I feel all this too.
I have 3 young kids to consider as well.
I've realized that although us separating will be tough....they deserve a happy, loving mother, not a frightened abused one.
I should be out in the next 2 weeks.

why feel guilty? You don't love your husband anymore, who's fault is that? HIS. He didn't want your love, he didn't appreciate what you have to give. My therapist has told me over,and over DETACH,DETACH, DETACH. I found it hard, but now we live side by side, seperate but together. I realized I can talk to im blue in the face and he will never understand the damage he did. I am not in love with him anymore, but we have kids, and I will not be buying anymore tickets to his rollercoaster of crazy.

Someday I want to meet someone, who gets that feeling do matter, for now I just want to live in some peace. My youngest is 13, so I have a few more years to get my self together so I'll be ready when I get out there.

Oh this sounds far too familiar!! This was so similar to my story.

For so many years I was tortured by my own thoughts and doubts as to what was the best and right thing to to. I also started to feel guilty and felt I had been a bit unfair to him in a way. I was also torn by the fact that being a committed Christian I found it very hard to break my wedding vows, and so that concern was working into the equation as well.
I don't know how old your children are, but I stayed in my marriage until the kids were all past 18, and I really don't know if it was the right thing to do?! But it is done, and at least they only had to live in one home as they were growing up, but it was not a very pleasant place to be for the past few years.
As the kids got older, I felt I did not have to just take the verbal abuse any longer and so started becoming angry and giving back some of his own treatment. It was not very pleasant at all, but maybe it made him taste a bit of his own medicine. However I did not like the person I became, which made me think it was time to get out of this toxic marriage, but I still struggled with knowing what was the best thing. Anyway my ex's behaviour and an escalation in some of his addictions started impacting our daughter which made me so angry that I told him to pack his bags and move out!
The relief now is enormous!! We are both happier people living apart, and our children enjoy spending time with us, because we are nicer people to be around. I am in the process of filing for divorce, because we both know that this marriage was over a few years ago and there is no chance of us ever wanting to live together again. We can actually have a civil conversation now days too when we need to discuss stuff for the divorce - because we don't have to live with each other.
It is a very very tough place to be in, where you are right now. I really feel for you, because I know the kinds of internal battles and struggles you are waging with yourself. It is so hard to know what is the best thing for you, for your children and for the whole family.

As you say you cannot turn on the love and feelings for your husband if they are not there. Also his behaviour helps to undermine your best efforts to do so too. I don't know about you, but in my case it was an absolute disgust I felt for him in the end, and I am sure it must have shown in my demeanour to a certain extent no matter how hard I tried to mask it. And the attempting to put on a brave happy face too is a problem, because you feel you are living a lie.
All I can say is take care of yourself, and good luck in trying to work out what is the best thing to do!!

Thanx everyone, I am constantly amazed that there are other people who understand and feel the way I do. Makes me feel less crazy!
Thanx New2free, my kids are 13, 11 and 9. I love them dearly, they love both me and their dad and I feel it is selfish to break up our marriage and put them thru all of that. That's the dilemma... we are also Christians and marriage vows mean a lot. But how to live in this torture? Hard questions

Hello Possum lady! I am 24 years old and I come from a home where my father emotionally/mentally abused my mother, and they both emotionally abused me. I am a mother now and I can understand completely wanting to do the right thing for your children. My parents are still not divorced although my dad is rarely home and they do not have any sort of relationship other than dealing with each other or fighting. They divorced once when i was 9 but then got remarried. I remember being so happy when they divorced and in all the years since they have remarried I have prayed constantly that they would divorce. It is so painful to watch your mother being abused or see your parents have a horrible toxic relationship. It teaches kids the wrong things and makes them confused. I think it is best for kids to be in a better environment than that and I really wish my mom would have left my dad when I was younger. Sometimes it is not always the right thing to do to stay together :(

Hello Possum lady! I am 24 years old and I come from a home where my father emotionally/mentally abused my mother, and they both emotionally abused me. I am a mother now and I can understand completely wanting to do the right thing for your children. My parents are still not divorced although my dad is rarely home and they do not have any sort of relationship other than dealing with each other or fighting. They divorced once when i was 9 but then got remarried. I remember being so happy when they divorced and in all the years since they have remarried I have prayed constantly that they would divorce. It is so painful to watch your mother being abused or see your parents have a horrible toxic relationship. It teaches kids the wrong things and makes them confused. I think it is best for kids to be in a better environment than that and I really wish my mom would have left my dad when I was younger. Sometimes it is not always the right thing to do to stay together :(

i think you should leave ...especially for ur kids ...even if he doesn't abuse them yet emotionally he might soon ..he might manipulate or control them or even if not ...they will see he is emotionally abusing their mom ..they will pick up on that and learn the behavior ...then they will become victims themselves or abusers :S ..we always imitate the things we see as a child...i dont have kids but i have an abusive bf and he is soooo much like my parents..and i knew they were abusing me but i never saw it coming with my bf ...and i should have but see the familiar feeling was too strong to fight back ..now im struggling to leave and heal myself to not go through this over and over..

http://www.divorcehope.com/abuseinmarriage.htm
This made me feel a lot better in the religious aspect of divorce. Abuse breaks the vows of marriage.

If you are being abused, then staying together "for the kids" is absolutely the wrong thing to do. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's true.

What message do you want to send your kids? What values do you want them to have? What image of love do you want for them?

I understand that you want them to see marriage vows as important. I also took my vows very seriously. My ex didn't keep a single promise he ever made to me, including all of our marriage vows - he didn't truly love me, he certainly didn't honour or cherish me. He never took care of me. Instead, he belittled me, cheated on me, beat me, and generally set about to destroy me. That is NOT the image of marriage and love that I want my little boy to grow up with.

I hate that my little boy doesn't live in a happy 2 parent family, with love and respect between the adults, to show him that and to show him how important marriage vows are. But I have absolutely no regrets, because that simply wasn't an available option. If that is an available option then yes, do everything you can to make it happen. But if you are being abused, there is nothing, NOTHING you can do to make that happen, and the only available choices are to teach your kids that abuse = love, or to walk away and teach them that abuse is never acceptable, no matter what.

What lesson do you want your kids to learn?

To reiterate what Livn said, What do you think you are teaching your kids by having them grow up in an abusive household?

To abuse, or to be abused. It is hard to leave. I finally found it harder to stay, after 30 years. My son was 14. My only regret was not doing it when he was younger. And saving him from the dysfunciton of an abusive relationship.

sigh.......

God Bless the ones still living it.....
and God Bless the ones who have gotten out!!!

instead of *recess*, they need *abuse 101* at the
earliest stage possible!!!

always in kindness.......aik

I have said for a very long time

(and imagine, some day,
printing a bumper sticker
that says):

ABUSE BREAKS THE CONTRACT.


!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ilene......that is a great idea & so true!!!

i want one that has the red circle with red line going thru it
with big black bold letters NPD !!!!

i would order them by the hundreds & stick them all over the place!!!