Joanie,

Do you have any plans for hurting yourself-I am sorry to be so blunt but I hear you reaching out and I have to ask. Please don't hurt yourself-things can get better-even if it doesn't seem like it right now! Is there anything that helps you in the moment when you feel like this? These feelings will pass, it just takes being strong right now, in this moment.

You are not the one with issues. Your piece of crap ex just contacted you again-pulled the rug right out from under you-again. He knows all the buttons to push. He got you all stirred up! Whenever my ex contacts me (which I don't read his emails-but sometimes I peek into the email folder his emails get sent to just to see if he's still harassing me) I get all those old feelings back-just like when I was in the abusive relationship-it's like I'm right back in it. It helps me not to read them. It's lessons the effect. How much to you think his contact has on the intensity of your depression at the moment? It's a set back, but you can move forward again.

You are stronger than you know-look at the evidence-look at what you DO and have survived. I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I wish I could make it go away for you.

Joanie, cant74deal is right, you aren't the one with issues. They mess us up so badly, but they are the ones who are behind it, not us.

(((HUGS)))

Believe me, you should have seen me some days! I came on here, but was fit for little else - stuck in PJs, feeling like crying, hardly able to get out of bed and drag myself to volunteering...

It`s not your fault, and you're doing the best you can in REALLY crappy circumstances, created by him. If you feel like you need to take some stuff off your plate to take care of yourself better, then maybe do that. You deserve special attention and to have your needs attended to. But please don`t do anything to harm yourself.

We love you, and are here for you. Massive hugs xxx

There is a point. You are better than him. The reason he can go on like nothing has happened is because he/they don't have empathy like normal compassionate human beings.

You may feel tired or weak at the moment. It's ok, you are not alone. I have shared with you, my lowest feelings too of why bother..suicide ideation, crisis intervention saying, "it's not your time". Ha.

And it's not because Joanie you can't let the abusers win. Your spirit is tired and needs healing. Look at it this way, many people are with their families and can't stand them around the holidays. Try to have a plan. I've spent many of mine in bed but I'm ok now. Like I said before if we lived close we wd have a hot beverage together.

Also, please don't pressure yourself about the dogs..that's a lot of work..,do u know u run out of cat food all the time?! And I have one cat...ok so he's fat. I live by a motto now..that I'm ok with being just good enough. Life can really suck and you have to protect yourself. And if course there's much talk about self care here. And I need practice with that. Stress.

I really admire that you can go no contact for 9 months. I've never gone that long. I keeping by a thread. Y? Bcz of finances, maybe deeper issues? We, in the cycle of abuse have weaknesses that are deep rooted, possibly, created in infancy, who knows. Reasons y we keep thinking about them. It's ok, just don't be hard on yourself about it because you don't deserve it. I know what a good person you are.

I reread and I run out of cat food..ah

U know sometimes I don't even feel adequate enough to respond to posts. I force myself.

Here I go preaching again.,it's almost like it becomes a bad habit of chastising myself..how did I let this happen? Etc. but I know there are going to b ok days and possibly very gloomy days down the line. I feel u. But there r gonna b some better days ahead too

Joanie the way I cope with this is, I imagine him having fun and a good time, I imagine him with another woman, and why, do you ask? Because then I can accept it. I cry of course, but the reality is, they will go on, because they don't want to face the reality of who they really are. He may "think" he is moving on, but it's gonna go from one woman to the next, until he finds one that is just like him, a user.

I know this isin't comforting to you, but it helps if you can see this as this is really how it is. You get to a point where it's either sink or swim. You need to swim to shore, you can do so much with your life, without him. I know it get's lonely believe me I do, I wish I had a job to go to 1/2 my battle would be won. And you know what I found out today when I went to my class, our shelters here partner up with the ASPCA American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals so while these women are in shelters, they take the animals and take care of them while she goes to transition housing and help them get back on their feet again. And they get the animal back after 90 days.
I think you just need a purpose hun, you have to feel hopeful that there is so much more for you out there than any man can give you.

ACTION is going to get you out of this funk. I wish i was close to you I would just love to hear your story.

You know this reminds me of one time, looooonnnnnngggg time ago, I went out with this man, we were on a date, and I could sense that he was really hurting, so something inside him just started pouring his heart out to me, I felt so bad for him, all he could tell me was how he loved his wife so much of I think 20 years and how she ran off with his best friend. The guy was so heartbroken, all I could do was sit there and listen, he kept apologizing to me and I said please continue, I didn't mind at all, he even cried, and I just felt so horrible for him, but I think it helped him, he didn't even know me that I would sit there and listen to him, and we were on a date!!!

I say this because sometimes you just need to sit with someone and just let everything go, do you have anyone you can talk to and try not to isolate yourself, and if you ever need to talk you can inbox me, I can hear this stuff all day and really it wouldn't bother me in the least bit.

((((hugs))) please know that you are truly loved and you are going to be ok. There is a hope in hopeless.

YOu need to get a book called believe you can by John Mason the power of positive attitude, it's a good read, I recommend it.I will leave you with one excerpt:

A man is not finished when he is defeated. He is finished when he quits.

Anyone can quit, Have the courage to live.

Where there is no vision, the people will perish book of Proverbs (29:18) It's not the absense of things that makes you unhappy - it's the absense of vision.

I'm going to say what a lot of therapists have said to me. You're being really hard on yourself. It's never initially made me feel any better to hear that but I think it helps to see things put into perspective.

Here's what you're dealing with:
- massive amounts of past abuse
- current abuse from your ex
- an absent counsellor
- estrangement of your younger brother and family
- holidays coming up
- severe depression
- working all the time

That's a HUGE amount to be dealing with. You're actually dealing with it all VERY WELL! Ok, so you contacted your ex, but I think under the circumstances, its perfectly understandable and I think ANYONE would have found it very difficult not to do the same.

You're not weak or defective. You're the opposite. You've been given far more to deal with in life than the average person ever needs to deal with and it sounds like you're having to deal with it all on your own. You're a very strong person.

I think in order to feel happier, you need to take some of the stresses out of your life. I don't know what your financial situation is like, but do you really need to be working that many hours? Is there any way you could work fewer hours at your current job, or do a different job where fewer hours are required?

On your one day off, do you do anything to make yourself happy? You should devote the day to yourself. Write a list of things you would enjoy and work through the list. It should be a list where you treat you, rather than someone else (i.e. not something like giving money to a charity or helping someone else out, but selfish things). If you have money to do it, go to a theatre show, or the cinema, or buy something nice for yourself. Or look up free events in your area, play a computer game you enjoy, hang out with a friend or just relax and pamper yourself with bubble baths and foods you love.

Maybe there are less stressful ways that you could look after dogs and help people. Is there a guide dog/assistance dog training school near you? Sometimes they need people who can look after the dogs they're training by having them in their homes, just during the evenings and overnight. Are there locals or schemes where people need someone to look after their dogs for them for short periods? Or maybe there's someone who could help you out with your dogs when you're feeling too overwhelmed? Perhaps someone could walk them for you or play with them during the day for you whilst you're at work?

I don't think your ex is happier than you. I don't know your ex, but if he's a psychopath and if he's anything like mine, then he's not happier. I don't think my ex is capable of feeling happy, just like he's not capable of feeling love. He's not really capable of feeling anything. He probably keeps going to new girls and drinking and taking drugs because he wants to feel happy and is searching for a way to feel it. He wants to feel something. It's possible he'd even want to feel sadness just because its better than feeling completely dead inside, which is how he feels all the time, no matter what. You win because you are capable of feeling happy. It is possible for you to feel happy. It will never be possible for him.

If you want to remain no contact, could you maybe delete him from your phone and facebook as well as just blocking him? Maybe get a new number for yourself? If you completely delete and forget his number, it's harder to get in touch with him. If you need to look him up and re-add him on facebook, it's harder than just needing to click an unblock button. You should make it as hard as possible to contact him again.

I don't know how things work where you are but I assume it would be similar to here. If you ever feel like you're about to take your own life, please don't do it. Please take yourself to your nearest emergency centre at a hospital and tell them what you're planning to do. They'll look after you and they'll help to make your life better. You'll get medication, attention from therapists and a break from work. They'll give you the support you need. It will be better than taking your own life and who knows, maybe you'll get a much better, happier life afterwards?

Also, could you go on holiday during the holidays? It might help you to be away somewhere and totally devoting yourself to self indulging and making yourself happy rather than dealing with people who might make you unhappy and other stressful stuff. You could look forward to your holiday rather than dreading things and you might meet new friends whilst away.

I guarantee your ex isn't moving on any happier. Every time he moves on, he's got the illusion stuck in his head that he's better off, but he's not because he never learned a darn thing. And a lot of times, abusers will make it seem like their life is all good and dandy, even when it's not, because they can't stand the idea that they may not be perfect.

You're going through a ton right now. You really truly are. It'd be crazy if you weren't feeling overwhelmed! For some of us, we hit a super rough spot at the worst time possible. It can hurt a lot and can wreck our faith in the world and this life, but it's not like that forever. You're haven't failed by any means if you have to take something off your plate; there's no issue in admitting there's too much going on.

I agree with everything bottled said! Especially the part that they haven't learned anything, it takes too much time to dig deep.

Thank you everyone for your kind words and support
Just kind of numb
Keeping up with work and dogs so that's good, sleeping when I can.
Still no contact but feeling hopeless. Just no real happiness or connection with anyone. Maybe for the best..than no one can hurt me.
Thinking I will see if I notice any difference in the almost 3 wks my therapist will be gone. If not, probably going to stop going
I have handled most of this crap for 40 yrs and not dead yet
Maybe the constant bringing up of old wounds is making it worse.
Anyway thanks for listening to me whine.

Hi Joanie. No contact is hard. When I went to the trauma program for women, and I did not go willingly...isolation was a very big result or symptom (that's a better word) for victims of abuse and trauma.

I went bcz I felt hopeless, like y bother with life and even thought about ways to say goodbye to my children, who could take care if my cat, how I could get rid of my belongings...I would find pleasure in fantasizing about ways that I would die...because I could finally find some relief from depression, guilt, disappointment in myself.

I don't remember if we talked about the women's trauma program, but I was sent there by my therapist because she said that she and the counselor at the women's shelter found me caught in that wheel of abuse and with PTSD and suicidal tendencies. I couldn't help myself. I guess I am lucky to be in a job that I can switch the hours around and I hv state medical, but I got into the program. And I felt like a hater when I got there. But I was wondering, if there were any programs like that around where u live, how ur medical insurance is and if u cd take a leave if absence from work? U don't hv to answer but that was the criteria used for some women there.

Some stayed one month, out patient 9-3, others half days. I was there for 3 months.

Isolation is indeed a very common symptom. I still isolate myself quite a bit in comparison to who I was before my relationship, but I feel me creeping back little by little the longer I'm out of it. I can't see the difference in me day-to-day, but when I look back a couple months at a time, it's a whole world of difference.

I'd love if there were a way I could tell you how I know things will be better for you some day, because not having a lot to back it up with probably makes it sound like just something people say. But after all of the recovery stories I've read here and found elsewhere from web searches, I feel confident you can get there, too.

Thank you all for your support. I have remained NC though its been hard. Been feeling alone, dealing with a steady migraine since Monday and couldn't get into the dr for a shot till Friday. Also got a chiropractic adjustment. Then back to work.
My Jack Russell has a stomach issue so couldn't get her to the vet till today early and she was given some anti nausea stuff, antibiotics and am boiling hamburger and rice for her.
We have been just hanging out and trying to rest other than care of the other dogs, cleaning outside and inside and wash.
I am grateful that she is doing better and keeping food down.
I am disappointed in myself that I feel lonely and wonder what he is doing, if he is happy and who is making him happy.
Also that I am not worth him making an effort to try more to contact me and to try to value me.
Guess I am just not worth it.
:(

I'm sorry you haven't been feeling well. My bf gets migraines because of his TBI-they can be really hard.

5 dogs are hard, a lot of work-I have 5 myself, rescues (I'm a foster failure) 2 great danes, 1 boxer and 2 yorchie mutts. My male, deaf and visually impaired GD gets hotspots all the time due to allergies-don't know exactly what he is allergic to. He hates me treating them, and it's really difficult to treat a 150lb pound dog when he decides he doesn't want me messing with him. It would almost be funny if wasn't so frustrating. Luckily since he's deaf he sleeps like the dead so I often take care of them while he sleeps.

No Contact is so hard. He is incapable of valuing you-he is a piece of garbage-lower than pond scum. You are so much stronger than you know! You are surviving him-moment by moment day by day. I am so glad to hear from you, and am sending healing vibes your way!!!

Cant74deal, you are such an awesome person to do the rescue work. I hope I can keep it together long enough to do that as well.
I have still stayed NC but it was hard today as on a dating site I just joined (which I am tenative about and may remove myself tommorrow) his ad came up on it.
I did not look for it but I guess because he is in the age group and milage I am looking at, also for non smokers.
His says he does not smoke, which is a lie.
All his info came up without me looking at it and at first I felt somewhat better in that he is having to look as well meaning he is not in a monogamous relationship as it showed recently online.
But then his ad said he was looking for someone to accept him for who he was (which honestly I did) not someone who is pissed off at the world all the time.
That dig kind of hurt.