Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I blocked him, both on my phone and facebook. I usually can do NC for around 9 months before he gets to me. I think this time, it was the dread of the upcoming holidays combined with the estrangement of my younger brother and his family.
I am not made of stone. Believe me their are days I wish I were. That I could stop feeling. I try to shove down the hurt and the bitterness I feel towards those that stomp on me and it just turns to anger. Both toward them and towards myself.
My counselor will be away for until November. So even if she could help..oh well.
I feel like giving up. He wins again. He is not even fazed by turning away. He probably has replaced me once again and will always have someone, meanwhile I am alone, still, almost 4 years of this, other than my crawling back to him. Hard to believe an addict has a happier life than someone who doesn't use and barely even drinks. I don't even fit in anywhere.
Maybe I am the one with issues?
Then the trying to build something to make a difference. What a joke. I barely have time for myself, working at least 40 hrs a week and Saturdays. How did I think I could raise my favorite breeds of dogs to help the causes I wanted, animal shelters-rescues and cancer research? Pipe dreams. I barely have the time to do the basic care of the dogs. Thinking about just selling or placing the dogs now and giving up.
Then my health..I barley eat and can't take off to get to the dr. I either throw up or have bowel problems. I battle depression and migraines. Yet I manage to get to work.
I am tired. I feel like what is really the point. I find no happiness anymore.
sorry...just feeling like the only time I have peace is in sleep now
I am not made of stone. Believe me their are days I wish I were. That I could stop feeling. I try to shove down the hurt and the bitterness I feel towards those that stomp on me and it just turns to anger. Both toward them and towards myself.
My counselor will be away for until November. So even if she could help..oh well.
I feel like giving up. He wins again. He is not even fazed by turning away. He probably has replaced me once again and will always have someone, meanwhile I am alone, still, almost 4 years of this, other than my crawling back to him. Hard to believe an addict has a happier life than someone who doesn't use and barely even drinks. I don't even fit in anywhere.
Maybe I am the one with issues?
Then the trying to build something to make a difference. What a joke. I barely have time for myself, working at least 40 hrs a week and Saturdays. How did I think I could raise my favorite breeds of dogs to help the causes I wanted, animal shelters-rescues and cancer research? Pipe dreams. I barely have the time to do the basic care of the dogs. Thinking about just selling or placing the dogs now and giving up.
Then my health..I barley eat and can't take off to get to the dr. I either throw up or have bowel problems. I battle depression and migraines. Yet I manage to get to work.
I am tired. I feel like what is really the point. I find no happiness anymore.
sorry...just feeling like the only time I have peace is in sleep now
He wrote that just for you. Back in the days before my abuser hid his dating site profile, he wrote messages for me on it. For months, he simply lifted the words off my profile, either to piss me off or to suggest we were looking for the same thing (probably some of each).
For a while, he boasted "I am not controlling" which almost made me spit coffee out of my nose.
Often, he switched 2 profiles back and forth, depending upon whether or not I was online. If I was, he was looking for his life, partner. If I wasn't, he was grousing about how this was the twenty-first century, and it shouldn't be this hard to get laid. I worked it out so that I could go on and watch him switch the profile from "dirtbag" to "soulmate." He had appropriate photos to go with each.
After I wrote about him unfavorably, in my journal here, he posted a photo of himself digging up my perennial garden in his underwear and smirking into the camera. Yes, he joined this forum, under an alias, and friended me. Isn't that sweet?
When he could take no more of me commenting on his dating profile, in my private journal on here, he hid his profile.
I am telling you this just so you understand how this works. I'm not proud of it. It's not going on anymore, but I just want you to understand that he has an axe to grind. He's not happy either. And He's making up stuff in order to project the blame onto you.
That kind of thing certainly doesn't make for a very attractive dating profile. If you didn't know him, would you be attracted to that man? He's on there downing his ex.
We unburden ourselves here. We sure shouldn't be doing that on a dating site.
Hang in, there, joanie. It is going t get better.
Hugs.
That dig kind of hurt. "
That was supposed to say " someone who is NOT pissed off at the world all the time.
He also said he was looking for what we are all looking for, a best friend for life.
Uh excuse me, but a friend with benefits is a bit different than a best friend. And I might add, you respect, value and cherish a best friend.
Oh well.
Oddly enough he has not viewed my profile, but I have had a few view that have no photos. It's possible he has multiple accounts, but either way, I still have remained strong and not contacted him, even though that dug at me.
I was even kind in my ad and mentioned that I can have just as much fun Roller skating as I can going to an Arts Theatre. These are things he did with me and I did truly enjoy them.
He was not all bad and he did have manners.
The only thing I mentioned that might be negative in his mind is that I put on my profile I was looking for someone who had their priorities straight and put their work, friends, family before alcohol or drugs. I said a drink now and then socially was ok, but not every night.
I did not mention that my ex boyfriend had a drug problem or the ones before had alcohol problems.
I just want little drama in life and addictions bring it. I also am really trying to take care of me finally and can't do that if I am enabling addictive behavior.
I am not even really angry at him, just at the fact that he had to lie about who he was in the first place because as he put it, he wanted me and that was the only way to get me.
I am more disappointed than anything.
I have honestly tried to be friends with him as a part of me still cares for him and his welfare but he manipulates me to badly and for my own well being, I can't do it.
I truly hope he will get into rehab, but at 47 years of age and being addicted since his teen years, I just don't see it.
I hope with further therapy and work on myself, I can stop thinking about him and how he is doing. I truly am bothered that he dislikes me, but ...
Thank you for your words and support kris7167 and I am sorry you have been through what you have.
Clearly, he meant to make a dig at you on his dating profile. Very low class of him. Invariably, the sorts of people who do this on dating profiles are not telling the truth. Don't take it to heart. You know it isn't true. Everyone who reads it knows it isn't true because people with integrity don't use dating profiles to take swipes at exes.
I do have specific things listed on my dating profile that I am looking for and these inculde opposite traits of my P ex, like honesty and integrity. I also say that if a man is addicted to porn, we are not going to be a match. That is an opposite trait of my ex, but I don't say it in accusatory language, suggesting a stab at an ex. I came to understand that porn addicts often multi-task, talking to women on dating sites, and I definitely wanted to post a stop sign to those men (such as my ex).
It sounds like your dating proile is respectful of your past with him, refering to positive experiences. As well, you have taken some of your lessons from that relationship and stated them as priorites for you next relationship, without slinging mud at an ex.
Of course, you are disappointed that he lied to you. And I know it is painful to see an ex back on a dating site lying again, just like he lied to you. You can't be friends with someone who keeps lying, joanie. Or who keeps manipluating or abusing you, in any way. You can't even heal your wounds from that person without cutting off contact completely because contact keeps re-opening those old wounds.
I don't believe he really dislikes you. He dislikes that you have shown a light on his secrets and his darkness. He prefers to call the darkness you. He does not want to face himself and you tried to show him the turth.
Over on a site called psychopathfree, they call any of this social media peeking "contact." So, if you do it, you are not fully NC. Everyone is very forgiving, however, and we all admit to doing it on a regular basis. It's better not to, though. I just thought I should say that.
I'm sorry for what you have, and are, going through, too, joanie.
I believe over all my profile is positive and I took the high road. I even put in the fact that I enjoyed rollerskating as much as a fancy theatre date ( he took me to both) to show in case he did view, that I harbored no hard feelings. He does have good qualities.
I did notice when logging on today, I had as I have had, anonoymous profile views (no photos) which I have been wondering if they are him, but then he viewed with his own profile twice today, so I was being paranoid.
I am not really worried about him contacting me for 2 reasons. He viewed me twice and did not message me, and I am not a paid member yet, so I can't read the messages anyway.
In my heart, I truly wish he would get himself into rehab and take care of himself. I honestly believe if he would do so, he is a good person deep down.
I do not dislike him, I just cannot be with him because I am not tough enough to detach from his addictions and behavioral issues.