Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.

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justaguest 07/27/2016

Things got really bad again a few months ago. He started with paranoia. Blaming me for things that didn't exist... He wanted to pay me off to file for divorce. That way I was the bad guy filing for divorce. He just knew I was having an affair. Wanted to track my car. When that didn't work. I didn't cave and admit an affair, he decided my affair was with a woman and I must be ashamed to admit it. Bluh Bluh Bluh. On and on about how I wasn't holding up my end of the marriage contract. So. He moved out. Wasn't coming back home till I agreed he was head of the household. While he was moved out he set up a checking account I wouldn't have access to to deposit his paycheck so I wouldn't have any money. I'm a stay at home mom. Married to a doctor. Anyway. He moved back in a few weeks later. I told him if he didn't put me on the checking account I was getting a lawyer and he needed to move back out. He moved back out after a week.

So ive essentially laywered up. Given her all the emails and stuff I have on him. She validates that it is bad. We started marriage counseling with some one he wanted to go to. But, I have had mostly individual sessions with the counselor. And she was able to identify the narcissism in him immediately. She validates that I am in an abusive relationship. One of the worst she's seen in awhile. She's counseling with my children and that is going very well.

However, all this validation and I still blame myself. I still feel like the bad guy. He's the one working hard to pay the bills. And I'm the one in the house with the kids. The guilt. The anger. I go back and forth. Angry at him. I know he's wrong. But then I feel guilty...I'm enjoying life with the kids while he's working. It's driving me crazy!!! I will start back work when school starts. I'll be substitute teaching while I go to college to work on my nursing degree.

The counselor had talked me into a group session with other ladies in similar situations. I don't really want to go. But maybe it will help.

(Here's one of my original post from a few years ago. If anyone is curious. https://www.dailystrength.org/group/physical-emotional-abuse/discussion/i-got-in-trouble-tonight)

itsjustmeagain 07/27/2016

you need to have self worth to realize you deserve peace and stability from a man, not just a jerk who brings home money, you deserve a normal life.

MyTrueColors 07/29/2016

You have come a long way!!! Good for you for lawyering up & getting you and your children into counseling. I'm glad the therapist recognizes what's going on. However, I strongly urge you to NOT do counseling with your abuser. It rarely, if ever works. What it does do is give the abuser more ammunition.

Please know that abuse is the "gift" that keeps on giving when it comes to self blame, self doubt, feelings of worthlessness, guilt, shame, etc. It takes a long time to heal from that. I can't speak for anyone else, but for me, therapy helped me survive while in an abusive marriage. But, I didn't start to heal and thrive until I got out and went Total No Contact. And even then it's taken 6 years of consistent & intense therapy to get to where I am now. I still have a lot of healing to do, but I am so much better.

I liken trying to heal in a toxic relationship/environment to trying to heal a cut when the scab keeps getting scratched off.

I think going to the group will help you. If nothing else, you will receive validation and know that, sadly, you are not alone.

~healing hugs~

jojored 07/31/2016

Wait a minute. You say you're "enjoying life with the kids", and that you feel guilty for him being the breadwinner, because you have what you're portraying as the easier job????? Please remember exactly what motherhood is, it is a JOB!! It may be the best job in the world in many people's eyes, but it's not for wimps. Your husband could not do it as beautifully as I'm sure you do. Please don't ever put yourself down, or think you have less value in this world, because you stayed home with the kids. You are intelligent and caring, and someday will have a paid job as a nurse. Once you're bring in your own paycheck, will you still feel that you are of lesser value than him, the doctor? I hope not. In my eyes, the true value of someone is not in how much money they bring home, but how they enhance the lives of others, their integrity, their honesty, their actions.

By the way, I do understand your fear of sharing custody with your stbx. I hope the children are old enough to have a say in where they stay. I'm going to guess it's not with rigid, controlling, abusive dad. However, I can see where his behaviors might notch up when he has the kids, and how he might undermine you at every turn. Hopefully your lawyer can give you some guidance on custody, and perhaps you have a case for majority custody. I hope so. Great that the kids are in counseling too, especially with older kids, that's a feat of Motherhood in itself.

My brother is narcissistic, and my SIL is destroyed, her now adult kids are lost (her words). But she can't see her way out, puts up so many roadblocks for her escape, She won't get a full time job, even though she has the credentials, because she doesn't like it. She thinks she's OK because she's able to live her life outside of the marriage with clubs and volunteering, and some part time work occasionally, but IMO she's not living, she's existing. I'm so glad you have a clear picture on how to proceed.

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