Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Is it possible for someone who has been abusive in every way imaginable for 17 years to suddenly have an epiphany and do a complete turnaround? Does it even matter?
For those of you who have followed and supported me, you know the gist of our situation. You may also be aware that he just lost his cousin/only real friend in a tragic, freak car accident nearly two weeks ago. Since then, it is like a light has gone on in his head. He may not be perfect--God knows no one is--but he has been more respectful than ever before (although he, of course, has his moments), and has even spoken to our children a time or two. He still comes home when he wants; he still locks himself in the bedroom when he's here; and he still caught an attitude Saturday because I was out with my sister until after 8 PM and he had, on a whim, decided to come home at a reasonable hour this time. (I'm supposed to drop everything when that happens....) That evening, though, he quickly lost his attitude and actually laughed about it.
Now I am stuck wondering what is going on. Is this a permanent change; is it even enough? Does it matter at this point, because to be honest I am so exhausted and out of love with him that the sight of him makes me sick most of the time? I am watching my children eat up the little scraps he has been throwing them lately. In fact, Saturday when he continuously called and then hung up on me because I was still with my sis, my daughter started crying and said "I thought he was going to be different now!" How pathetic is it that my children think if their dad is not screaming at their mom and allows them to actually give him a hug twice in two weeks, that all is right with the world?!?!
I guess I am just struggling with the guilt again. He just lost the only person he has ever been close to--he has never been close to me even--and here I am making plans to leave him all alone. Part of me knows that my only responsibility is to my kids--making sure they are healthy and safe, but another part of me feels bad for him. I guess for the first time I have actually seen him as a person with human feelings (even if those feelings are not for his children and wife). I am struggling with the unfairness of the whole situation and how I feel like such a shit myself for waiting for him to fall back into his normal patterns. Maybe death can wake some people up and turn the beast into beauty, but so what?! Does it matter? UGGHHHH.......
For those of you who have followed and supported me, you know the gist of our situation. You may also be aware that he just lost his cousin/only real friend in a tragic, freak car accident nearly two weeks ago. Since then, it is like a light has gone on in his head. He may not be perfect--God knows no one is--but he has been more respectful than ever before (although he, of course, has his moments), and has even spoken to our children a time or two. He still comes home when he wants; he still locks himself in the bedroom when he's here; and he still caught an attitude Saturday because I was out with my sister until after 8 PM and he had, on a whim, decided to come home at a reasonable hour this time. (I'm supposed to drop everything when that happens....) That evening, though, he quickly lost his attitude and actually laughed about it.
Now I am stuck wondering what is going on. Is this a permanent change; is it even enough? Does it matter at this point, because to be honest I am so exhausted and out of love with him that the sight of him makes me sick most of the time? I am watching my children eat up the little scraps he has been throwing them lately. In fact, Saturday when he continuously called and then hung up on me because I was still with my sis, my daughter started crying and said "I thought he was going to be different now!" How pathetic is it that my children think if their dad is not screaming at their mom and allows them to actually give him a hug twice in two weeks, that all is right with the world?!?!
I guess I am just struggling with the guilt again. He just lost the only person he has ever been close to--he has never been close to me even--and here I am making plans to leave him all alone. Part of me knows that my only responsibility is to my kids--making sure they are healthy and safe, but another part of me feels bad for him. I guess for the first time I have actually seen him as a person with human feelings (even if those feelings are not for his children and wife). I am struggling with the unfairness of the whole situation and how I feel like such a shit myself for waiting for him to fall back into his normal patterns. Maybe death can wake some people up and turn the beast into beauty, but so what?! Does it matter? UGGHHHH.......
they never do.
NEVER.
they will pretend to change, or make an effort for a little while, to get what they want..
you can always put your plans on hold, if you are doubtful, and just sit back and watch... he's still being an ass anyways..he's just being a little LESS of an ass than usual, and that makes him look better to you.
don't get sucked back into it.. don't feel guilty. I bet if YOU lost someone close t you, he wouldn't suddenly start being less abusive.. he wouldn't think 'wow, she just lost her closest friend/relative.. maybe I should treat her better, since she has no one left in this world....
He hasn't changed inside.
He's had a week or two of
being slightly less abusive.
That's just a variation on
the standard "honeymoon"
part of the cycle.
Don't stop your plans.
Delay them, if you feel compassionate.
In my own life, I literallyhad my car packed
and was ready to pull out of the driveway to
separate from my then-husband. . . when
the phone rang. It was my brother-in-law
telling me that my stbx's sister was in the
hospital and critically ill.
I unpacked the car.
His sister died. I stayed with him through
the funeral. Half a week after the funeral
I packed the car again and left.
Was it hard? Of course.
Did it have to be done?
Only if I wanted to live.
Unpack your car, if you must.
But keep the boxes ready to move.
He has suffered a loss. But he
has NOT had any transformative epiphany.
The brain ---- short of your bona fide miracle ----
isn't wired like that.
Sending you hugs
and prayers for
clarity and courage.
Take the empathy you have for him and turn it back around where it belongs, on you and your kids. How horribly he has treated you all...and he feels no guilt, and no shame. He is a big boy and can take care of himself.
Don't beat yourself up. Make your plans to escape and know that you are not alone. Hugs to you for better days ahead...
As others have said, a few hugs, a few words, these are not signs of a major epiphany. They are signs that he's upset and wants you to comfort him and he'll throw a few scraps the way of you and the kids to make that happen. But when he gets over the shock of losing someone close to him, it'll be back to business as usual. Except that you can bet that, no matter WHAT you do or don't do now, you will spend the rest of your life with him "paying" for the fact you didn't do enough, or didn't do it right, or don't understand or some other bs.