Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Huge blow up on Christmas Eve, H ended up yelling and swearing, the kids were upset and didn't want Christmas to come.
H told me again that I am the one with the problems, told the kids, sorry Christmas isn't wonderful, but 'mum has problems'.
But the knife in the heart was his comment 'how would you like the kids to grow up and marry someone like you?' ouch! Told him that hurt and he told me off for taking offense. Later he apologized, for his angry outburst,said he was really stressed at work, but took no responsibility for his hurtful words.
Want to work things out with him but his words keep going around in my head, I know this will not be the last time. He is hurt because I don't open up and share thoughts and feelings with him but how can I trust him when he takes no thought for my feelings before he opens his mouth?
He refuses to go to counselling or talk things through with a mediator.
Feeling like this maybe the last straw....I really feel unable to live in this situation, can't just brush it off..
H told me again that I am the one with the problems, told the kids, sorry Christmas isn't wonderful, but 'mum has problems'.
But the knife in the heart was his comment 'how would you like the kids to grow up and marry someone like you?' ouch! Told him that hurt and he told me off for taking offense. Later he apologized, for his angry outburst,said he was really stressed at work, but took no responsibility for his hurtful words.
Want to work things out with him but his words keep going around in my head, I know this will not be the last time. He is hurt because I don't open up and share thoughts and feelings with him but how can I trust him when he takes no thought for my feelings before he opens his mouth?
He refuses to go to counselling or talk things through with a mediator.
Feeling like this maybe the last straw....I really feel unable to live in this situation, can't just brush it off..
1. No, it won't be the last time.
2. If you confide in him, he will take anything you say and use it against you.
3. Counseling for him will NOT help and will possibly make it worse.
4. You can't trust him.
5. He doesn't care about your kids either, upsetting them on Christmas Eve was a way for him to try to drive a wedge between you and them, by blaming you for it.
6. He puts you down to your kids.
Is this how you want to live out your life? Is this how you want your kids to grow up? Do you think that leaving him, and the ensuing court battle to become free of him, could be worse than this?
For me, EVERY day free of an abuser is better than ANY day with one.
I hope 2012 turns out to be a pivotal, joyful year for you. All the best to you.
on every pillow
in your home:
EVERY day free of an abuser
is better than ANY day WITH one.
(Thanks, HM. My sentiments exactly.)
p.l. . . . . . . much as you'd like to
"work things out with him," it's
NOT POSSIBLE to do that
with an abuser.
You can NOT trust him.
YOu SHOULD NOT trust him.
He will never "take a thought"
for your feelings. Your feelings
are irrelevant to him.
There is nothing relevant to
him other than having his way.
That's how your life will be,
connected with him. Unfortunately,
having had kids together means
you can't go no contact. But until
you get your own household,, your
kids will believe that someone
being abused is how a marriage
is supposed to be.
I'm glad you've arrived at feeling
that you're unable to continue
living in this situation. You
shouldn't just brush it off.
I hope you'll move your life
away from this abuser.
You're entitled to BETTER.
Take good care.
Everybody hates you, no wonder you don't have any friends.
Your kids hate you.
Your kids are worthless, and loser's just like their father (my first H).
I hate you, I'm calling a lawyer (which he never did, or would lie and say that he did).
Look at you! Who would want YOU! You're so pathetic!
It goes on and on, and sadly, I've only mentioned the nicer things he would scream at me.
And the best part is... he only said these things to throw me "off track" whenever I asked about what HE was up to! Especially with money! Turns out, it had NOTHING to do with me.
My question is, does yelling,swearing and insulting constitute abuse? Do I have the right to demand that he stop, is his behaviour reportable?
The yelling, swearing & insulting are all abusive, but also his blaming, projecting & deflecting is abusive as well.
Abusers are very good a PROJECTING their sh*t onto us. He is accusing you of what he does, NOT what you do. He is trying to DEFLECT his actions by putting them off on you and BLAMING you for what he says/does.
He will never accept accountability or responsibility for who and what he is/does. NEVER.
As the others have said, counseling will do no good whatsoever. Go to counseling by yourself - not to fix the marriage, but to rebuild your self esteem and get yourself back.
Hugs!
He WON"T. He will do it MORE.
Is it reportable to who? The police? No. Is it worth journaling, so you have a record, so when you decide to leave and reclaim your life, you can document to a judge what he did to you? YES.
Report it to your atty, to your therapist, to a judge. Make yourself strong enough so that at some point you NEVER EVER accept this behavior from anyone ever again.
This is not the end of him being an abuser, but you can decide when it's going to stop. (or at least get a lot better)
A few ruined holidays and vacations did it for me!
that's it in a nutshell.
this is YOUR life!!!
some people decide that they want to live a life free of boring sex, or extensive model railroads in their basement, people who don't recycle..
they have the right to make that decision.
abused people feel as if they don't have the right to make that decision.
I never felt that I had the right.
and then I just had to leave, still feeling that I didn't have the right.
but now that I'm out (nearly 3 months!) I'm feeling that I have the right now, and enjoying being out.
You say:-
"My question is, does yelling,swearing and insulting constitute abuse? Do I have the right to demand that he stop, is his behaviour reportable? "
Yes, to both questions. Also, his behaviour is impacting on your children in ways that you can only imagine.