It is never your fault! You never deserve this! It is something "off" within your mother mentally. With or without you, she would be like this. Normal people are compassionate and caring and respectful of others. Especially mothers. We go through the nesting phase when we are pregnant and once our child is born we love like we have never loved any other, completely engulfed in love for our child unconditionally.

Not that this is the same at all to what your situation is, but I have a child with my abuser. I've stayed with my abuser for many years after I realized who he was because of my child. I've stayed and have continued to endure his abuse because of my love for my child. I'm depressed, sad, anxious most days because I have stayed with my abuser because of the love of my child. I do not ever look at my child and blame him. I do not ever feel like it's my child's fault I'm still with my abuser. I will not ever be upset with my child because of his father. Even after I leave my abuser, because of our child he will still have to remain a part of my life, and he will most likely try to make it worse than it is now, yet I still will never look at my child and feel anything but love for him. That is because I am a sane, rational, compassionate person. Your mother is not.

I hate that you take all of her faults on yourself. You are worth so much more than that. The fact that you do feel so bad and guilty is because you are so compassionate.

Your mother was a victim of abuse too, and you were born. It is not your fault, and not your responsibility to take the guilt and shame that she may feel from her. If she is blaming you for "ruining her life", she's just using that as a tactic to get to you. That's what they do, they find your pain points and they exploit them for their own thrill. My husband says the same thing to me...when we have our discussions about divorce, he ALWAYS says to me "you ruined my life". Ha! I literally laugh at that in my head every time I hear it. He was living with a relative when I met him with a decent job. He moved in to my fully furnished house that I had all on my own and he moved in with all of his possessions which were contained in two trash bags. He lost his job shortly thereafter and we got married. For the past 16 years, I have been the bread winner making at least twice what he makes, and sometimes three or four times if I had a good year at work. Three times in our marriage he didn't even have a job for months at a time. The beautiful home we have now with all of the furniture, bills paid, he gets a new car every year or so, he has many, many "toys", we go on vacations. ALL of this was possible because of me. Because if I didn't bring in the income that I have all of these years, and if he had to live on his salary alone with his spending habits, the best he could hope for would be a decent apartment. And it's not just money, I have also done all of the cooking, cleaning, care giving of the child, I even do the "man" jobs like mow the lawn, rake the leaves, clean the gutters...all while my husband sits around and offers no help. And until I was aware of his abuse a few years back, I was completely loving to him. My husband has never wanted for anything while at the same time not working hard to earn it himself. I give you this back story not to brag, but to show you that there is no way my husband could truly feel that I ruined his life, it’s quite the opposite. So, when he does say I ruined his life I remember it's quite the contrary and he is just saying that to blame me. I have given him this life.

So I tell you, when she says these things to you, it is only to get under your skin, because again, that's all they know to do. All they know is to torture you mentally until you break. She may have felt like she lost control of her mind/actions when she was raped, and now regains that control by manipulating you. Please, please, please do not believe her. Learn to laugh it off in your own mind and remind yourself of your value.