Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.

5,836 Members

27,933 Posts

1 Online

REDOAGAIN 02/03/2015

I have never called my SO a liar, but if in stating facts a lie is relieved, he will defensively state, "Oh, so now your calling me a liar." It always throws me off because I didn't call him a liar. Yesterday, at one of these intervals instead of defending myself, I through it back at him, "No I did not, I stated the facts, you gave me three different time lines, 2mo, 6mo, and 1year. Do you think you lied?" His answer, "No, there is no point in saying something that you won't like." Huh?.... "So then its okay to tell me something thats not true, when in telling me the truth I won't make the decision you want me to, then it's not a lie? "Yes." he agreed that was his story and he was sticking to it. Wow....so lame, I have to laugh, but finally something tangible and real that I can deal with.

I've never had the balls to call him a liar. That would be very confrontational and he gets ugly and defensive. This little conversation went past the normal wall, where he does his little "how dare you accuse me" line and I just defend myself saying," no I didn't," and got some information out. This morning, I very calmly said he was lying. I'm not afraid to call it what it is now, his definition so lame. That's new.The next time he bellows out his indignation, "are you calling me a liar?" the answer will be, "yes I am."

beherenow15 02/03/2015

Im so glad you shared this because im right thete with you!! I struggle daily to let go of my resentment at being lied to so much and can relate. The crazy train is what I see survivors label it as (abusers gaslighting and smoke and mirroring their victims). It is such bull shit but the anger only hurts me and I hate holding on to anger. Better I let him reap what he sows.
Quote I love as of late "wear your tragedies as armor not shackles"

Keep sharing.

cant74deal 02/03/2015

Classic crazymaking. Pretty good how you cut through that one. WOW. It's all about how they justify things in their lizard brains.

MrEthereal 02/03/2015

Yes, call him on his lies. Don't avoid it. I used to do the same thing, avoid confrontation of any type. It made me miserable.

Today, I confront them.

I really dislike lies. Not that everyone is compulsive about it.

My youngest sister told me she lies to avoid hurting people.

I still believe that if the truth hurts, maybe they still need to hear it anyway.

bottledbreath 02/04/2015

The last few months living with my ex, I did call him a liar when I caught him in something big. He was super offended, yelled that I had no right saying that. I yelled back, "but you lied!" He didn't have anything to say about that, knowing how those arguments used to go I'm sure he changed the subject, but I still remember the look on his face. You'd think I killed Santa. Oooh it cut me so deep the way he'd look at me when he was in defense mode double-time.

Be careful calling him out. I'm not saying I was in the right the way I called him out, and I'm not saying you shouldn't stand up for what is right. But they certainly know how to make you wish you hadn't if they still have a way under your skin.

REDOAGAIN 02/04/2015

Yes, I knew when I said it that I would pay a price. I am getting the cold shoulder. And yes, it gets under my skin, but realizing just how big a liar he is is really starting to soak in. I feel anger bubbling to the surface. Maybe I'm not getting the cold shoulder, maybe he is just laying low cause he should be feeling like I should be mad about now and wondering when its going to blow.

bottledbreath 02/04/2015

If your SO is more like my ex, it's definitely the cold shoulder. Expecting you to be upset after he screwed up would require he acknowledges (on some level) he did something wrong. I used to think my ex would lay low for a few days because his ego took a hit and he didn't know how to deal with it, and I actually felt a ton of sympathy for him, but I later realized that it was only about him punishing me, and he revealed that he thought the initial injury had everything to do with something I had done/said.

DeliAnnem 02/04/2015

So, WHY are you with a liar who blames YOU when he lies???

REDOAGAIN 02/04/2015

That's why I'm in this support group instead of the healthy relationship support group.

bottledbreath 02/04/2015

Whipple2, as much as I can guess we all want you out of that relationship NOW, I remember how hard it is to work up the strength and right conditions to go. It's good that you're in this group and talking about it. And I hope you can get what you need from it to make that step.

Rosenkranz 02/04/2015

Haha, good answer.

Just for further validation, mine lied too. And (textbook), if I called him on it, it was always my fault for any variety of creative reasons. And it can be so confusing, because we just don't want to admit to ourselves that they are lying liars. But they are.

newrose2013 02/04/2015

they are so very crafty at twisting and turning words. No matter what I said one way or another, he could twist it back in a negative way to me. So much that even now that I'm away from him, I find myself overthinking every word and every sentence to how it could get twisted around. horrible. It's hard to change that but I'm working on it

REDOAGAIN 02/04/2015

Bottled, I'm sure there will be an exit at some point. It might have been today, but he is out of town until Friday night. I sure did get a big surge of anger. I was quite consumed with it all afternoon, but it's tapering off now. The analogy of the tapestry and how one little thing makes you feel all the pain from similar triggers. This time was really a big thing about lying, true, but it also came with every time I felt he was lying and denied or blamed me for his lies from a long history. This feels like the first time I really had him on something tangible, and provable, and all that back piled anger about feeling he was lying before came out too. I wish that wouldn't happen.
Delli, to answer your question better. I've broken up with him twice before. Last time we had NC for 2 years. I always end up taking him back. Until I'm confident that I can get away from him and hold to it, it's just allot of drama for nothing, and makes me look really stupid and weak.

beherenow15 02/04/2015

These are our own journeys so we go at our own pace.
Anyone who pushes me or has the audacity to question my own truth or feelings, I just detach from because I don't need that in my life.
Real support is validation, relatedness and understanding.
I'm glad you shared. It helps everyone.

REDOAGAIN 02/04/2015

Thanks Beherenow.

DeliAnnem 02/04/2015

Wow- two years is a lot. What would happen that you'd take him back?

Join the Conversation