You are stronger than you think. Just take a big breath and look towards the future.
You can do it.
A brilliant whole new life is ahead of you. You are going to love it.
Good luck.
Sending you strengh and courage.
:-)

Every time he tried to define you and tell you what you were, think of him as describing himself to you. He's the grey shadow of a human, not you.

Have you heard of brain-washing? That is what he has done. The more you hear him say these heartlessly cruel things--even though intellectually you know it's not true, the more it will sink in and become part of how you see yourself. Any amount of time spent with an abuser is time spent absorbing toxins.

Him leaving and you going no contact is a God-send for your soul.

If he contributed nothing, how is his leaving you crippling your financially? I'd think your costs would be going down now that he and his son are gone...

Just wondering...

Well DeliAnnem. I said I am being left a financial mess due to the lack of support in that area I am behind several payments on nearly every household bill. Yes my costs will go down but I have major catching up to do.

I am going through the same thing you are going through. My emotionally abusive bf has his own place and barely contributes financially to my household too even though he has been living with me over a month. I am ready for him to go but he won't get his things and let me be free. It is hard to let go but it is for the better. I get suckered into thinking that maybe he cares. We are both better off because we are not losing anything but gaining peace of mind. I wish you all the best on your abuse free journey.

Hugs