Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
In retrospect, I realize that there were warning signs I ignored with my two exes. But some behaviors I am still trying to figure out if they were abusive or just a man being happy he found himself a great woman and trying to "mark his territory". For examples, being called several times a day in the honeymoon stage and/or asking in the conversations what were you doing or where have you been. Eventhough I have read articles and even a book called "Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft, I realize that each resource made it clear that the abusers' behaviors are sometimes hard to notice since they are good at being subtle.
So how is a woman suppose to know if she is overreacting or he is abuser trying to ensnare her? Any insight would be greatly appreciated.
So how is a woman suppose to know if she is overreacting or he is abuser trying to ensnare her? Any insight would be greatly appreciated.
I hear what you are saying.
I suppose our core perception is what gives us our different point of view
I do to live in FEAR. I won't.
If a brand new person I've known for a very short amount of time questions where I've been I will most certainly ask him.. " Why do you ask" I will not be afraid he is going to kill me.
1 in 25 humans are sociopaths.... Not all sociopaths are of the OJ Simpson Type.... Most are very fearful of going to Jail and value their freedom.
I really gain so much from this message board. It helps me put things in perspective and I learn from reading all perceptions from all members
If I could offer a bit of advice...
True sociopaths are 1 in 25 ( I've done research)
So the odds that EVERY woman who posts here is dealing with a TRUE killing abuser... are very slim.
Each post should NOT be responded to with advice of calling the local women's shelter and running for her life, as most cases are more than likely ( again, the statistics) relationship dynamics.
Just because a woman comes here and vents... We don't always have to go to worst case scenario right off the bat.
There is a woman on the hysterectomy board who posts in a similar way... She tells every woman who comes in looking for advice that hysterectomy will ruin her life. which is not true.
And it's not true that every woman who comes to THIS message board is dealing with a true abuser who will kill her.
Scare tactics can do a lot of harm.
We should tread very carefully and not advise EVERY woman with a grouchy husband running for the phone to call the local women's shelter.
Most grouchy men are not killing abusers.. and standing up to them will even help the situation when done in a calm and confident manner..
If you don't agree with this,... we will just have to agree to disagree. I you think every single man is dangerous and nobody should stand up for themselves lest they be killed. Then you do, that is your right. but to me.... If we have to live our lives in fear.. we might as well be destroyed already.
If you are going to refer to something I say, then copy & paste it AND then read it. You have misquoted and therefore, misunderstood what I said.
I have no control over what you do and am not going to get into a discussion of what I actually said. You can go back and reread it if you want - or not.
Just to be clear, you said:
"I you think every single man is dangerous and nobody should stand up for themselves lest they be killed. Then you do, that is your right."
I did NOT say that.
your exact words were...
" with all due respect, Shasta, engaging someone in the way you suggest in your first paragraph, is not a good idea with a Probably abuser"
That is where we disagree. I do not think a guy a girl just meets is a "probably abuser" just because he is calling too many times. I feel that it is perfectly safe to ask questions to another human.
Again.... statistically speaking... very few humans are true "Abusers"
There are things we as women can do to create good relationship dynamics.
The advice I give to this message board is to make sure the women coming here asking for advice, realize they have a choice in their actions and words... they do not have to go running frightened to the women's shelter for every situation. Don't force them into the role of helpless victim.
I guess what I'm trying to say is.. Not every situation is... the woman posting here being 100 percent a victim and the person she is writing about is just 100 percent wrong and a horrible abuser...
That is doing everyone a disservice... We as people need to take personal responsibility and realize all people are a mixture of good and bad. just because someone practices the mechanism of invalidation. does not make them an abuser for life and in all situations
I recommend the book "Nasty People" by Jay Carter. It's a very empowering book.
I will do my best not to paraphrase in the future.
I ask b/c I don't see how we can get ANY statistic for that since I'm willing to bet that the MAJORITY of sociopaths go UNDIAGNOSED since they are not the type to seek out therapy.
Even IF this statistic WERE true... that's 4 out of every 100 people you know. That's pretty scary...
Shasta, great advice. I really enjoy reading what you post as it is very refreshing and realistic and does not take the stance of a victim.
Deli, I read a book titled "The sociopath Next Door" by Martha Stout PH D.. It is referenced in the part they let you read for free on Amazon if you want to check it out.
But Ksprizzle is right, just google around about sociopaths and that ratio usually comes up. Not sure if it's from a clinical study or what...
The point is... Have you ever heard people say that coca cola will dissolve raw hamburger so we shouldn't drink it? A flawed study, because our insides have some pretty powerful acid and we can enjoy coca cola pretty much any time we want to...
Saying there is no other way to handle "abusers" than to run for the hills.. is like saying Coca Cola will destroy us... Just like our insides have some pretty powerful digestive juices.. we as people have some pretty powerful 'PERSONAL POWER" and we live in a great nation that backs us up to boot!
So there are lots of other options other than calling our local women's shelter and going "No Contact"... sometimes those things are needed... but the statistics show.. that most of the time it is a person who is NOT a sociopath and is just a person made up of good and bad who happens to be practicing the method of invalidation.
I know you women would NEVER give these men joint custody if you truly believed they were sociopaths and dangerous! The fact that you feel comfortable giving the men unsupervised visitation with your children shows me that you know it was more of a relationship dynamic rather then you were married to a "true monster"
1. You can keep a relationship journal or clarifying index (Ilene's) for any person you want.
2. Practice by watching people you know, see if you can find abusive patterns. See if you can guess what the person would do next.
2. How does the person ask the question? Does he say "Hey whatcha been up to?" Or "What*were* you doing???" Look for word choice and tone of voice.
3. How does he respond when you answer. If you start telling him a beautiful story about something harmless and interesting to you and he seems totally disinterested... that's a sign. He's not asking because he's curious.
4. Ask yourself is that someone I would say/do in that situation. Why or why not?
5 And last but not least. YES definitely YES being "checked on" several times a day is a red flag.