Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
So, I am obviously going to leave while he is at work and I am going to leave him a letter. I know that in the grand scheme of things it probably doesn't matter. I am just trying to be decent and some small part of me is hoping that it will stave off the rage he is likely to feel when he realizes we are gone. Can you please read it and see if you think it conveys the finality of this move, while also not enraging him further? I'm not sure if I should just leave a note saying "Peace, out..." or really try to explain myself--what would be best?! I don't want him to get the false hope that there is any chance of he and I ever reconnecting (God knows he won't let go then!), but I also don't want to be a total b**** either. Anyway, please be honest with me...I am not really in the best position to critique my own words right now. Thanks in advance for ALL the support you guys have given me throughout the past few months. Without each of you, I would still be in the stage where I was just miserable but hopeless. You've given me back some of my determination, fire, and hope. I can never say thank you enough!!!! Hopefully, when I finally get to a better place, I will be able to give the best advice to so many others who are in this place right now. So...here goes!
Once again, you are going to ask the question why dont I simply tell you how I feel and that this isnt working. And once again, I will say to you, you wont allow me to. I have tried in so many ways to tell you that I can no longer live with your tyranny, with you treating me as if I am simply an unpaid servant and the children even worseas if they are simply flies to be disposed of when they are irritating to you. I can no longer live with your selfish, entitled attitude, and the fact that you show absolutely no appreciation, affection, or even care for anyone other than yourself. I can no longer struggle to make sure that there is enough food in the house for our children to eat, that they have the clothing and school supplies that they need, and that I can make it back and forth to work to provide these things to themall while going without the dental and medical care I needwhile you continue to spend money freely on cars, RVs, clothing, and trips for you. I can no longer be your verbal punching bag, spoken to like I am no better than a piece of garbage on the street, and allow our children to think that this is okaythat it is healthy and what a relationship is about.
There is no discussing this with you, because when I try to say this, you explode in a rage of how you are being mistreated and you become downright threatening and scaryto all of us.
I am nearing 40 now. Our children are teenagersabout to move out and make their own decisions on relationships and life. We have not given them a very solid foundation in which to do this. I have begged and pleaded with you to be a father to themto give them guidance and loveand what I get in return is you yelling that that ship has sailed and they havent earned it from you. So, passively I sat by thinking that one day you would come to your senses and try to show them that you love them and want what is best for them. It has been a painful realization to come to that someday will never come, and that in the interimwhile I was waiting for you to grow up and realize how precious they areit was destroying them emotionally. I cant place the entire blame on you, and Im not, for I played a starring role in this mess, but I can say that I have finally realized that to stay here and do nothing, is effectively telling them that they dont matter. They arent important enough to have a happy, healthy childhood filled with laughter and love. Not to mention that I am allowing them to think that I dont deserve it eithera lie I apparently was telling myself as well.
I have given you 18 years of my life. My entire growing up time has been spent trying to be something unrealistic. In the beginning, I believed that I didnt know any better, that I didnt deserve any betterafter all, you were smart enough to realize that this was what I had seen and been taught my whole life. It has taken a lot of soul searching, and a massive amount of love for my children, for me to see how stupid this lie is and has always been. I loved you so much. I wanted so badly to have the happy family life I was denied as a child. I would have gone to the ends of the earth to make things work out, and to give that to my children. Unfortunately, we were not on the same page. I let myself become a victim to your bullying and abusive behavior. I let you beat me down and convince me that this was the best life had to offer. I am sure it was a great laugh for you and your friends that you had a slave in your house who jumped ten feet whenever you gave orders. Well, as you so succinctly put when talking about developing a relationship with our children That ship has sailed. I am so over that.
I am asking you not to make this any harder on everyone than it has to be. I am asking you to step back and give me the space I need to get to a better place in my life. Dont call me twenty times a day trying to convince me how much you have changed and how sorry you are for all the damage you have doneI already know how that story unfolds, been there done that. Dont follow me around or have people monitor my whereabouts to scare me eitheragain, that time has passed. This time, if you insist on doing that, I will be forced to take legal action against you. This is something I have been trying to avoid in order to not cause you problems with your job, but if you insist on being scary, you will leave me with no choice. If you are truly serious about making changes, than show me by your actions. I would love nothing more than for you to have an honest, sincere, strong, healthy, and loving relationship with your three daughters and Jordan. In order to do that, though, you need to be willing to do the hard work of working on yourselfthrough therapy and so much more. You can no longer think of them as in the way of our relationship and just part of the outside worldthey are part of you also. I dont know if it is too late for your relationship with your children. A lot of damage has been done, damage even I wasnt aware of until recently. And God knows they deserve to be loved, for themselvesnot because they are little robots who perform on command!!!
I pray that you find peace and happiness in your life. I believe that you deserve that too, and you cant possibly be at peace when you are causing so much chaos and turmoil in the lives of the only people who truly would have supported and loved you no matter what. You cant possibly be happy and content when you are constantly negative and screaming and rolling your eyes and threatening the people you profess to love. So..I pray that you find that peace and happiness.
Once again, you are going to ask the question why dont I simply tell you how I feel and that this isnt working. And once again, I will say to you, you wont allow me to. I have tried in so many ways to tell you that I can no longer live with your tyranny, with you treating me as if I am simply an unpaid servant and the children even worseas if they are simply flies to be disposed of when they are irritating to you. I can no longer live with your selfish, entitled attitude, and the fact that you show absolutely no appreciation, affection, or even care for anyone other than yourself. I can no longer struggle to make sure that there is enough food in the house for our children to eat, that they have the clothing and school supplies that they need, and that I can make it back and forth to work to provide these things to themall while going without the dental and medical care I needwhile you continue to spend money freely on cars, RVs, clothing, and trips for you. I can no longer be your verbal punching bag, spoken to like I am no better than a piece of garbage on the street, and allow our children to think that this is okaythat it is healthy and what a relationship is about.
There is no discussing this with you, because when I try to say this, you explode in a rage of how you are being mistreated and you become downright threatening and scaryto all of us.
I am nearing 40 now. Our children are teenagersabout to move out and make their own decisions on relationships and life. We have not given them a very solid foundation in which to do this. I have begged and pleaded with you to be a father to themto give them guidance and loveand what I get in return is you yelling that that ship has sailed and they havent earned it from you. So, passively I sat by thinking that one day you would come to your senses and try to show them that you love them and want what is best for them. It has been a painful realization to come to that someday will never come, and that in the interimwhile I was waiting for you to grow up and realize how precious they areit was destroying them emotionally. I cant place the entire blame on you, and Im not, for I played a starring role in this mess, but I can say that I have finally realized that to stay here and do nothing, is effectively telling them that they dont matter. They arent important enough to have a happy, healthy childhood filled with laughter and love. Not to mention that I am allowing them to think that I dont deserve it eithera lie I apparently was telling myself as well.
I have given you 18 years of my life. My entire growing up time has been spent trying to be something unrealistic. In the beginning, I believed that I didnt know any better, that I didnt deserve any betterafter all, you were smart enough to realize that this was what I had seen and been taught my whole life. It has taken a lot of soul searching, and a massive amount of love for my children, for me to see how stupid this lie is and has always been. I loved you so much. I wanted so badly to have the happy family life I was denied as a child. I would have gone to the ends of the earth to make things work out, and to give that to my children. Unfortunately, we were not on the same page. I let myself become a victim to your bullying and abusive behavior. I let you beat me down and convince me that this was the best life had to offer. I am sure it was a great laugh for you and your friends that you had a slave in your house who jumped ten feet whenever you gave orders. Well, as you so succinctly put when talking about developing a relationship with our children That ship has sailed. I am so over that.
I am asking you not to make this any harder on everyone than it has to be. I am asking you to step back and give me the space I need to get to a better place in my life. Dont call me twenty times a day trying to convince me how much you have changed and how sorry you are for all the damage you have doneI already know how that story unfolds, been there done that. Dont follow me around or have people monitor my whereabouts to scare me eitheragain, that time has passed. This time, if you insist on doing that, I will be forced to take legal action against you. This is something I have been trying to avoid in order to not cause you problems with your job, but if you insist on being scary, you will leave me with no choice. If you are truly serious about making changes, than show me by your actions. I would love nothing more than for you to have an honest, sincere, strong, healthy, and loving relationship with your three daughters and Jordan. In order to do that, though, you need to be willing to do the hard work of working on yourselfthrough therapy and so much more. You can no longer think of them as in the way of our relationship and just part of the outside worldthey are part of you also. I dont know if it is too late for your relationship with your children. A lot of damage has been done, damage even I wasnt aware of until recently. And God knows they deserve to be loved, for themselvesnot because they are little robots who perform on command!!!
I pray that you find peace and happiness in your life. I believe that you deserve that too, and you cant possibly be at peace when you are causing so much chaos and turmoil in the lives of the only people who truly would have supported and loved you no matter what. You cant possibly be happy and content when you are constantly negative and screaming and rolling your eyes and threatening the people you profess to love. So..I pray that you find that peace and happiness.
what you've endured.
So relieved to hear
you don't feel a need
to share it with him.
Yes. Keep it for
YOURSELF.
The day you leave,
think of it as escaping
from the enemy.
Don't leave anything
behind to find you
with, or to
manipulate you with.
When you are SAFELY
away, THEN, you can
let him know that
you're gone for good.
(He KNOWS why.)
Make sure you've left
nothing behind that
you'll need or want.
Accept that there is
NO GOING BACK.
Remember that
he is DANGEROUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sending you hugs
and prayers for
all good things.
I said something
that was glib
and probably
wrong. . . .
about him
knowing why
you're leaving.
Abusive people in
general, and yours
in particular, has
no actual insight
into their behavior
or anyone else's.
What he believes
is that everything
he does is great
and everything
anyone else
does is either
stupid or wrong.
And at the end
of the day, it
doesn't matter
a tuppence
what he
thinks,
believes,
desires,
says,
or does
(except when
it comes to
matters of
SAFETY)..
He has a
track record
of being
abusive
and
DANGEROUS.
That's all
that matters.
Nothing you could
have written to him. . .
no matter how
brilliantly articulated. . . . .
would have
enabled him
to "get it."
He has never
gotten it and
he never will.
GET AWAY SAFELY.
What actually happened was that anything I wrote would be used against me. He used it in several ways. Sometimes, he would be friendly and I'd get suckered into a seemingly rational conversation with him, only to have it degenerate when he didn't get what he wanted. Sometimes he would turn around the things I said and say I did them (for example, he told me I was abusing him). Sometimes, he would just argue with what I'd said and keep it going as long as he could.
In the end, I learned that he would never understand. He was incapable of thinking like we do. All he could see was what he wanted and thought he was entitled to.
At this point I stopped responding to him. I would still provide information about the kids but if he said anything to me, I just ignored it. This really annoyed him. He started making little gibes in our communication book to try to make me angry so I'd pay him attention. I ignored those as well. Eventually he gave us and stopped writing in it.
I tell you this because some of my early communication with him was emails trying to tell him why I left. ANYTHING from those that he could he used as a weakness and tried to use it against me. I told him he was emotionally abusive so he googled the term and found Daily Strength. He created a login here and started posting about how reformed he was and then sent me emails telling me he was posting here so I'd come and look. He tried to get the phone number of at least one woman from this site and did manage to convince her to give him her email address. He read up about abuse and used what he learned to try to make me think I was crazy. He also may have used his new understanding of it to sucker in his next girlfriend who had previously abused. He certainly managed to convince her that it's the victim's fault because she later tried to convince me of that.
When you leave, they don't need or deserve an explanation. He's forfeited his right to an explanation. I'll bet you've tried to let him know there's a problem many times over the years and you would be no more successful now, though he would likely fake understanding.
Giving him more fodder would only prolong your interactions with him.
If you leave him a letter, make it simple. "I'm not coming back."
based on Lifebutnotasweknowit's
brilliantly articulated response.
Many abusers, particularly the
one's with more than half a
brain, will use a sly technique
that I call "co-opting the victim's
best argument." In a physical
situation, it would be like
someone who's commiting
an assault, grabbing the
weapon that the victim
has in her/his hands, to
use as protection against
attack. But the attacker
grabs it away and uses
the weapon to further
intimidate and attack
the now totally-defenseless
victim.
It's one of the reasons
a target of abuse will
come out worse from
couple counceling than
if s/he had never gone
at all.
When the abuser either
reluctantly or willingly
attends therapy with
his/her victim ---- once
they're there, they use
whatever they've learned
from either the victim or
the therapist ----- to
FURTHER ATTACK
the victim.
In private, whether in
a therapy session, a
communication like the
ones so many of us have
attempted, to try and "reach"
the abuser with how they've
hurt us, or what we may feel
guilty about or what they've
learned about the dynamics
of abuse, or any other piece
of information or vulnerability ------
they'll use ANYTHING and
EVERYTHING at their
disposal, to further
advance their agenda
of manipulation
and CONTROL.
It's STANDARD STUFF.
It's common knowledge
in a courtroom setting that
a lawyer should never ask
a question they don't know
the answer to, and also
that the LESS a witness
says on the stand. . . . .
the better. Because
anything that comes
out and is documented
in the record, is fodder
for the opposing side
to use to its advantage.
It's the same in the
cirucmstance of abuse.
The less shared,
the less that can
be co-opted and
used agains the
victim to further
abuser her/him.
Best tactic of all?
No contest. . . . . it's
NO CONTACT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm so sorry he let you down yet again. I'm glad it helped give you the clarity tho. And I think it's a great idea to hold into the letter. So down the road as you heal and become whole again, you can see all the progress you've made.
Lifebut
Thank you for sharing your story. I'm amazed at the lengths in which he went - finding DS, opening an acct, etc. that's crazy. I'm glad you are free from him.
Sending strength and hugs,