Hi Katherine, I think part of this is a result of trauma we've experienced. I also think that we tend to recreate our childhood traumas unless we address them. I really don't have an answer for you because I am on this journey myself. I have been working with a therapist, and am about to start in on some somatic experiencing treatment (you should google this to find out more about it...a great way to treat embodied traumas that affect every element of our lived experience).

All I know is that I need to heal before I can open myself up to someone else again. I want to join a support group of women and men who are recovering from the trauma of domestic violence and having just returned to my home city, I am still in the process of this.

My only advice is to perhaps stay away from online dating because I think there are more nutjobs floating about there than are present in analog society (ie in the real world). It's also where I met my last three crazy exes. :P

Also, I have found that Baggage Reclaim ( a free website about dating emotionally available men) to be really helpful in setting boundaries and identifying red flag behaviour and dating advice in general.

Hope it helps,
BK.

I have reconnected with a boyfriend I dated when I was 15... I always thought about him constantly over the years. He has really been a huge support system for me over the past 9 months and he has been a strong connection to my childhood which was completely stable and loving (and much simpler) My biggest fear is that I am unstable myself - and that my own fears scare him away (trust issues are huge!) My behaviours are not my normal pattern but with such low self-esteem, I fear that I will just drive him away... I am not the self-assured, successful woman I was in my 20's - I have lost a lot along the way....

"...... I know I have self-esteem issues which create trust problems, fear, and over analysis of behaviour."

I have a different view of this. I think perhaps the trust problems you have are that you don't trust yourself, your intuition, your instinct. When we don't trust ourselves we allow others that are untrustworthy to be in and stay in our lives and then as a result of allowing these untrustworthy people into our lives and to tolerate their abuse, our self esteem suffers as a result. And I don't believe we over analyze, in fact many of us minimize, excuse, gloss over and pretend that what we see happening is in fact not happening. I think looking for red flags and analyzing inconsistent behavior is a good thing.
I think the way to have a happy future relationship is to #1 learn to trust ourselves, look for red flags, learn to recognize and accept when someone has proven themselves to be untrustworthy and not allow them to remain in our lives so there is room for someone who is trustworthy and respectful to come into our lives, to value ourselves and to be cautiously optimistic.

Wow, Learned thank you so much! What you have just written has helped me a lot and perfect timing aswell.
I need to find wats and articles, books that help one trust oneself.

Sorry Katherine, I forgot to also write that I know EXACTLY how you are feeling. I feel the same way and I have the same fears.
I don't know who I am anymore. Can't trust myself or anybody else. It is really sad to live this way.
Hope we can find ways to get through this.

Hugs :)

I think after so much time of "over analysis", taking things back to their lowest common denominator is important. I'm sure things were a lot simpler when you were in your 20s. A lot of head games from others and so much time trying to figure out our own patterns can leave a person in a knot.

Accept who you are now, and have some fun retracing your steps. Then you may realize you actually REALLY like the person you are now, maybe even more than who you were then. It may give you some much needed rejuvination.

It really is a good idea to rediscover your intuition and trust in yourself. Take care of you for as long as you can before opening your heart to somebody else. That will ensure beautiful relationships in all areas, romantic or otherwise.

If I knew you personally, I can guarantee I could find 2 things you've "gained" for everything you've "lost". Luckily, *you* know you personally, so you can do that a little easier than me!

I really love what Learned said. The only other thing I wanted to add is that it is important to walk away from any attempt to take ownership of his actions. You want to do this or that, you worry about this or that, because you fear that you "will just drive him away". Instead of worrying about what your thoughts, feelings and actions will make him do (since you can't "make" anyone do anything) do what's best for you and be yourself. This has been a REALLY hard one for me, but I have learned to just be myself and to accept that some aspects of me are not ideal, I am working on those but they are a part of who I am and if I'm to have love, I want it to be love of who I am, not love of who I can pretend to be.

Be yourself, be the best you you can be, and do it for YOU, not for him. Be you and take the risk that maybe he will walk away - better that he does that now than that you lose yourself in trying to be who you think he might want you to be. And if he IS a good one, then he won't walk away but will appreciate your honesty in being yourself.

I haven't expressed that very well, probably because I'm struggling with it myself, but it's really paying off I think - for me anyway.

Wow - I so love having the support of all of you.... Makes me wonder why I took so long to get back here...

If I am honest, I am trying to get myself back together (job, life, missing my kids) and I do feel fragile. And I guess I fear getting hurt or left.

You are all right - I need to get my life in order for me and no one else. I have been so fortunate to have his amazing, unconditional support through some of the darkest days of my life. What's to say that my brightest days will drive him away.

I can't pinpoint what the fear is.... I know I have made all the right decisions for me, for now... I just need to get back on track and maybe I have been rushing that without healing enough. I just want to be normal again, no fear, no hurt, no crazy drama every day. I am already way farther ahead in this goal than I was 4 short months ago.

Thanks for everyone for your help and words of wisdom!

Of course you are going to have self-esteem issues and trust issues after being abused for 25 years.

Sandra Brown, MA from the Relational Institute writes many articles and has wriiten books about the aftermath of a pathological, abusive relationship. In addition, she has a women's retreat in Florida for women who have been abused.

Hugs to you.