Awful, pure awfulness.

Sorry Need. I know you hurt and you have heard it before, but its normal to be extremely emotional right now. And, believe it or not, you are just where you are suppose to be in recovery from his mess. It takes time. There, unfortunately, is no way around, under or over the fact that it just takes time.

I think one day you will look back at the content of your original post about him supposedly maybe having a heart attack and laugh at all his nonsense.

It is amazingly awful that his sister (and him) put you through this torment.

You are doing fantastic. Hey, you are a lot better off then him, right? And don't worry about the new woman. Everyone says and I firmly believe, she will end up getting what you got and probably worse.

Try and have a peaceful evening.

LT

ltwist is right.

So sorry need :( He's a nasty piece of work and a half. But he has just shown you once again how much better off you are without him. What a wicked, wicked stunt to pull!

Take care of yourself, and thinking of you xx

Colour me surprised. Unfortunately, as I said on your last post, he's not the first to have faked a major health issue to "punish" or get a hook into an escaping/escaped victim. It's an extremely low act, one of the worst, in my view.

"""""""""""Why cant i turn my feelings off for him? I dont want him to have someone else. It hurts so bad. """""""""""""

Because feelings can't be just turned off. It can't be done. And the harder you try to fight feelings, the stronger they get. What I found most helpful for me was to accept the feelings. Feelings don't make you do things, you still have a choice as to how you will react to those feelings. For example, I can feel anger at my son when he misbehaves, that doesn't mean I have to beat him (nor would I ever). And you can feel love or compassion or any other feeling for your H without having to go back and put up with his abuse. Accept your feelings for him, whatever they may be, forgive yourself for them where you feel they are irrational (feelings are very often irrational - but they are never either right or wrong, there is no "should" about feelings, they just are). Allow yourself to feel hurt, too - it's natural that you would. Just because you left, just because you couldn't take the abuse any more, doesn't mean you wouldn't feel hurt by him having someone else.

When I left my ex, it was the 2nd last thing in the world I wanted to do. The last was to put up with his abuse of me and my son. And what I really wanted, to live with him and our son as a happy and whole family, simply wasn't on the table. So when he told me a couple of weeks later that he was seeing someone, of course it hurt. I didn't want him seeing someone, I wanted what I couldn't have - him loving me and our son. But these feelings do fade with time.

"""""""I could never move on to someone new when my feelings for him are not all gone yet.""""""""""

Of course you couldn't. Unfortunately, abusers don't feel as deeply as we do. They couldn't abuse us if they did. He can move on from you in the same way that you could move on from a car you loved to a new one, from a house you loved to a new one. Sure, there might be some sentimentality about the old, you may miss it from time to time - but that doesn't stop you enjoying the shiny new one. That's about where abusers are at with people. He may miss you and he may want you back because it's comfortable, it's what he knows - but that's not going to stop him going out and getting a shiny new one.

That sucks, to be treated as nothing more than a possession. It really does. And it hurts like hell to be treated that way by someone you love. There's no way around the pain of that, but I can promise you that the pain does ease.

"""""""why should he be happy with someone else, how can he do that?"""""""

He's not happy with someone else, because he's still with him. Nobody could abuse another if they truly loved themselves. The more someone abuses, the more it points to a deep self-loathing and internal rage. My ex actually admitted to me once that the only real emotion he felt was rage (he later told me he loved me and a bunch of other bs, but still, that admission was very telling). My father told me only recently that he'd been going through some old papers because they made him angry. When I asked him why he wanted to feel angry, he said "well at least I know I'm alive". Apparently, anger is also the only true emotion he feels.

So he's not happy with someone else, he's putting on a show - for her and for you. He makes himself feel better by saying to himself that he's not a loser for losing you, because he can just move on to a new one. In the process, however, he is proving that he IS a loser because he feels no need to grieve his loss. He's also hoping or knowing you will find out about it. Given some of the other things he's done/doing, it's most likely another ploy to get you to break NC so that he can reel you back in. Abusers would generally prefer to rehook their old victim (unless their old victim got too strong and really started to be uncontrollable) than put in the effort to "train" a new one. But by doing this, he adds a barb to you, sends you a message that he is fabulous and wanted while you are not, and if it doesn't work, he has the new victim already being trained.

Why do I say it's a hook - because he's seeing someone else while using other hooks to try to get you to break NC. Think about the desperate measures he's taken just in the last few days:

* he faked a heart attack;
* he had his sister call you to tell you he was in the hospital after a work accident and that you should be there;
* he sent a message via a work colleague to tell you that you are destroying your marriage (his seeing someone else isn't doing much for the marriage either but hey, why look at HIS behaviour);
* he rang you after you blocked him, from a different number, to try to get you to call him "when you decide to be a wife";
* he harassed you at work.

Those were all just in the last few days. He's desperate to get a hook into you - so desperate he'll even fake a heart attack. And so he has a new woman and knew you would somehow find out about it. Or perhaps he doesn't and it's just another lie to try to get you to break NC. Either way, it's at least partly aimed as another barb at you.

He's a very cruel person. I'm very sorry you are feeling as you do, but please don't be down on you for it. Your reactions and emotions are perfectly understandable - and even if they weren't, they would still be yours and you'd be entitled to them.

Oh one more thing - if he does have a new woman, he's already abusing her by his continued fixation on getting to you. Would you like it if you entered a new relationship and found out that your "wonderful" new man was pulling out all possible stops to contact his ex?

Liv had said it all.

Again, Livin, had laid it out.

That's it. And the hurt.

Keep your strong, Need. You do deserve worlds better.

And, Livin, thank you. That is a post I will hold on to. Well explained.

What a sadistic thing to do to you. I'm so sorry.

I'll echo what the others said about Livn's post -- she laid it all out beautifully. I'll just add that whatever else your husband may be (cruel, spiteful, vicious, cold-blooded, and malevolent all come to mind) he is most definitely NOT happy. Happy people do not behave this way.

Take care of yourself. You can get through this.

I'm sorry Need. I suspected it but hoped they weren't lying.
Before I left (he didn't know we were leaving but suspect I was done) he faked a fall from ladder outside of house. We had a leak coming into dining room the repairman was on his way. This genius eecided to climb up on ladder to make sure nothing was blocking gutters every though we had gutter guards. I watched him begin to climb down from my bedroom window on second floor. I went back to watching tv. Five mins later he yells my name. Need, I look out window and he is laying flat on his back. Funny thing is I didn't hear the metal ladder hit the banister or his screams (most people scream if they are falling off a damn ladder). I was already at the "I didn't give two fucks about him stage" so I knew he was faking. And there was a small tree that he landed on the other side of ... impossible if he actually tripped off the last step on ladder as he claimed. Since he wanted to play I played along and called 911. He initially refused to go to er until I told him "then get your ass up, get in your truck and go to work". After going in house to get my keys cuz I was going to store I hear him screaming after he tried to get up. When he got to er he asked if I was gonna kick his ass if he didn't go to er? The look on his face was that he was happy I was there with him. We lived 5 blocks from er and I drove myself to make surebhe went and got all tests done.

I said all that to say they will try anything to try to get sone emotion out if us.

Oh and it is possible to cut your feelings completely off. You just haven't got there yet. I was with him 20 years and have no feelings at all for him and its been like that for almost 4 years.

And I've been gone 4 months today.

The only thing an abuser changes is their victims...before long, he will be abusing her too. I know how much this hurts you. But, you should be glad you are away from him. You deserve so much better. I also would distance yourself not only from him, but his sister as well.

Whyme, not to derail the post, but really you had me laugh at loud (wow, who here has seen that spelled out in the last decade). Not once, but twice. Hysterical. And I am so thrilled you can tell that as a comical but telling story now. You sound like an intelligent and strong-willed woman...I can hear you roar.

Itwist, I was trying to make Need laugh. I'm glad you did also. Thanks for the compliment hun. I was furious that he pulled that bull. That's why I called 911. When I was calling as I stoofd over him telling him to stop moving he ask who I was calling. I looked away for a second and said "911 you fool you did just fall off a damn ladder RIGHT". LOL

need,
I am so sorry, They are sure going to a lot of trouble to make sure you stay upset. I wish you could somehow get mad enough at them to tell them to shove it and not care what he does or says anymore. He is just stringing you along, making you jump anytime he wants you to. UGH. He is totally horrible!!!!

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))

@gem, they are getting desperate because she isn't jumping anymore. Each week she has gotten stronger. She is to the point of having him charged with harassment and blocking his calls. He sees she isn't playing his games anymore.

Ha Whyme, that is hysterical. I'm picturing it in my head. Don't worry you are cast as one of the current bombshell actresses. Cracking me up! Sometimes it is stunning the level of ignorance some have (and in some cases still are) dealt with. You rocked in your performance!

Thank you. Its just in the last few days I have actually gotten a good sense of humor again. And I have always been someone who laughs easily and with a very distinct pitch. It's back!

Have a nice night/day,
LT