Hey, it's me again :)

I've been thinking about this a lot since realising it was an issue for other people too... I think they want the ego boost of knowing they have someone other people want - trophy value. It is sick. It's treating a person like an object, which is one of the narcissist's specialities. It also screws with your head because you can't believe they're OK with something that weird.

My husband always wants me to make up stories in the bedroom that involve other people. I have to be made up a certain way... he makes it clear that being intimate with me when I am just 'me' (no make-up, no describing weird imaginary antics) is not his cup of tea. There are times when I feel as though I'm just doing it that way so he doesn't have a tantrum. What I often REALLY want is just to be held without being grabbed... but he gets offended if I push him off, so I have to put up with the grabbing and weirdness otherwise I get no physical contact or affection.

He might be happy with the going out with male friends for as long as he feels he 'owns' you, but if you were to actually cheat or dump him for one of them, you might have to look out for the sparks... they hate being made to look small.

Hugs! XX

Hey Rockin
I have been out with my husband and he has cussed me out in public called me a stupid bitch, and calls me a bitch on a regular basis. He is a man into oral sex and has and probably still do have woman come over when I am not home, he has one girl because a real woman would not do that, came to my house and cussed me out, I wanted to beat that bitch azz but he held me back, in a way he saved my life because I work for the gov and I would have lost my job and benefits over some tramp who don't have a job and is a alchohalic (he likes those loud woman) he calls me fat (wear a size 12) stupid his favorite is I HATE STUPID BITCHES, YOU SO STUPID but yet when you met me I had a job and my own home (which I had to leave because he got in trouble in the neightborhood and we had to leave.) did not hang in the bar, (he likes those type of woman) drank at home. I have a little education, hs diploma and some college credits but I am the stupid one. He has hit me and left bruises and blacked my eye right in front of my 12 yr old son (he is 24 now and he still talks about it) I actually think the man is bipolar one moment he is the next best thing next to chocolate pudding and the next I am a stupid bitch who has problems. The only problems I have is him, sure folks say leave and go where, when I make more than him and the lawyer told me that I would end up having to pay him, ok pay him and if I sold the house he would get half please I would rather stay then to give him one red dime.
I have to pray to God for him to take the evil out of my heart that I don't stab that man in the neck with a rusty fork.

Whether this is a red flag or not kinda depends upon his other behaviors and how it makes you feel. I've known a few other couples who act like this, but it is almost a mutual teasing and it seems to work for them. And he not bothered by you having male friends could me he is secure and trusts you. Or - it could mean a possession game for him, and that is a major red flag.

Personally, I would be uncomfortable by this because I interpret this behavior as he not considering you as a partner for life. My ex girlfriend did similar to me. Her first words after just having sex could be "are you going to have sex with your other girlfriend today?" or "Is your next girlfriend going to be blonde?" At first I thought she was joking, then I thought it was a twisted kind of teasing trying to boost my ego, but now I am convinced this was part of her paranoid visions and she actually believed it. But she has no idea how insulting such comments were to me. She seemed to believe, or want to believe, that I was some kind of big player with thousands of satisfied women on the side. That so goes against who I am as a person that it hurts me very deeply to hear her say something like that.

I'm not clear about
what you're asking.

What is it that you
suspectyour husband
is wanting?

I agree with Kevin about putting this into the context of his other behaviors and evaluating whether or not this is simply his sense of humor, an attempt to alleviate jealousy that he refuses to show, or a set-up for future abusive behavior.

When I was young and very insecure, I would claim that I wasn't a jealous kind of girlfriend. On rare occassions, I would point out a girl to my boyfriend when I thought she was genuinely attractive, even though I wasn't attracted to her, because it helped me overcome the jealousy I would feel when I would catch my boyfriend checking out a hot body.

We are human beings, we do look, whether we like to admit it or not.

However, I did have a boyfriend who used this same behavior to set me up for humiliation and guilt. I, too, had a lot of male friends in my early adulthood. I don't much care what gender people are when I become friends with them. My boyfriend would point out that he saw me looking at someone and then would ask me if I liked what I saw while he was touching me in a manner that clearly stated he wanted to be sexual.

Ultimately, he brought up the subject of a threesome. I was in somewhat of an experimental phase sexually speaking, but I wasn't comfortable with the idea of sharing my sexuality with another person and my boyfriend simultaneously. He then used guilt tactics to convince me that it would show my love for him if I at least tried.

So, what did I do? I caved. It was a friend of his. It was not a pleasurable experience for me. AND he gave me the cold shoulder for 24 hours afterwards and then accused me of being a whore, not caring about him at all, and damaging our relationship. It didn't matter that I felt somewhat violated by the whole thing and regretted giving into his coersion.

Think about how your husband leads into his abusive behaviors. Has he set you up in other ways? If you think he's just joking around, tell him that you find it offensive and pay close attention to his reaction. If he discounts your feelings at all, then its just another form of abuse.

Hope that helps.
Jillie

I don't exactly understand what you're saying here either.

He could have sexual preferences that are different from you, but I don't think that has anything to do with abuse. Although if he's NPD then he probably hides his real self from himself, and so that could cause some kind of tension.

I did have an ex who, I realized in retrospect, was abusive. He was not at all in touch with his feelings and he had a hard time imagining a relationship where people worked together and there was no "leader." I also know, since I was with him for a couple years, that he was really into porn depicting multiple male partners with one woman.

Once he pressured me to go swimming naked, in front of his male friend. I was very uncomfortable. I mean, honestly, I've gone skinny dipping before and I really don't see anything wrong with nudity, but it was the WAY he was trying to control me--actually telling me that I had to go swimming naked in front of them. I didn't.

Later, after we broke up, his friend tried to block me into a room and I had to threaten him with pepper spray, but that's another story.

He might have sexual taste that is different from you, and that doesn't make him an abuser--but if he is forcing it onto you then I think you should worry. Also, if he is trying to trick you into doing things that you don't feel comfortable with, then that's not OK either. He should be honest with you.

Sometimes, and this is not meant to be offensive to the LGB community, I wonder if H is actually repressing a strong homosexual tendency.

Of course, your sexual preference has NOTHING to do with abuse. H has a good male friend that he calls every day and talks to for hours. They are constantly making sexual jokes. I overheard him talking to him the other day, and H was verbally describing having his hand on his "junk" and asking how often he should be switching hands...to his male friend. He actually sounded seriously flirtatious. IDK. Sometimes I wonder if their explicitly sexual conversations are crossing the lines. They make jokes like one will grab the other one's head and simulate oral copulation--I remember I was really shocked when I saw that joke...but who knows why they do it? I'll never know because I'd never be able to trust H to tell me--not because of his sexuality but because of his personality.
...There was also this time with his male friend grabbed his thigh at a party, and this is the friend he used to give "massages" to for money.

Again, there is nothing wrong with homosexuality or bisexuality, IMO, I have close family members who are homosexual and also friends, and I don't even know if these are indications of homosexuality--they might be perfectly heterosexual actions...it's just that I feel like I don't understand which makes me want to trust him less. I would be equally upset if he had cheated on me with another woman or a man.

Sorry, that was kind of off topic, but I've just been thinking about it lately.

I just want to reiterate, it's not the sexual preferences themselves that indicate abuse--but the elements of coercion and dishonesty are abusive.

It's not OK for one member of a relationship to coerce, trick, or physically force another to do something...whether it be sexual or non-sexual. That's not OK.

Also, Jillie, that is TERRIBLE that he did that to you. What a douchebag. And is blaming you is so typical of abusers.

Katya- I agree. Sexual fetishes or preferences don't automatically equate to abuse on their own.

Comments of a sexual nature that my ex made could be interpreted as simply her festises or preferences. But when examined under the context of her abusive/narcissist personality, they become a bit more disturbing.

For example: One night I was over at her apartment and I had asked her son if he wanted to go swimming. He said yes, and I proceeded to go upstairs to the bedroom to change into my swimsuit. My ex then made fun of me, saying asking why I wouldn't change right there in front of them (and in front of the window), and started calling me "cautious Kevin."

Now, she could simply have nudist tendencies, which many people have. But the fact she made fun of me, and taken into context with her other abusive behavior, makes me classify that event as abusive. The incident gave me a creepy feeling, and if I consider this event with other comments she made of a sexual nature, it makes me self-conscious about my role as both a romantic partner and a sexual partner. In other words, I feel now that to her, I may have only been satisfying a sexual fantasy and none of my other feelings or actions truly mattered.