Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Hi all,
I am very new to all of this and have just joined this group so I hope someone can understand. I am in an emotionally, sexually and financially abusive relationship with my boyfriend for over a year now and despite many attempts to leave, have always believed his empty promises, his lies and felt sorry for his struggles and tried to understand him and change myself to make him happy. He has done terrible things to me, some I have almost had to block out in my mind just to be able to go on and cope with my life. There have been some times when he was nice, especially at the start of our relationship, I fell head over heels in love with him and he treated me so special. As time went on this was less and less and any "good times" were short lived and were only when he needed something from me. I have lived in a fantasy in many ways hoping against hope he would change and just treat me better.
I have tried everything to change myself and make the relationship work but it seems impossible. I have given him so much of myself and my love to him and I have gotten close to nothing in return only heartache.
This is my first real relationship (I am 22 years old) and I think a big part of my reason for staying with this person is because I have no experience of anything else or anything better. I have a very supportive family and good friends but have been quite isolated from them due to being with him. They have all told me he is abusive and very bad for me but sometimes, even now, I don't want to believe it.
He has put me down a lot, blamed me for every problem and pointed out so many flaws about me inside and out. Sometimes I feel worthless and as though I cannot live without him. No one I have ever met in my life to date has treated me so bad like this. But when he says he loves me, wants to marry me etc. I still sometimes hope I can change the situation and make him understand my point of view but it never happens. I know I have to leave but I feel very helpless and shattered and don't know if I have any strength left. I used to be a very ambitious and determined person before this yet at the moment I feel lifeless, heartbroken and lacking any self-belief.
I would really appreciate any feedback, perhaps from someone who has successfully left and abusive partner and how they got the emotional distant and empowerment to make the initial decision to leave him despite still feeling in love with an abuser.
Thank you
I have never lived through such a relationship, so I don't have personal advice, but I have compassion for your struggle. I hope you are able to get out soon and live the full life you're meant to.
Find a counselor who can help you find your ambition and drive! It is highly unlikely that he is going to change. Ever. It is extremely likely to only get worse. And you are worth so much more!!! You deserve to be loved by someone who will absolutely cherish you.
I just recently left. I don't know how I found the strength. Counseling that validated what I already knew!! But. I waited too long. Till we hit rock bottom. We went from having everything to struggling to survive. I blame myself so I have to constantly remind myself "I didn't do this. He ruined our lives. His choices."
I keep thinking if I had just been better, done this or that differently. My counselor keeps reminding me it was NEVER going to be "enough" for my husband. I don't think I could have left him without her. So find yourself a good counselor who is educated on emotional abuse.
<hugs>
going through.
I have some things I want
to share with you, but my
schedule this morning
doesn't allow me the
time, right now.
It's possible to leave
an abusive relationship.
It's not easy but many
of us here have
successfully left
and reclaimed our lives.
I'll write more, later.
It is the same way with sex if I try to say I don't want to do something he gets very angry and one night he shouted at me to get out and locked me out of the house because I refused to have sex with him and I got upset. A lot of the time since then I just give in and do whatever he wants just so he won't get mad with me. To be honest I am quite afraid of him as he is physically strong and very aggressive sexually.
However when he is in a good mood and being nice to me even for a few minutes of a day, he is totally opposite, he sings love songs to me and hugs me and says he wants to grow old with me. I just wish he could be like this all the time but it is seldom anymore I see the good side of him.
I think the constant giving in to him and having no respect from him, has led me to a place of hopelessness and low self esteem. Anytime I left before, he told me how much he loved me and needed me and how it would break him if I left so I went back hoping it may be better but instead it actually got worse everytime after I went back.
Hearing feedback from someone who has escaped this situation means a lot to me because I believe if even one other person found the strength I can too. I would appreciate some practical steps/advice of how to make the initial move away from him and get some clarity and distance from him and the things he says/does to me so that I can leave.
Thank you all again so much x
right off the bat, is to
visit your nearest
women's center.
They'll have people
there who can provide
support to you in a
variety of ways. One
of those ways may be
to set you up with a
counselor who can
help get your head
clear enough to see
that someone who's
doing to you what
your abuser is doing,
isn't showing you love.
Another way to get your
head clear is to do an
exercise I developed
called Ilene's Clarifying
Index Card exercise.
It's here on the board
somewhere. I'll see if
I can find it and bump
it. Many people have
used it and found it
valuable. It's designed
to see behavior patterns
over the course of time.
Whatever you do, don't
try to talk with or reason
with your abuser about
his behavior. Doing this
is not merely futile, it can
put you at greater risk.
As for him being sweet
at times. . . . . As Rosenkranz
said, above. . . . . that's just
more abuse. In fact, that's
even more insidious abuse
because it's disguised as
being loving.
What you've described is
textbook abuse.
Please be very careful.
Leaving is never easy
and is a time of increased
risk from the abuser. When
the day comes that you're
ready to go, you'll benefit
from having a solid support
network.
Sending you hugs and
wishes for safety,
clarity and better
days ahead.
I understand it's not just easy to leave. I actually left, but now trying to get a divorce is full of manipulation of how can I do this to our kids and break my vows guilt. Currently I'm getting the I love you so much and the mean words came from frustration and hurt crap. I just say uh huh, okay, i hear you....and I still am working on my plan to have him served. Last week I was a whore.
It's possible. It's hard. You need to have the support system next to you and with you (NOT PRESSURING YOU). You take the steps at the rate you want to. Have a plan. The women's center will help you with that.
You can do this. You are a strong woman. Once you realize his words are because HE IS WEAK, not because you are, you will puff that chest out and say "GET OUT." And have that 911 text ready (yes they accept texts now (in my area at least)!!! Have it set with your address, and the situation - like verbal abuse, sexual abuse, financial abuse, won't leave - or something of that sort. It gives you a power to know you can just hit send and know someone will help you soon.
HE is weak. YOU are strong. Remember that.
I hope that all made sense... :) But he will not change. I'm sorry. I have been waiting (and hoping) for change for 22 years and instead i have 2 kids who will have to deal with a split home :(
Good luck...we are hear for you. But the womens center will be the best thing you do.